


An Angel's Blade

by alexrawrmonster



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bad Parenting, Caring Dean Winchester, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Minor Dean x Bela, Minor drowley, Pain, Platonic Relationships, Referenced Suicide Attempt, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Sick Character, Suicidal Castiel, drug references, platonic sastiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 10:51:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 53,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16931904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexrawrmonster/pseuds/alexrawrmonster
Summary: Castiel is essentially alone. Abandoned by his parents, ridiculed by his classmates, Castiel finds his only solace in a metal blade and an old pair of headphones.Dean is new in town, intrigued by the broken boy down the street, he surely can't leave well enough alone, especially when he wasn't well enough to begin with.





	1. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song at the start: Badflower, Ghost

Take the blade away from me, I am a freak, I am afraid.

Castiel listened as the words wafted through his headphones. His thin, pale body glistening under the cooling bath water. Metal on skin he drug a new line across his thigh, blood seeping into the water, joining the other lines in varying degrees of healing. Scar tissue underneath begging for reprieve. Cas sighed, letting the water drain around him. When the tub was empty he stood, leaning against the white wall, head flopping down. Shivering against the frigid air he wrapped a towel around his body and another around his head, removing his headphones and setting them on the counter. He dried off, pulling on boxers and pajama pants that stung his thigh as the fabric rustled the fresh wounds. 

“Time for bed.” He mumbled, finding neither the energy to comb his hair nor care to brush his teeth. Maybe he'd do it in the morning, probably not though. It's not like anyone would notice. Cas found his way into bed, popping a couple melatonin capsules to ease his way to sleep. Pulling the blankets tightly around his body Castiel waited for rest to come.

***

Angry beeping startled Cas awake, 6:03 am, he slept through his first two alarms, great. He pulled himself out of bed and threw on the first set of semi clean clothes he found burying the floor. He pulled them on, attempting to smooth the wrinkles with little success. Finding himself out of time he mussed his hair with his hands and shoved a stick of gum in his mouth, grabbing his backpack and sprinting to the bus stop.

Pain seared in Cas’ thigh as the jeans rubbed with each stride, still he managed to make it to the stop right as the bus came. Amey the bus driver gave him a slight smile as he boarded, taking his customary seat alone, lost in the middle of the sea of chattering students. Arriving at the school Castiel made way for his locker, finding his usual lock blocker in the way.

“Why hello Asstiel,” Crowley cooed, shoving his shoulder against the metal, Castiel winced “how is Strawberry Mansion High's favorite freak doing today?” He asked, his tone light and lilting a smile crossing his unremarkable features. Castiel didn't respond, opting for a squinty glare directed at Crowley. “As you can see I'm quite undermanned today, so as the king of this hell I'll let you off easy, for now,” he paused, pushing Castiel further into the locker, “but I'll be sure to keep our appointment tomorrow, entourage or not.” He smiled, walking away. Cas shrunk, grabbing his books and binders, shoving them in his ratty blue bag, and walking towards English class.

“Mr. Novak, you're late.” Mr. Turner called out, Cas sighed

“Sorry.” He grumbled, taking his seat. Mr. Turner added him to the class roster as tardy as he took his seat. 

“So class, back to Hamlet.” He rattled on, discussing the themes of the story in relation to modern storytelling as Castiel, admittedly, zoned out. 

***

Before he knew it, it was lunch. Sitting alone in a bathroom stall, Cas cried. He cried for the pain he endured day in and day out, he cried from the hunger he inflicted on himself, he cried for peace, peace that would never come. Rubbing his running nose with his sleeve he willed himself to stop sobbing, exiting the stall and splashing his face with water, attempting to remove the flushed teary look it had taken over. Semi successful he made his way to fourth period.

***  
Home. Away from hell. Money for groceries on his card, parents still away on business, as they always were. Cas pulled up his phone, opening Twitter. Scrolling through mind numbing posts he retweeted a few, and then paused to write his own

Casstyelling: “Y me? No point anymore.” Send. 

Cr0wley_King: “end it, bitch.”

Alasta1rzz: “fuck u Asstiel, kill urself”

Abaddont: “lol freak”

LuciFreakkk: “eat the berries Katniss”

Cas sighed and put his phone away. 'I should eat’ he thought to himself, but then, why bother? Cas found himself cycling through this night the same as the night before, bath, music, metal on skin, melatonin, two hops this time, reverse reverse.

***  
“Castiel, one more tardy and it's detention.”

“Yes Mr. Turner.” he took his seat.

“As I was saying, class this is our new student Dean…” Cas zoned out once again, picking at his cuticles, thinking about Crowley, Alastair, Josie, on his English work he was scribbling poetry:

“If depression slowed symptoms my fever would not end

Eyes weeping nose sneezing it would almost be freeing

The anorexic synapses longing to be fed

But listlessness is only a disease of the head

Sunken and tired my eyes would give out

Swimming in sorrow bring ending about,

Longing for reprieve and hope for finality

It seems truly this is my destiny

If depression showed symptoms exiled would be me

If depression showed symptoms I'd be quarantined.”

Castiel finished scribbling, in illegible cursive no less, when Mr. Turner assigned the new guy to sit beside him. Cas sighed, hiding his scribbles and turning to the new guy,

“Cas” he said, holding out his hand,

“Dean” he responded, taking it. Cas went back to his scribbles, doodling more depressed cursive, not noticing Dean's eyes on his paper. The bell rang and Cas left for second period.  
***  
When lunch came around Castiel decided to mix it up today, he was tired of trying to fix his tear stained face before fourth period. He sat at an empty table, alone. He was scribbling on a notepad when someone sat across from him.

“Where are your friends?” The voice asked, hopefully,

“If you want any of those, this is not the place to sit.” He responded dryly, going back to his book,

“Okay.” He responded, moving on to his lunch, “aren't you going to eat something?”

“I already ate.”

“... You want some of mine?”

“No I don’t.” His stomach growled in protest,

“Are you sure? Because-”

“Do you want to be a target? LEAVE.” Dean sighed and stood, taking his tray and walking to a new table. Cas returned to his depressed scribbles, rubbing his tired eyes. 

On the bus ride home Cas noticed Dean on his bus, he couldn't help but stare. Dean was beautiful, his sandy brown hair resting against his already sharp features, his green eyes bright and emotional, fuck and staring at him. Dean seat hopped at the next bump.

“Hiya Castiel.” 

“Dean. I told you, this isn't worth your time.”

“What if I disagree?”

“You have no reason to.”

“But I do. I asked around about you.”

“Let me guess, strange, gay, freak.” He buried his head in his hands, daring not to look at the guy who was surely moving away, except the seat didn't move.

“Quiet weird guy.” He admitted, “bullied, badly, hurting.” Castiel winced,

“Great. None of that is your problem.”

“As your friend, it is.” He deadpanned

“I don't have friends.” Cas responded, shoving headphones into his ears. Dean sighed, camping out on the bus seat. Castiel turned up the volume, tuning out Dean. As Dean stood so did Castiel,

“You're this stop too?” Dean asked, sounding surprised.

“Have been forever.” He grumbled.

“You going home or what?”

“Where else would I go?”

“Nowhere I guess. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Right.”


	2. A Deal with a Devil

“Good morning Castiel.” Dean chirped as Cas came running into the bus stop, late again. Cas panted as the bus came rolling in. The boys boarded, Cas taking his solo seat and Dean hopping seats to sit beside him. Cas sighed, taking out one side of his headphones and resting it into the collar of his shirt

“Hello, Dean.” He grumbled. Dean grinned,

“Not a morning person?”

“Not an ever person.” Dean shrugged, patting his shoulder,

“We'll work on that.”

“Tell me about yourself, Dean.” He said, resigned to changing the subject, very aware that sitting in silence was not an acceptable option,

“Me and my brother Sammy just moved in last week, I know it's winter quarter but that's nothing new we move around a lot. We live with my dad but he's… Well he's not around much.”

“Your mom?”

“Mom died in a fire when I was four, I carried Sammy out, got praised as a hero in the local paper and all that but, mom's still dead so I don't really agree.” he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand,

“The fact that you couldn't save her doesn't negate your heroism saving Sam.” Cas mused, he shifted slightly and winced as his jeans pinched the most recent set of cuts from the night previous.

“You okay?” Dean asked, eyes wide with concern,

“Fine. I'm fine. Anyways where is your brother?”

“Well he would be on this bus except he's not feelin’ so well,” Dean frowned microscopically, “so he's staying home. I'd be there but we're already so new and if I get in any more school trouble dad will kill me.” He grimaced, “So with Sammy's blessing I'm here.”

“Sorry to hear that.” Cas grumbled, unsure of what else to say, to avoid further conversation he plucked his phone from his pocket and began fiddling with it. Opening Twitter to his feed, flitting to his mentions he finds himself tagged

Cr0wley_King: @Casstyelling can't wait to pummel that fine ass into the ground c u soon 😘 

Alasta1rzz: @C@styelling @Cr0wley_King ur gonna wish u were nvr born

Cas sighed, and began typing a response

@Cr0wley_King @Alasta1rzz already there, thanks 😪🔫

Cas slid his phone away, his posture slouching further into the seat, Dean noticed his friend essentially deflate before his eyes.

“Hey what's going on?” He asked, concern piquing in his voice,

“Nothing of import.” Cas grumbled, Dean sighed, “you should go, Dean, you really don't want to be seen with me.”

“And why is that?”

“If you want any semblance of normalcy while attending this school, being my friend is not the way to go about it.” Dean sighed,

“If you didn't want to be my friend you could have said so.” He grumbled, taking his things as they exited the bus. Dean walked away, leaving Cas alone once again.

***

“Hello Asstiel.” Alastair hissed, a curvaceous smile crossing his chapped lips 

“Back from suspension I see.” Cas muttered, bracing himself

“The impudence.” Alastair purred, throwing Castiel against the lockers, “you will regret that.” he cooed, Cas could feel his warm breath caressing his face, leaving it moist and clammy. Crowley stood back at a distance, keeping his hands clean and smiling triumphantly. Cas could feel the metal of the locker biting into his back, his head buzzed as Alastair slammed his slender body into the icy metal. Held against the locker by Alastair's forearm he sneered, “what's the matter Cassie, fag got your tongue?” He asked, slapping Castiel with his free hand. Cas’ face snapped right, his left cheek stinging as his head crashed against the locker.  
“That's enough, Al,” Crowley said, looking quite pleased at the damage caused, “can't be getting in too much trouble now can we. Off you go Cassie.” He smiled. Cas grabbed his things from his locker and scurried away. 

Finding himself alone in the bathroom Castiel brought cold water and gently wet down his face, attempting to abate the swelling and redness blossoming in his cheek. Doing minimal good he dried off his skin and grabbed his backpack, rummaging around searching via touch until he found a small cool plastic tin. Cover up. He quickly applied it as needed to his cheek and scurried off to class.

“That's a detention Mr. Novak.”

“Yes, sir Mr. Turner.” He said, taking his seat next to Dean. Dean was watching him, Cas could see his green eyes scanning him. A note landed on his desk

“Where were you? We got off the bus at the same time.” Careful not to wince at any movement Cas lifted his arm to the desk and began writing,

“Got held up, no big deal.” And passed it back. Dean sighed, Dean looked at him again,

“Hey, no note passing.” Mr. Turner called, eyeing the boys.

“But-”

“No buts Winchester, or that'll be a detention for you too.” No trouble this year, Dean quieted down. The bell rang, the boys left. Cas made his way through to lunch without incident, finding himself hiding in the bathroom - again - this time not only in tears but avoiding Dean's stares. Tracks ran through his cover up, he couldn't be bothered to fix it.

He walked out in time for fourth period, nearly running into Crowley in the hallway,

“Your new boy toy was looking for you.” He mused,

“He's not my anything Crowley, leave him alone.”

“Defending him, so much for doesn't care.”

“He doesn't need your crap, he doesn't know what being my friend means, leave him out of this.”

“Why would I bother when I could take you both down?”

“What do you want?”

“Him.”

“I can't give you a person I don't own him.”

“Okay. Here's the deal, you get Winchester to join me and my group, and I'll lay off him.”

“I'll mention you to him.”

“Good light I presume? Any negativity coming from your lips and well, his will be bloody.” Crowley said with a smirk, taking Cas’ chin in his hands. Cas grimaced, nodding into Crowley's palm. “Excellent. Run off to class now little Asstiel.”


	3. Bubbles and Reruns

Detention was uneventful, but it did mean Castiel got to walk home in the crisp winter air as opposed to the stuffy bus that was gone by the time detention got out at 4:30. Headphones in and world tuned out he began the trek home, thrumming his fingers against his thigh lightly. He couldn't wait to get home, there was a blade calling his name and honestly he needed to collapse and wash the cover up off his face. Maybe eat something. Cas sighed, skipping the next three songs on his playlist, looking down at his phone he grumbled pawing through songs, he was in the middle of pressing play on A Simple Plan when the black Impala hit him.

***

Castiel woke up on the side of the road, laying in a puddle of water the black sky stared down at him, head throbbing. He hissed, trying to sit up and failing miserably. He managed to pull himself up onto his elbows, panting with exertion. His entire body ached, though it didn't seem anything was broken. The last thing he remember was that car, that car had hit him. That car had hit him and ran.

“Ugh.” Cas groaned, rubbing his head with his hands and checking his phone - 8:12 pm, great. At that moment he finally took note of the violent shivering wracking his body. Dragging himself fully upright he wobbled back home. 

Entering his cold home he dropped his drenched bag and made his way to the bathroom. Coated in blood and a thin sheen of sweat his pallid reflection stared back at him, his usually pale skin had taken a translucent appearance, marked with bloody dirty cuts. Castiel stripped down and carefully made his way to the shower, immediately vomiting into the tub upon entry. He was washing the vomit down the drain when he blacked out again.

***

Face crushed against porcelain and blood seeping from his nose Castiel woke, cold water sprayed against the shower curtain, bouncing onto Castiel and down the drain. Cas groaned, twisting to a sitting position. He turned to the edge of the tub, seeing his phone on the ground beside him. Reaching down he winced, the throbbing headache worsened by the movement, purple and yellow bruises crawling up his arms. Deciding against grabbing the device he instead opted to use this moment of clarity to finally get himself cleaned up. The hot water was long gone, but his body was so cold already it didn't really matter. He cleaned the cuts and scrapes mottling his body, mindful of the bruises, and washed his hair gently, trying not to aggravate the throbbing in his head. 

Stepping out carefully he pulled up his phone to check the time once again: 5 am. Great. Cas sighed, gingerly making his way to his bedroom. Careful not to disrupt the bruising Cas layered clothes to try to cover the majority of the marks, not to mention warm his frigid body.

When Cas arrived at the bus stop his body was trembling from exhaustion on top of the shivering that hadn't ceased the night before. One look at him and Dean knew Cas shouldn't be here.

“Dude, you look like you got hit by a bus.”

“Car, actually.” He mumbled, gingerly rubbing the back of his neck. Dean's eyes widened as he realized Cas wasn't joking.

“Oh no, you are not going to school. You need to go to the hospital.”

“Can't, parents aren't home, don't have insurance information.” He grumbled, as self insured artifact salesmen, paperwork got a little difficult when it came to these things.

“Come on, Cas.” He shook his throbbing head, “fine then I'm taking you home.” He said, grabbing the shaking boy's arm and throwing it over his shoulder. Careful not to go too fast they made it back to Dean's home down the road.

A shabby single story place with more weeds than grass in the yellow patched yard, dull green paint and a main window with a minor crack in the middle that careened sharply left, Dean would be embarrassed but he was too worried to care.

Upon entry a tiny sneeze welcomed the duo to the home,

“How ya feeling Sammy?” Dean asked quietly,

“A little better,” he rasped, wiping his nose on his sleeve, “who is that?”

“This is my friend Cas,” he said with a small smile, “he needs some help so I'm gonna take care of both of you today.” He said gently,

“Oh okay Dean, I missed you.” He said, Dean reached down and ruffled his hair,

“I'm gonna put Cas in bed, I'll be right out.” He said, helping the shivering boy down the hall to his bedroom. “Okay, you lay down.” He said quietly, burying him in blankets. “I'm gonna go get a thermometer there's no way you're warm enough.”

“I was in a cold shower all night.” He offered up, teeth still chattering wildly. Dean nodded going back out to the room. 

***  
“Here, I brought you soup.” Dean said quietly, setting it down next to his friend, “just gave Sammy his. Your turn.” Cas sighed, everything hurt his head, his body, he was still shaking despite Dean's best efforts to warm him up.

“Mnot hungry.” He managed, and to be fair this was the truth, despite not having eaten in days he felt truly nauseous. 

“Come on Cas you need to eat, or I have to take you to the hospital.” Cas sighed, attempting a bite of the tomato and rice soup in front of him. The food made his stomach churn, 

“Don't feel so good.” He mumbled, Dean gently rubbed Cas’ back, using his foot to pull his trash can closer. 

“You should really see a doctor.” Dean mumbled

“I can't.” Cas responded yet again, “look I should just go home.” He began to sit up,

“Whoa whoa no way.” Dean stopped him, “you're under temp, still shaking, I don't know when the last time you ate was, your bruises are getting darker as we speak, you're staying here Cas.” Cas sighed, shrinking into the bed. 

“Dean, can you bring me some more cold medicine?” Sam coughed out,

“Be right there Sammy, don't move.” He turned to Cas, Cas nodded. Cas could feel the soup in his stomach like a boulder, a violent boulder fighting it's way back. Before he knew it Cas found himself throwing up into the trash can. Dean returned finding Cas hunched over the trash and gently rubbed at his back.

“It's okay Cas.” He whispered, fairly certain he was in over his head. When he was finished Dean looked him over, pursuing his lips, “so Google says you might have a concussion, so no sleeping allowed. Wanna take a bath to try to warm up? You can borrow some trunks.” Cas sighed, nodding, his head throbbing with the movement. 

“Okay, let me pull em out and I'll let you changed.” Dean said, grabbing the garment out of a dresser and handing it to Cas. They were old and frayed, obviously well used, and if Cas was being honest smaller than he felt comfortable with. He tugged down the legs in his best attempt to cover the open wounds on his thigh but in the end settled for his hand gently resting above his thigh, outstretched to obstruct the view. Cas walked out of the bedroom, Sammy was bundled in blankets asleep on the couch, a light and the sound of running water in the other room clued Cas in to where Dean was.

Gingerly walking in he grimaced at the cool tile on his feet, curling his toes in and wrapping his lanky arms around his bruising chest as he waited for Dean to finish up. Dean grabbed a bottle and poured a little into the water. Bubbles? Thank God. He could hide under bubbles. A little warmer but still shuddering violently with cold he dipped slowly into the water, merging himself with the heat his body tensed and then relaxed.

“Thank you, Dean.” He whispered.

“Yeah, of course Cas.” He said sheepishly, a half smile crossing his face. More little sneezes from the next room sent him running, leaving Cas to his thoughts. 

When was the last time he'd been in a bathtub and hadn't cut himself? The strong urge to do so encapsulated the answer, it had been a very long time. He didn't have his razor, it was at home tucked away, and with no means to get it he would just have to suffer for a little while until he could get home. 

Castiel gingerly rubbed at his face, burying his icy nose in his now much warmer hands. Letting his eyes close and his thoughts wander Cas found himself drifting away. He didn't know how much time has passed when Dean walked into the room and gently shook him awake.

“Hey Cas, no sleeping buddy.” He whispered as Cas’ eyes opened slowly. “Yeah that's right wake up. This nursing stuff is harder than it looks.” He said, rubbing at his neck, “Sammy's fever spiked again, I'm worried about him, but I'm really worried about you.” He said, the bubbles had dispersed and his swim trunks we're flowing in the water, showing off his patchwork array of scar tissue and open wounds draping his thigh. Cas maneuvered to hide it but it was too late, Dean had seen. He pursed his lips but didn't say anything.

“I should go.” He mumbled weakly, 

“No, you shouldn't.” Dean said sternly, “come on let's get you out and dried off and you can come hang out with me and Sammy in the living room.” He said, flicking the drain on the tub and grabbed a towel. “You want the clothes you had on?” Cas nodded, standing and draping himself in a towel.

Cas did as he was told, dressing and coming into the living room, finding Sam and Dean both on the couch, Dean's hand on Sam's forehead, Sam with a tissue against his nose buried In blankets.

“Cas, since you didn't really get much of an introduction, you seemed really out of it to say the least, we're doing this again. This is Sammy, Sammy, Cas.” he said, pointing to the kid. He had shaggy brown hair and hazel eyes, a slight sheen of sweat across his flushed cheeks and forehead.

“Hi Cas.” He said weakly, though his voice wasn't strong his smile was genuine.

“Told ya, he's got a bit of a head cold.” Dean said sheepishly, taking his hand back from Sam's forehead and rubbing at his own throat.

“I'm fine Dean.”

“Tell that to your fever Sammy.” He said, pulling the blankets further up around the boy. “Take a seat Cas.” He said, moving a pillow out of the way so Cas could sit beside him. “Now who's up for some daytime TV? I think there's some Maury reruns calling our name.” Dean said, grinning at the two wards in his care and turning on the television.


	4. Of Bullies and Bystanders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: queer slurs

The rest of the morning and afternoon was uneventful, Dean periodically checking the temperatures of his two wards as Cas’ came up and Sam's came down. Dean leaned into Cas as they watched back to back reruns, making sure he got his fair share of the blankets, Dean may have been sweating but Sam and Cas both needed them so he figured the suffering was worth it.

He didn't bring up what he saw in the bathroom, not in front of Sammy for one, he didn't know how. He just catered to the two boys until he heard the door unlock.

“Hey Dad.” He called wearily, John stumbled into the room, drunk and mumbling incoherently, Dean just sighed and got up, wrestling the overgrown man child to bed.

“Cas, you don't want to be around when he comes out of this,” Dean mumbled, “but I got these” he said, holding up keys, “I can at least drive you home.”

“Do you have your permit?”

“Well no,” he rubbed the back of his neck, twisting his toe into the wood floor, “but I've driven her before and it's only a few blocks.”

“Her?”

“Come meet baby.” Dean said, smiling, he opened the door and Castiel froze, his neutral expression twisting,

“Well. Now I see what all this hospitality was about.” He spat,

“What?”

“You just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to the police today, I get it, keep me here and I won't rat out your douchebag daddy.”

“What? Cas rat him out for what?”

“For fucking running me over and leaving me there to die!” He screeched, anger seething from his every pore,

“Whoa wait hold on, my dad did this to you?”

“Don't fucking pretend you don't know. I'm walking home fuck you.” Cas said, slamming the door behind him into Dean's face. 

“Daaaad what did you do?” Dean groaned, pulling his facial skin down with his hands 

***  
Cas made it home, walking over to the tub he grabbed his razor and walked back to his bed, taking a moment to strip down and start sawing at his thighs. Betrayal and seething anger filled his bones. 

Drawing quick lines he watched them fill with blood and bubble over, spilling onto the healing lines from days prior. He wasn't doing lines he was drawing them but nevertheless he was still addicted. The high he got was the pain he contracted along the way. 

Once his was sufficiently bloodied Cas let out a sigh of relief, a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He looked down at his phone, missed call from Mom from a couple hours ago, quickly Cas redialed. The tone dialed and rang a few times before a sweet 

“Hello?” Came out the other end. 

“Hey Mom, you called?” Cas asked, careful not to let his already gravely voice fill with pain,

“Yeah of course! Just calling to see how my favorite baby boy is doing!” She said cheerfully,

“He's doing great mom, in fact I didn't answer your call because I was at a friend's house earlier.” He said, jaw clenching but tone light.

“Oh really sweetie? That's great! Tell me all about them.”

“His name was Dean, I invited him over but his brother was sick so I went over to his place after school and we hung out.” He lied through his teeth, his parents cared but it's not like they could help him and so in usual Cas fashion he was hiding all of it.

“Oh that's lovely, next time we're in town we'll have to meet him! Don't go getting sick now!” 

“When are you coming home next?” The tone was light, not accusatory, but the sigh on the other line sounded as if he had stolen the moon away from her,

“I don't know sweetie, your father is close to cinching this deal that could take care of us, of you, but I don't, I'm not sure how long that will take. We've already been hammering out the details for a solid four months.” She paused, her tone lightening, “but we will be back for your birthday In January, for sure and we will celebrate big time!”

“So you won't be home for Christmas?”

“Afraid not, I'm sorry Cassie, you understand?”

“Of course mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, oh your father is calling I have to go, I'll talk to you soon.” Click. Cas sighed, pulling his covers up around his body. At least they wouldn't see him like this. 

They weren't intentionally neglectful, and he knew they loved him in their way, he didn't fault them their line of work, their extensive trips, their world travels, but he hated how undeniably alone it left him. 

Head still throbbing from his escapades Cas began googling concussion symptoms and treatments relying heavily on WebMD, which basically said take it easy, so he would. He didn't like this, but all the same he picked up his cell phone and called the school,

“Strawberry Mansion High, Alyssa speaking.”

“Hey Alyssa, it's Cas.” Castiel croaked, emphasizing the preexisting gravel in his voice,

“Hey Cassie, what's going on?” Her professional demeanor dissolving almost at once,

“I'm sorry I didn't call earlier to explain, I was out sick today, flu, just calling to tell you I'll be out again tomorrow.”

“Alone?” She asked quietly,

“I'll be fine, Alyssa.” He said gently, 

“I know. Okay. I'll mark you. Don't forget your parents need to re-submit the paperwork to allow you to handle your own affairs in the new semester.”

“Thank you, I'll make sure they send it in. I have to go Alyssa, need rest and all that, see you in a few days.”

“Bye Cas, feel better.” Click. Well that covered tomorrow at least. Cas got into bed and laid down, the cool evening air whisking him into sleep, with the help of a couple melatonin capsules, careful to shut off his alarms so he could truly drown out the world.

***  
Castiel found himself waking around ten that morning, his body pleaded with him not to get up, but he didn't listen. He wound up downstairs, finding himself staring into a fridge full of items in varying states of out of date decay. He had the money for groceries, his parents provided ample supply, but Cas just didn't have the energy. Not to cook, not to clean, he could barely get through class let alone all of the things he should be getting done at home. There was a fruit fly colony living in his pantry and the piles of laundry on his floor were going full Frankenstein's monster. 

Sighing, Cas opted to eat a granola bar, attempting to appease his screaming stomach. Chocolate and nuts, not much but it would do. It was all he could do. 

Cas melted into the couch, turning on the TV to drown out the reverberating negativity seeping from his subconscious into his conscious state of being. Focusing on the blaring noise dulled the ache in his mind, though not the pain in his head.

***

The next morning Castiel found his bruises had finally stopped getting brighter, and were mostly hideable, aside from the cuts on his temple you'd never guess something had happened to him - excellent. No need to give the bullies ammunition. 

Cas got to the bus stop, guarded as he waited for whoever might happen by, but no one did thankfully. He rode the bus alone, in the middle, headphones in, eyes fixed out the window. 

At his locker swapping out this books before heading to first period Josie sauntered up to him, eyes full of delight,

“Abaddon.”

“Novak.” 

“What do you want?” She leaned in close to his ear, and began whispering

“Crowley missed you yesterday love,” she grinned with malicious intent, lips reverberating on his earlobe, “we can't wait to make it up to you.” She grinned, quickly kissing his cheek and then harshly slapping the spot, smearing the red lipstick she left behind. “Oops. That's just a taste.” She said, practically licking his cheek, “see you after class.” She winked, sauntering away. Cas scuttled off, somehow still able to make it to Mr. Turner's English class on time.

Sitting at his usual desk he began scrubbing at his face to get the gaudy red lipstick off. His neighbor wasn't there. 

“So class, where did we leave off yesterday?” Mr. Turner asked, his eyes glinting, “Lisa?”

“We were discussing the themes of isolation in of Mice and Men and how it ultimately lead to-” Cas quickly droned out the conversation, fifteen minutes into class Dean stumbles in, sitting at his desk, right beside Cas.

“Nice of you to join us, Mr. Winchester.” Mr. Turner called out, Dean nods. Cas didn't dare look at him, still furious at the notion that his silence could be bought, or that it even had to be. Had Dean truly been his friend, he could have just asked, and Cas would stay quiet, but obviously they weren't. 

He continued ignoring the class, ignoring Dean, in tiny cursive on his spiral notebook he jotted down more poetry:

Pretend it's cough syrup  
Down it like it's fine  
Put a dam on the breaking bridge  
All sanity left behind -

He was adding another verse when he heard something from beside him, daring not look daring not move he scanned his peripheral vision just in time to watch Dean stifle a sneeze, eliciting the same noise he had just heard. He was paler than usual and shaking visibly. If he was sick why was he here? Cas scoffed at himself, pushing the notion away, he had been in a hit and run this week and he was here - Dean could handle the sniffles. Back to poetry, back to spacing out. A note ended up on his desk.

“We need to talk -D”

“Nothing to talk about -C”

“Yes, Cas, there is, I didn't know it was John. I know he's a dumb alcoholic but I didn't think hit and run was on the menu - D”

“It's fine Dean, but this, whatever this was - it's done. I don't need your help, I don't want it, take your pity and go -C”

“You think that's what this was? Pity?? -D”

“Take your rightful place at the top and leave me alone. - C”

“:( -D” Cas crumpled the not into a ball and stuffed it into his bag. He was sick of people in this town, Dean was no exception. The class bell rang and Cas quickly pushed past him and out the door. It seemed Dean got the message because as the day wore on he left Castiel alone. 

“Good.” Cas grumbled, taking a rubber band out of his locker and placing it on his wrist. He spent all of Algebra 2 class snapping his wrist with it quietly, it was red and angry and covered in line shaped welts by the time class was over.

By the end of the day Josie's warning had flitted out of Cas’ distracted, and admittedly still pained brain and so coming into view the group stood viscously waiting in a semi circle Castiel almost panicked. From left to right Josie, Alastair, Crowley, Lucien (nicknamed Lucifer by his friends), Azazel, and now Arthur Ketch the exchange student from England. Cas was fucked. Attempting to flee Cas started backing up, the group immobile, after a moment of slow movements he made a mad dash into the school. Too bad Lucifer caught him already, grabbing his thin wrist Lucifer whipped him back towards the circle, holding his arms behind his back, keeping Castiel in place.

“Faggot.” Lucifer sneered,

“Hey, hey, no, we don't bully him because he's queer, I'm queer, we bully him because he's Castiel.” Crowley said with a smirk, “LGBT slurs are so 2010. We hate Castiel because he's a freak.” Crowley teased, punching him in the nose. Cas winced, it felt swollen and when blood began dripping out of it onto his shoes all he could do was shrink. 

“Good little Cassie.” Arthur chimed in, punching him square in the jaw.

“Hear you had the flu, hope you don't puke.” Josie chimed as she punched him in the stomach. Lucifer still holding him in place as the group took turns beating him down in what was truly the finest group project Strawberry Mansion High had ever seen. The collaborative effort was flawless, each taking turns to harm different pieces of Castiel, ensuring that they did manage to hit every single bullet and point of his alabaster skin, by the time they were done Castiel was lying in the mud, face down, as they kicked his sides, his back, each stepping on him, wiping their feet on his spine,and as they walked away.


	5. A Turn for the Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is following a dark storyline, things will soon start getting better but for now Cas continues to spiral downward.

Cas felt himself sinking, into the mud, into his head, feeling the darkness surrounding him surely as the rain soaked his aching body. He didn't have the energy to stand. He growled at nothing and no one in particular, using the little strength he had to get up onto his arms. His body trembled and he collapsed back down with a grumble. Every inch of his body ached.

“Hey, you okay?” A voice asked quietly, it sounded familiar but somehow wrong. “Let me help you up.” Strong hands pulled him up,

“Mr. Turner.” Cas stated, looking at the man whose face was filled with concern. 

“Who did this to you, Castiel?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, Castiel, it does.” Cas didn't respond, “Look, I get that the administration has failed you in the past, but if we get this reported we can get a paper trail going and maybe we can do something.” Cas was swaying as Mr. Turner spoke, “come on, let's get you inside.” He helped Castiel back into the school building, ducking into the nearest bathroom.

“Okay, sit down.” Mr. Turner helped Cas down and grabbed a paper towel, wetting it and working to gently clean Cas’ face off. “A little better?” He asked after a few moments, Cas nodded, “who did this to you, Castiel?”

“Crowley, and Alastair, a-and and Josie, and L-Lucifer and Ketch.” Castiel croaked out, dissolving into tears. Mr. Turner grimaced but didn't say anything. 

“And they attacked you?” Cas nodded, hyperventilating. “okay come on.” Mr. Turner helped Cas stand and took him to the office. Mr. Turner handed Cas a single page sheet to fill out, “it's an incident report, it's how we can uh, how we can start to make things better for you here, Castiel.”

“It's Cas.”

“Cas then.” He paused again, “Cas, are those from today?” He asked, pointing Cas’ abdomen where his shirt had pulled up and been glued into place with mud. He shook his head no, “Okay. You must be freezing, do you drink coffee? Tea?”

“I like tea, chai if you h-have it, and I, well I like honey in it…” he trailed off, looking away.

“One chai tea with honey coming up, Cas.” He said with a reassuring smile. “Is there someone I can call to come get you?”

“N-no, not, not really…” Dean. 

“That's okay, I can take you home.” he said resolutely, “finish filling that out and I'll take you.” Cas nodded and Mr. Turner walked off.

Cas began filling out the information, his hand shook lightly as he shivered, tremors causing his beautiful cursive to turn into a gothic style mess. Barely legible, it would have to do. Mr. Turner came back with the tea in a paper cup, he handed the warm beverage to Castiel, who smiled wanly at him.

“Come on my car is in the teacher parking lot.” He said, Cas stood and followed him, his body aching terribly with each movement. Noticing his slow gait Mr. Turner slowed to match it. “Castiel where do you live?” Mr. Turner asked gently, 

"5413 west Pine.” Cas responded, Mr. Turner's keys jangled as he pulled them from the pocket of his blazer, hitting unlock the lights of a blue Toyota off in the distance flashed twice. 

As they approached Mr. Turner quickly opened the passenger door, moving a pile of English papers to the back seat, “sorry about that, here you go.” He said, helping Cas into the vehicle. They drove to Cas’ home, some light pop music playing in the background as the two rode in silence.

“You don't deserve this Novak, I hope you know that. I'll see you at school on Monday.” He said quietly, looking Cas in the eyes, Cas nodded, though he knew the gesture to be a lie. They arrived at his home and Cas hopped out, thanking Mr. Turner for the ride home. He hobbled up to his door, unlocking it, and as he entered the threshold he watched Mr. Turner drive away. 

Alone at last. Cas’ tea had gone cold a while ago, he dumped it down the drain, tossing the paper cup in the trash. Grabbing a glass for water he found himself some painkillers and quickly downed them. His body felt stuffed with cotton as it had swollen, cotton made of cancer. Still in mud laden clothes Cas stripped them off layer by layer until all that remained was a pair of clean grey boxer briefs hugging his bruised thighs. 

Cas allowed himself to drift into sleep on the couch, buried in a decorative blanket and about twelve ibuprofen. 

He awoke to Mr. Turner's words playing through his mind like a broken record. The clock read 3:07am, phone battery 32% and draining, but Cas was somehow awake. Wide awake. Unfortunate consequence of the melatonin being upstairs and him being downstairs. The downstairs living room was pitch black, no illumination to be seen save his little phone screen, his head was much the same, the only light being those little words Mr. Turner had parted with, and yet as the phone was dying so too was the darkness squashing out the light in his mind.

Cas sat up, grabbing a pillow near to him and curling himself around it. The events of the days prior came crashing in around him, his safe harbors in his mind drowned out by monsoons of negativity raging in. Standing in a moment of rage he barged into the kitchen, gripping the countertops with his hands and squeezing tersely he dropped his head onto the cool surface. Sure his razors were upstairs, and his body couldn't handle that, but the $300 professional knife set was there, and waiting for him, calling for him.

“You don't deserve this, Novak.” It played through his head but the demons beat it down like a spiked volleyball in for the winning point. His hand hovered over the set, did he want the bread knife? Classic steak? He settled on pairing, and took it to his hip. Tracing the bone he left thin lines neatly following the curve of his body. It was beautiful, it was bloody. 

Cas grabbed a cup of water and numbly waddled back to the couch, cuddling back up against his pillow Castiel Novak, broken, battered, bruised, bleeding, cried himself back to sleep.


	6. Doctor Sexy M.D.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy chapter, enjoy a reprieve!

His phone clock read 10:21, battery 21%. Cas was groggy, in pain, and out of painkillers. He had riffled through all of the expected drawers and found them exceptionally vacant. Cas slowly made his way up the stairs, feeling pain in every step, shuffling around was one thing but stairs required actual bending.

In his room Cas got dressed and grabbed some clothes for the next few days and his razor blade, bringing the items downstairs in a messy pile and dropping them onto the couch. Wallet In hand he slipped on shoes, beginning the trek to the grocery store for more painkillers.

Music on full blast his mind released it's tight hold on his mood for just a moment, getting lost in words and Melody as he painfully shuffled to the store.

The entry bell dinged as he crossed the threshold into Bigg's Food Mart, where Bigg Savings can be found! He sighed, he wished he had worn a thicker jacket. He grabbed a basket and walked over to the canned goods aisle, picking out some canned meals to make things a little easier on himself. “Two for $5 or four for $8.50, store brand or name brand.” He grumbled to himself, grabbing eight cans of the store brand. He sighed, this would work, he began heading to the medical section of the store.

Reaching aisle 8 - Medical Supplies, he walked down towards painkillers only to find cousin It sneezing profusely in front of the cold and flu medicine. He chuckled lightly at the thought, smiling to himself about the Addams Family as a ruffled Dean Winchester popped his head out from under the beige blanket masking him from view.

“Oh, hey Cas.” Dean said, his voice raw and scratchy, “shit.” He flew back under the blanket as more sneezes erupted from him. “Ugh.” He groaned, not leaving the blanket this time.

“I see you're not feeling better.”

“I could say the same for you, are those new bruises?”

“Newer. Not from your dad.”

“Sorry, Cas.”

“Sorry I yelled at you, now come out from under there you look like cousin It.”

“Hey man, my hair ain't that good.” He said, emerging from the blanket with a dopey grin on his pallid face. He held his blanketed arm in front of his face to cough. “Sammy get you sick too?” Cas shook his head no,

“Out of painkillers.” He said, shaking a bottle of Ibuprofen. The two boys grabbed their items and went to check out.

“How are you getting home?” Dean asked as they excited the store,

“Walking.” He grumbled,

“No, you're not, I'll take you home.”

“Dean you're sick..”

“I insist, you can sit in the back seat if you're worried about my germs.” Cas sighed, shaking as he took the passenger seat of the dreaded Impala that hit him days prior,

“5413 west Pine.”

They didn't speak much on the drive home, Dean stopped in front of the home waiting for Cas to exit the car,

“Would you like to come in?” Cas asked sheepishly, feeling bad about the cold shoulder he had given the boy, “I have soup” he added, holding up a can of chicken noodle from his bag, Dean broke out into a wide grin again, stuffing it back down to a small smirk,

“I mean, it's store brand, but since you invited me I guess I will.” His grin returned. He parked the car in Cas’ empty driveway and the boys entered the the threshold.

“Welcome in, sorry it's a mess. I'll go start the soup.”

“Don't worry about it ma- _ah-hah-hatchew_!, man.” Dean said, rubbing his nose with his blanketed arm.

“You go lie down.” Cas said, pointing him to the couch.

“Yes doctor Novak.” Dean misplaced the clothes as a tiny piece of metal fell to the floor, “oh, Cas.” He said quietly, picking up the blade. He set it on the side table, glancing at it and Cas with sadness brimming his eyes.

Cas finished up the soup and brought over a bowl for Dean, sitting beside him on the couch with his own.

“Thanks for this.” He said sheepishly, his breathing becoming shallow, Cas eyed him, quickly placing his own bowl of soup on the end table and thrusting a finger under Dean's nose to stop the impending sneeze until Dean could set down his bowl.

“Thagks.” Dean sniffed,

“I don't need soup burns on top of bruises.” Cas shrugged.

“Ndo, ndo you dod’t.” Dean buried himself back under his blanket for another sneezing fit to take hold, Cas just rubbed circles along his back and waited. When Dean finally emerged his eyes were red and his nose was clearly raw and swollen from rubbing,

“You okay?”

“Ndo.”

“Sorry.”

“Ndot your fault.” Cas sighed,

“Do you need anything?”

“Ndo.”

“Tissues?”

“Mbaybe…”

“I'll be right back.” Cas said, sliding off the couch and sweeping his hand over the coffee table, inconspicuously grabbing the blade and walking to the bathroom, dropping it off and grabbing a box.

“Here.” He handed it to Dean, who immediately took a few tissues and entered yet another unending sneezing fit.

“Where do you wandt these?” He asked sheepishly, holding the used tissues out. Cas just grabbed them and walked to the trash, dropping them in and pulling the trash bin out for his friend. “Where are your paredts?”

“Not here. Never here. It means a lot that you took care of me the other day, I'm happy to return the favor.” Cas said simply,

“Cas, I didnd't do that so that you'd 'returd the favor’ I did that because you ndeeded help and it was the right thigg to do.” Dean pouted, if there was one thing he didn't want, Cas to view him as a charity case was it.  
  
“That's not what I meant. I just mean, thank you, and feel better.” Dean still looked a little sad, “I like you, Dean.”

“I like you too, Cas.” Cas smiled lightly, a tremor ran through Dean and Cas frowned,

“Hold on.” He said quietly, walking away he came back with his painkillers and a large fluffy blanket. Cas grabbed out a hand full of the ibuprofen and dropped them in his mouth, dry swallowing the bunch as Dean looked on, frowning. Before Dean could ask if that was really the correct dosage Cas draped the two of them In the blanket and turned on the TV.

“Doctor Sexy Mb.D., mby favorite.” Dean said with a smile,

“It's one of my favorites for guilty pleasure viewing.” Cas responded with a small smile, nodding on in agreement. “Doctor Sexy is just so...sexy.”

“Dude those cowboy boots are everything.”

“I love his take charge attitude, it's so hot. Ugh I need a boyfriend.” Cas grumbled, sinking down into the couch arm.

“Pretty face like yours? You'll get there slugger.” Dean said with a smile, it only dripped off his face when he started to cough.

“What about you, any girlfriend?”

“Oh, uh, n-ndo. Mby last girlfriedd add I broke up a few modths ago. Single as a Pringle.” He smiled. “Probly for the best with this damn cold, ndot sexy.”

“hah, not sexy, right, sorry about the girl trouble though.”

“Dond't be, thad girl was a bigot.” He said, eyebrows clenched and a frown gracing his pretty features. Cas didn't push it, though he did wonder what he meant. “I-I cambe out to her, a-as bi, and she said she didd't wandt to date sombeonde like me.” He frowned, “I, I had a hard tibe dealigg with that, haved't uh, haved't beed able to really let mbyself get close to adyone id thad way sidce.” He rubbed at his arm gently,

“It's okay, Dean. I'm sorry she hurt you like that, take your time, you'll come around.”

“Thingk I'mb already startigg to.” He mumbled under his breath, a blush spreading on his face.

“You just got very red, are you running a fever?” Cas asked, squinting,

“I, uh, yeah, yeah I've, I've beed.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck, “101.2 last I checked. Sorry I probably shouldd’t be here I'mb probably contagious…” he said, getting up

“Hey, stop, don't worry about it.” Cas pushed him back down. Dean shivered in place, nodding his consent to stay. “You're still cold?” Cas asked gently, Dean nodded, Cas opened his arms, a non-verbal invitation,

“You sure?” Dean asked quietly, eyes hopeful as his rubbed his red nose,

“Of course I'm sure Dean.” Dean smiled and coughed into his blanket, coming over to Cas’ arms and cuddling in. Dean sunk his face into Cas’ chest, his breath hitched and he sneezed into Cas’ armpit,

“Sorry” he sniffled,

“It's okay, Dean. I know you're sick, and knew that two seconds ago when I had you move over here. Don't worry about it.” He said, turning up the volume on Doctor Sexy M.D.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So tell me what you think??? Like? Dislike? Want to see more? ^-^
> 
> Let me know down below!


	7. Enter Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song referenced: Inner Demons by Julia Brennan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer than normal, working on a fic commission for the Fic Facers Auction. Expect to see that semi soon ish!

The kittenish sneezes had slowed to a stop, breathing had evened, wheezing lessened, Dean Winchester had fallen asleep on top of Castiel Novak. His bruises ached and his arm was asleep but Cas was still thoroughly enjoying this. I mean sure, he barely knew the guy, and he was making it uncomfortably toasty, but his heart of gold seemed to make up for all of those things, and the fact that he was, well to put it lightly - dreamy, definitely helped.

Cas just gently rubbed his hand up and down Dean's back, pulling the blankets tighter whenever he shivered. After a few hours a small sneeze allerted Cas that Dean had finally woken up, bringing Cas out from a spaced out trance back to reality.

“Hey Dean” Cas said quietly, “how you feeling?”

“Tired.” He croaked out,

“Come on, I'll put you to bed.”

“Sammy-”

“I'll call him, let him know what's going on. It's a stretch but I'll invite him to come over if he can get here.”

“Okay.”

“You sound a little better.” Dean just nodded as Cas' helped him up the stairs and into his bedroom. Dean's head was pounding, swaying in his moments they made it up the stairs. Cas tucked a very sluggish Dean into bed and walked over to his bathroom. Turning on the tap Cas let the water run until it warmed a little, using the opportunity to call and alert Sam to what was going on. Returning to the water Cas wet a washcloth with lukewarm bordering cold water and walked back to the bed, sitting beside Dean and wiping the sweat off of his forehead. Dean winced at the touch and sunk away from the cool cloth into the covers, effectively swallowing him whole. As quickly as he woke, Dean was back asleep.

***

Cas heard the doorbell ring and made his way to the door slowly, he needed to rebury the ache that marred his body in painkillers. He took another handful before opening the door, swallowing and finding a shivering Sammy at the front door.

“Hey come in,” Cas said, pulling the kid into the threshold.

“T-thanks.”

“Sorry we couldn't come get you, Dean's asleep and I don't have a license.”

“Dean didn't either.”

“I'm not driving your car without one.” He said pointedly,

“That's fair.”

“Glad to see you're feeling better.” Cas said, ruffling Sam's hair. Sam smiled up at him, the smile slid away after a moment

“I wish Dean felt better.”

“Me too.”

“He feels bad, me too, about, about what our dad did to you.” Sam said, not looking Cas in the eye, a sad posture taking over the generally happy kid, Cas slowly squatted down, doing his best not to wince,

“Hey,” he said, draping his hand on Sam's shoulder, as much for balance as to comfort the boy, “what your dad did, it isn't your fault. It's not Dean's fault, it's not my fault, the only one whose fault it is is your dad's, don't feel guilty for his actions, they aren't meant for your conscience to bare. I overreacted the other day, for that I apologize.” Cas said gently, Sam nodded solemnly, “promise me you won't blame yourself?” He asked, eyes wide,

“I promise.”

“Good, let's go see your brother.” Cas said with a smile, gently nudging the boy to the stairs.  
Sam bounded up the staircase while Cas took it at a leisurely pace, trying not to overexert his pained bodice.

They entered Cas’ bedroom to find Dean in a fitful sleep, tremors running through his body. Sam walked over to him and ran his little fingers through Dean's sweaty hair,

“Hey Dean,” he whispered

“Hiya Sammy.” Dean croaked,opening his eyes, “you shouldn't be this close t'me, wouldn't wan'you to catchit'gain.” He slurred, Sam laughed, kissing his brother's forehead,

“I'm here for you Dean, deal with it.” he said, popping up on the bed,Cas smiled, wincing lightly as his body shifted, “I can take him for the next shift, you look like you need some rest too.” Cas nodded lightly,

“If he gets worse again wake me up,” Cas said gently, Sam nodded. Cas waddled to the bathroom, grabbing a set of PJs off the floor of his room on the way. Warm water passed over Cas’ fingers and he pulled the plug up, throwing in a set of earbuds as he filled the tub, letting the water rise around his pained body. The water relaxed his muscles as the painkillers kicked in, Cas let out a long sigh he'd been holding in. Finally some peace, if only for a moment.

They say don't let them in,

Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again,

But when I'm all alone,

They show up on their own,

The music began to play melodically in Cas’ exhausted brain. On a good day he had no energy, let alone battered and bruised. Cas closed his eyes, letting the lids pull together like magnets longing to touch. His fingers itched for a blade, but he left it downstairs. Maybe now would be the time he finally stopped… maybe. Probably not. Who was he lying to, he couldn't stop. He needed pain. Pain cancelled out heartache. Almost. Cas trembled under the water, letting the warm water seep in, reversing all the cold from his body as his mind got lost. He wrapped his arms around his chest, finding comfort in the small gesture, and as the sun steals way for the moon, so did Cas steal away into sleep.

He awoke to darkness, though he didn't remembered turning out the light, maybe the bulb finally died? Cas moved slightly, feeling cool water sloshing around his shivering body. He sat up quickly, draining the tub and working to get his gangly limbs out, wrapping himself in towel he grabbed his dirty pajamas and made his way to his parents’ room where he could actually see what was going on. He changed as quickly as possible when your body is made up of more bruises than actual atoms, and waddled to his bedroom.

“Hi Sam.” He croaked out as Sam's head turned to look at him,

“You look terrible what happened?” Sam mumbled, the words riding his breath like a surfer on a wave.

“I felll asleep in the bathtub, it got a little cold.” He responded sheepishly, he pulled his sleeve over his fist and began rubbing his nose gently, it had begun to run from the cold water burying his body.

“He's a furnace right now, get under the covers.” Sam said, pointing to the free side of the bed, next to Dean.

“I wouldn't want to impose.”

“He's imposing, it's your bed.” Sam said pointedly, Cas nodded, slowly walking over and buying himself in covers.

“Do you need anything Cas?”

“What time is it?”

“Uh, seven thirty.” He said, looking down at his phone,

“More painkillers.” Cas said definitively, they were due to wear off any time now. “Just bring the bottle and some water.” Sam nodded, he had seen them on the counter when he walked in. Sam ran off downstairs, Cas cuddled into the blankets, pressing his icy form up against Dean as much as heterosexually possible - as this was not the time nor the place to free the gay.

Sam walked back in and handed Cas the bottle, he popped the lid and grabbed another handful of pills, swallowing them down quickly.

“Are you sure that's the right dose?” Sam asked quietly, eyebrow piqued at the pile of pills Cas just swallowed,

“Yes, it's fine, not of import.” Cas waved him away, he wasn't abusing ibuprofen, he just wasn't, no point, that's what the weed was for.

“ _Hehh-hi-hixshuu_!” Dean's body shook, he groaned flipping onto his back.

“Hello Dean,” Cas said quietly as the bigger man rolled ever so slightly over top of him.

“MmCas what are you doing at my house?” He grumbled, “mmmyou haaate me.”

“No, Dean, I don't, you came over remember?”

“Oh, right, right, we had soup.” He grumbled, starting to truly wake up he smashed his face with his hand. He stifled another sneeze into his hand, pinching his nose,

“Dean, stop it.” Sam grumbled

“No cad do Sabby, can't give you by gerbs.”

“They're already my germs dumbass.”

“Ndo they're bide dow”

“Quit being an idiot and let me help you.”

“Can you two cut it out?” Cas chimed in, apparently sleeping in bathtubs full of cold water was an awesome way to trigger a migraine. He rubbed at his temple gently.

“Sorry Cas,” they mumbled in unison

“Thank you, now if you don't mind I'm going back to sleep, you two are welcome to anything here make yourselves quietly at home.” He grumbled, burying his head under the blankets and drifting back to sleep with Dean's arm gently snaked around him.


	8. Goodbye My Almost Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short little thing - Merry Christmas everyone!

Castiel woke alone in his bed, dull pain ringing through his body, he sat up amongst his twisted sheets, rubbing his palm against his tired eyes. He groaned as the pulsing in his head became prominent once again, bringing itself to his full attention. He stood shakily, lifting his arms over his head to stretch his weary muscles. Another quiet groan slipped past his lips, dropping his arms limply to his sides he stumbled forward. Cas walked out of his room and into the hall, following the sound down to the living room.

He entered the room as quickly as his body would allow - a snail's pace at best - to find Sam and Dean sprawled out on his couch, controllers in hand. Strong smiles on both faces the boys were laughing as they sunk into the dark cushions. Buried in blankets and surrounded int tissues Dean was sprawled across the right side of the couch, curled up into a small ball Sam took up the left. Cas smiled weakly at the boys,

“Hey Sam where did you put my bottle of painkillers?” He asked, his voice coming out darker than the darkest chocolate, Sam frowned slightly,

“They're on the kitchen counter.” He said, turning back to the game. Cas meandered over and opened the bottle, tipping it back into his throat and dry swallowing a few, slapping the bottle back down on the counter like a finished shot. Finding his way back to the couch he sat himself between the boys, Dean moved his feet carefully out of the way with a quiet cough.

“Welcome Cas, you're just in time to see me beat Sammy's ass.” He said with a grin

“You're sounding better.” Cas noted

“DayQuil works wonders.” Dean said sheepishly, Cas nodded knowingly and turned to the screen,

“You hooked up my old GameCube?”

“PacMan Fever looked fun, and Astaroth kicks ass.” Dean said with a smile, quickly turning away to sneeze

“Bless you.” Cas mumbled,

“Thagks...sudofabitch.”

“We're almost at the four hour mark Dean, you might wanna take more.” Sam said pointedly, looking at his brother, Dean nodded and got up, headed towards the kitchen. Quiet sniffles succeeded by desperate blowing and the clinking of glasses clued the group in to the antics of the kitchen. Castiel scratched at his cuticles, pushing them back against the nail bed, how long has it been since he had access to a blade? He wanted to be in the moment, he wanted to laugh with the brothers and live and be happy but it was as if he was drowning in a frozen lake and they were the skaters above.

Cas sighed inwardly, finding his legs curling up towards his chest, his arms wrapping around his knees. Dropping his chin to his knees as Dean returned.

“You okay?” He asked quietly, watching Cas’ eyes as he walked back to his place on the sofa. Cas nodded into his knees. His thighs itched. They itched for metal to kiss them. His razor was right there, right next to Sam on the nightstand, but be couldn't risk his secrets bubbling out. Cas was staring longingly at the nightstand when Sam caught his eye, snapping him out of it. He focused on the TV in front of him, the game paused in front of him. The boys seemed apprehensive, of Cas maybe? Maybe his attitude was apparent - he hoped not.

A vibrating pattern in his pockets stole his thoughts, pulling out his phone and sliding the green button in he answered the call,

“Hey Mom” he said quietly, a blankness filling his being

“Hey sweetie how are you doing?” She asked, chipper tones taking over her voice

“I'm doing okay, missed you guys a lot lately, how have you been?”

“I've missed you too Castiel! The dig has been going great, really really great, that's actually what I'm calling about, we uh, we aren't going to be able to make your birthday in-in January. I-I know we promised and I'm so so sorry we're backing down from that, we're being nominated for Research Project of the Year by the Archaeology Awards, that's a big deal sweetie, a-and you are too so if, if you want us to come back, we will.”

“No, no it's okay Mom you can stay.” He felt the lump riding in his throat, he bit it back, “really, just make sure you sign in the paperwork that says I can take care of my own affairs for next quarter that I emailed you, that's all I really needed you for in January… When will I see you?”

“We're going to plan to be back sometime next summer…” she trailed off, Cas swallowed,

“Oh, okay.” He whispered, “that's fine.”

“I'm sorry it's going to be so long sweetie, but we'll call you, and your dad is working on getting a webcam out here so we can video call…”

“It's okay Mom, I-I,” he sighed, “it's fine.”

“We love you Castiel, you're such a good boy, and so smart, and you were always such a good poet, I wish you would go back to emailing us your poetry, that was always so nice to read.”

“I don't write much anymore”

“Well that's too bad, whatever your new hobby is make sure you show us, okay?”

“Okay, mom. I-I have to go, I have some friends over, I'll send pictures of them.” He said, trying to appease her, out of love.

“Oh good! I can't wait to get them, tell them I say hi and you be good you hear Cassie?”

“Yes Mom, I love you.”

“Love you too.” The phone clicked off.

“You okay?” Dean asked quietly

“Fine.” He whispered, pushing his cuticles a little faster, a little shakier.

“Hey, no you're not.” Dean scooted closer, rubbing his knuckle along Cas’ shoulder.

“You're delirious.”

“Hey no the DayQuil broke my fever.” he said indignantly,

“Well I'm fine. If you'll just excuse me.” He said, getting up from the couch, in front of the nightstand he stopped and rested his fingertips on the side closest to Sam, “if you need me I'll be upstairs.” He said, sliding his fingers down the tabletop as he stood up straighter, using sleight of hand, and with the boys none the wiser he and the razor were gone.


	9. Pick your Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel runs into some unwelcome company.
> 
> Tw drug use

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is meant for the end but it keeps reposting an old end note SO attempting to put here:
> 
>  
> 
> What did you like? What didn't you like? What would you change? What would you like to see next?
> 
> Hope you enjoyed ^-^ the uh, suffering of our characters that is °-° 
> 
> Anyways I'll post again soon, bye loves!

“Maybe we should go home.” Dean said quietly after ten minutes of silence filling Castiel's living room.

“You are in no condition to walk home, and I'm not letting you operate heavy machinery on DayQuil.”

“you know that label only means like, forklifts and tractors-”

“And cars.” Sam finished,

“This isn't my first cold Sammy, I can drive us home.”

“Just because you can doesn't mean you should, besides, Cas didn't seem okay, we should be here.” Dean grimaced, nodding in quiet agreement.

“You think we should go talk to him?”

“No, he seemed to want space.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.” He said quietly “dude is not well…”

“Well you go talk to him then.”

“Why me?”

“You're the one he invited over, I'm only here because you were too tired to leave.” He said pointedly.

While the boys bickered about what to do, Castiel had turned on the tap to his bathroom, filling his head with the music of the night, headphones snugly tucked into his ears. When the water warmed he shut the drain, holding the thin piece of metal between his pointer and middle finger, gently wobbling it back and forth. Lips pursed as the song changed to something too chipper for his current mood, he skipped the song and Intertwined by Dodie came on next, the darker themed lyrics were soothing to his weary soul. Castiel dropped his clothes and stared into the mirror, his bruises were dark but they did seem to be healing, and the constant painkillers did seem to dull the ache they brought on. Castiel's head still throbbed viscously from time to time but that was also getting better.

Cas found the water slightly too warm but dipped in anyway, long relaxing baths did tend to become long cold baths after a while, often Castiel found himself pruned and shivering waking up from an unintentional nap. Maybe one day he would drown. That would be easier, anyway. Brushing away the off hand thought Castiel sunk in and closed his eyes, his mind drifted with the song over to his parents, he wondered what they were finding this time - archaeological sales was a very niche market to be in, but they did always have interesting things to tell him about when they came home -sigh when they came home- a new line became acquainted with Castiel's thigh, though he didn't notice until two more joined in. He dropped the blade onto the ledge of the tub, so much for stopping, not that he really wanted to anyway. Cas was in the zone, his thoughts had fallen down the eye of the twister into a warped pile, somewhere they lie between the dead cows and mangled cars.

Ten more songs and four more lines had passed his body when Castiel was alerted to a rasping knock at the door.

“Castiel!” Cas pulled the safety from his ears and awaited whatever bullets were to come his way,

“Yes, Dean?” He called back,

“Me and Sammy, we have to get goin’, he has some homework to do and he's worryin' thinks I need to be in bed not on your couch playing Gamecube. Thank you for uh, everything, and I'll see you at school Monday?” Dean yelled through the door.

“Okay, thank you for letting me know.” He called back, Sam was probably right, he shouldn't have invited Dean in in the first place, it was probably Cas’ fault he wasn't better yet... Fading creaky footsteps filled his ears, until they didn't that is. Castiel resumed his soak, emptying and refilling the tub with water, continuing to empty his veins.

When Castiel pulled himself out of the tub, the only thing he had energy for was laying in bed, so that's what he did. He pulled the dark comforter over top his body, and opened Twitter, curled up in the dark scrolling through space.

Castyelling: can you drink all my thoughts, cuz I can't stand them < y is this so applicable… #sigh #fml

Abbadont: @castyelling drink bleach not thoughts

Cr0wley_King: @castyelling @abbadont bleach is too easy, try cyanide 😉

Castyelling: @Cr0wley_King @abbadont ok.

Cas sighed, shutting down his phone, shutting down his body. He wouldn't give up, not exactly, but he was done fighting. When they came for him Monday, and they would come, he would let it happen. His eyes dropped and Castiel fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow.

Monday morning Castiel was walking to school, he was within bus range, and normally he'd be on it, but he wanted the walk to clear his head. His body still hurt, but the bruising was at least beginning to heal, how many days has it been? He couldn't quite remember. As he approached the school yard Castiel walked on to a familiar scene.

“Castiel, I see you didn't take the Cyanide!” Crowley calls out, looking over Cas with a meticulous glare, twisted hellish delight coming from his body language.

“I suppose I didn't.” He grumbled, looking between Arthur, Alastair and Crowley.

“We should fix that.” Alastair said slowly, his nasal drawl complimenting the chill in the December air. Alastair walked forward, slamming his two hands into Castiel's bruised chest. Castiel fell to the ground, his still weak body unable to hold through the blow, pain shot across his entire back as mud and rocks soaked into his backside. Alastair and Arthur began kicking his body over and over, as Crowley watched, a smug satisfaction pinned to his portley features. Alastair pulled out a small baggie from his pocket, Castiel couldn't see what it was through tears blurring his vision.

“Whoa Alastair wait a minute, you want to waste that on Castiel?" Crowley asked, a surprise filling his voice, Alastair grinned energetically

“Open up for the choo choo Cassie.” He continued, taking a white powder and placing a few pinches behind his bottom lip. “See ya later.” He winked, Castiel's pupils were blown wide in fear, his heart was racing and he felt himself hyperventilating but all he could think to do was go to class.

Castiel went to the bathroom and cleaned up as best he could, and then walked in late to first period, he felt so cold and shaky, and his skin was crawling. From the seat beside him a throat cleared, he looked over at Dean, who was wearing a chunky scarf and a few too many layers of clothing. An apologetic smile was washed across his angular features. A small note made its way to Cas’ desk. Castiel felt like he was on a cloud, but that the cloud was out to get him. Cas moved his hand from the desk when a small trail of spiders crossed it, he hid his hand in his pocket.

D: u ok?  
C: no  
D: what's wrong?  
C: so many bugs…  
D: wat?

Castiel didn't respond, he felt nauseous and flighty. He practically jumped twenty feet when Dean sneezed beside him, Dean looked over sheepishly, nose and mouth hidden behind the poofy blue scarf - Castiel hadn't noticed the effort but to his credit Dean did try to hold it in.

Castiel needed to leave, he began scratching at his arms, this is too much, it was all just too much, and when a TA came to bring him to the office, Castiel was all but catatonic.

“Dean will you take him?” Mr. Turner asked quietly, seeing Castiel's odd state of being, Dean nodded, helping Castiel up and walking him down to the office.

“What happened man?” He asked quietly,

“I'm okay.” He said, eyes the size of dinner plates words barely over a whisper

“You're n- _nah_ -not.” Another sneeze punctuated the silence.

“Sorry I kept you so long this weekend, it's probably why you're still sick.” By this point Castiel was shaking, but his mind was dropping like a rock into the sea. The cloud he had been on earlier was blackened and charred and soon all the happiness he felt was gone.

“Hey, ndo, my cold is ndot your fault, alright?” Dean said, rubbing Cas’ arm. Dean pulled up his scarf again to cough into it, watching Castiel who was pallid and sweating.

“Castiel Novak? The principle is ready to see you.”

“Go get emb tiger.” Dean patted Cas’ arm as he walked into the office.


	10. Dick of all Trades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really short one but I think you'll enjoy

“Principal Roman.” Castiel says, holding out his sweaty hand to shake, Principal Roman takes it with a smile,

“Hello Casteel” Cas doesn't correct him, “I hear you've been having some trouble with bullying lately, is that so?” Cas nods, his body too shaky his mind too lost to really speak, “well that's too bad, we wouldn't want anyone in our town hurting now would we.” Cas sighed, the patronizing tone did not bode well with him.

“I agree.” Cas responded quietly, forcing himself to speak

“Casteel, why do you choose to provoke these boys?”

“I don't provoke them, I'm their punching bag, punching bags don't get a say they're inanimate objects, it's a very fitting metaphor.”

“But surely you've done something?”

“No, I really haven't.” principal Roman frowned,

“Casteel are you feeling alright? You're sweating rather profusely.”

“I'm fine.” he grumbled

“Well, the group you listed will each have a one day in school suspension, though I do suggest in the future keeping your interactions with them to a minimum level. We won't be able to do much else at this point, minor bullying isn't a top priority, frankly this is a waste of resources.” Roman smiled, Castiel sighed, “go back to class, Casteel. Good luck.” Cas stood and left the room, he didn't mean to collapse into tears, he didn't mean to sit next to Dean, and fall into his shoulder - man his shoulder smelled nice. Dean picked up his friend and walked him out the back end of the school, taking him to the empty playground and sitting him down on a bench.

“Breathe, Castiel.” he said quietly, running his hands through Cas’ hair trying to calm him down, “Cas stay with me.” Castiel was hyperventilating badly at this point, “Cas come on,” he sniffled, rubbing Cas’ arms and pulling him into a hug. “Hey it's okay. It's okay.” Cas backed away slightly, a watery smile gracing his lips

“Dean,” he whispered through choked out tears, “they'll be out for a day. H-he-hee told me not to bother any-any-m-more that that I was the the p-problem. That I need to stop 'triggering them’ and all but all I am is a damn punching bag. They attacked me this morning, just like the other night, why do I have to be their punching bag? Why can't they just leave me alone? Why am I the problem?!”

“Hey, hey, whoa whoa no, Castiel, no. You are not the problem here. They're dicks, it's not your fault.” He said, running his large hands along Cas’ back gently, trying to soothe him so they could return to class.

“Dean, will you…will you kiss me.” He whispered, his whole body was shaking, he wanted comfort, wanted love from a world that wouldn't give it,

“But I have a cold.” He whispered, looking down at the boy who was falling apart at the seams,

“I don't, I don't care.” He shook his head, Dean looked down at him, he put his hands behind Cas’ head and dropped his lips onto Castiel's overheated forehead, planting a chaste kiss, Dean's wet nose lightly touching Cas’ forehead.

“When I'm better,” he said resolutely.

“I want you now.” He whispered.

“You want me now because you're hurting, we're gonna wait until you feel better too.” Castiel paused,

“We're outside, why are we outside, you're sick…” Castiel realized, finally beginning to come out of the trance he was in.

“You needed space, I knew it would be free over here.”

“Come on, let's go back to class.” Cas wiped the tears from his face,

“You sure you're ready for that?”

“You need to be inside, and we're missing the one class of the day I actually like.”

“Okay Cas.” He said,

“Dean. I feel better, at least a little, and I still want you to kiss me.”

“Castiel I have-”

“I know Dean I'm aware you have a cold you spent half the weekend at my house.”

“Sorry.”

“Don't be.” Castiel whispered, closing the distance between the two of them, “now Dean, can I kiss you?” He asked once again, he was so close he could smell the toothpaste on Dean's breath,

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, closing his eyes as he went in, their lips made contact, his chapped lips meeting Dean's soft wet ones. Dean's lips parted slightly as Cas’ fit between them, soft and bubbly, Dean's nose rubbed against Cas’, their breathing slowing to match one another. After a few moments the two broke apart, Dean's forehead leaning on Cas’,

“That's was, _hih, a_ -amazing- _huh hhh_ ,” Dean immediately flung himself backwards, hiding another violent sneeze in his scarf as Cas held him steady.

“Come on, let's get you inside.” Cas whispered, worry crossing his features.

“I swear no complaining if you get this.”

“Don't worry Dean, you're the complainer in this friendship.”

“Friendship?”

“I uh, did, did you not want to be my friend.. anymore? I uh, I mean I understand, I didn't mean to force…”

“Castiel, stop.” He looked into Cas' bright eyes full of sadness, “if you want to be friends, I can do that, I just assumed you'd want to be...more...than friends.”

“Oh.” He whispered in surprise, “um yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I'll be more than friends with you.” Castiel tiptoed up for another kiss,

“Okay, okay, ndo mbore kisses Cas.”

“Okay Dean, let's go back to class.” They walked back in the doors, Dean's hand linked in Cas’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think ^-^


	11. Finde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oomf - one of my followers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, 3 chapters in 2 days crazy right?
> 
> Wrong.
> 
> During the week I've been working on a commission piece so I'm trying to get more done in this story during the weekends until that's completed.
> 
> The commission we'll be posted here so expect to see that coming soon :)
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always tell me what you think ^-^

“Castiel come on, it's time to go.” Dean called, Cas shuffled down the stairs,

“Ndot that I'b cobplaiding, but I dond’t have the, have hav- _choo_! the energy for this.” Cas rubbed his nose and coughed into his shoulder,

“Of course you're not,” Dean grinned, “because that would be against our agreement. Come on sniffles, we have to get to the bus stop.Sammy is waiting outside.” Cas groaned, glaring at Dean.

When Dean notices Cas shivering on the bus, he pulls his backpack off and takes out a blanket, wrapping it around his more than friend. Dean pressed a gentle kiss onto his cheek, as Castiel pitches forward with another sneeze. “You can thank Sam for that, too.” Dean pulls out a small packet of tissues and hands them over to Castiel who takes them thankfully.

“Did you pack every medical supply in your house?” He asks, wiping his nose,

“Maybe. It's not like me and Sammy didn't have it already, so I brought the extras.” Castiel shivers again, and Dean drops his hand onto Cas’ forehead, “is that a fever, Cas come on you shouldn't be here.” Dean grumbled, concern painting his features.

“It's fide, Deand, ndot of imbport.” He lackadaisically brushed away Dean's concern, “besides I already mbissed half the week I ndeed to be back add get caught up before Christbas break.” Dean frowned, nodding. The two split up to get to their lockers, unfortunately they were in separate wings, and Castiel once again found himself cornered and alone.

Josie, Crowley, Arthur and some new girl had Castiel surrounded,

“Well well well, look what the cat dragged in.” Crowley cooed,

“We thought you were avoiding us, since after we all got suspended you just happened to be missing” Arthur chimed in, a nasty grin on his face

“Nice to meet the newest bitchboy.” The new girl chimed in, her voice syrupy smoothe

“I wasd't.” Castiel sniffled, swallowing back the phlegm in his throat and wobbling in place, “ _huh-uh-huhtchoo_ ” Castiel sneezed violently, spraying Crowley with germs and snot, the sneeze reanimated the growing headache in Cas’ temple.

“Delightful.” Crowley grumbled, he slowly wiped his face off, and followed it by punching Castiel in the nose. “See you later, boys, Meg, let's go.” He screeched as they walked off, it could be worse, Castiel supposed, he assumed they didn't want to get into any more trouble.

Walking to class holding tissues against his throbbing nose, Cas avoided Dean’s eyes as he entered.

“Mr. Novak, can you see me after class please?” Mr. Turner called out, Cas nodded. Dean looked at Castiel, weariness filling his eyes. Castiel was trying not to shiver, but Dean noticed regardless. Cas turned himself to his paperwork,

Forests, forests made of tiny dashes,

Dashes of love and of lust and of loss

Castiel paused on the scribbled poems to stifle a sneeze and sniffle violently into his sleeve. A pitying look from his boyfriend, Castiel groaned quietly, back to his poem,

The loss of safety and sanctity, sanity and unity

Together we end that all-

Cas was annoyed, the words weren't working today, maybe it was the fog his head was in but he scratched them out angrily, coughing into his shoulder. He leaned back in his seat, giving up on writing altogether, back to paint attention to class, sort of.

“okay class, group discussion time, everyone get into a circle.” Mr. Turner called out, the class rearranged their desks “Okay class, now what makes a good story? Any story, a book, a movie, an album? Just shout out your answers.”

“Text”

“Subtext!”

“Scene dressing.”

“Word choice”

“Music.”

“C-character choice.” Castiel coughed out, the class winced in unison. Dean rubbed Cas’ arm gently,  
“Excellent answers, all of you, now, what makes a good plot?” the class continued on in such a manner until Mr. Turner laid out their assignment, they were to work in pairs to create a collaborative short story, at least 20 pages double spaced. Mr. Turner assigned the partners based on writing styles and previously turned in assignments, Dean was partnered with Charlie Bradbury, and Castiel was assigned to Benny Lafitte. Mr. Turner broke them into teams to discuss the project.

Castiel walked over to Benny, who held out his hand, Cas just shook his head

“Sorry mband, you dond't wand't this.” Cas said sitting down and wiping his nose on a tissue fished from his pocket. Benny nodded in understanding, “So, story, what do you like to write?”

“Well now, why don't we write a horror, that's my preferred genre.” Benny said, a southern drawl tickling his words,

“I love poetry, I thingk those go handd in handd very well. I thingk prose bakes horror creepier, quoth the Raven neverbore add all that.” Castiel choked out.

“Okay, well that'll do then. Why don't we each create a couple characters, we'll come back to the plot tomorrow?”

“Yeah, okay.” The two quickly exchanged numbers.

“Class dismissed.” Mr. Turner called out, Castiel sighed, walking over to Mr. Turner,

“Hello Castiel.” He said with a smile, Dean walked over beside him, throwing his arm around Cas’ lower back, “Dean,” he nodded, “what happened to your nose?” He asked quietly, looking at Cas’ swollen appendage,

“Uh ndothigg, just a cold.” He said sheepishly, Dean took note and scowled - it definitely hadn't been that big this morning.

“Okay, you know you can talk to me right?” Cas nodded, last time that worked out so well… “anyways, about the work you missed, I'm going to let you off this time, because I see how hard you've been hit,” Cas grimmaced “that said if you let your grade in my class slip we might have to revisit this, it was almost a week of homework after all. And hey - mums the word on this.”

“Tha-thank you.” Castiel coughed out,

“Don't mention it kid, my job as a teacher doesn't stop at learning.”

At lunch Dean was watching Castiel closely, his hovering was admittedly on Castiel's nerves, he had been alone so long that the hovering behavior was completely off his radar. Benny and Charlie walked over to Dean and Castiel's table, sitting down.

“Howdy partners.” Benny said, eyeing the two,

“Uh, hey.” Castiel coughed out,

“Wanna trade lunches? My grandma made soup.” Charlie said, offering a thermos for Cas’ sandwich, the one Dean made him. Cas looked at Dean, who just nodded slightly, Cas smiled and handed her the sandwich.

“You guys here to talk about the papers?”

“Nah, we decided that we should probably get to know you both, all things considered.”

“Oh, okay.” Castiel gave a small smile, “are you two.. together?” Charlie almost spit out her sandwich,

“Uh, no, born and bred carpet biter.” She said with a small laugh,

“Oh.” Dean said, surprise filling his voice

“Well I'm dating Angelie Perkins but she's at second lunch.” Benny said with a chuckle, “guess that makes me the token straight here.”

“Guess it does.” Dean said eyeing Castiel, who had all but fallen asleep on the table.

“He's really not well, huh?” Benny asked, looking down at his sleeping writing partner,

“He caught this bad cold I had.” Dean said sheepishly,

“Ya couldn't keep it in your pants could ya Winchester?” Charlie joked,

“He told me to.” Dean whined,

“It’s fine Dean.” Cas grumbled from the table, his back shook as he coughed into it.

“You should stay home tomorrow.” Dean said quietly,

“Hey, you shush, he's fine and we have a project to work on.” Benny complained, “he ain't no wimp.”

“I'mb finde, Deand.” Cas said, sitting up and taking a gulp of his soup. To his credit nothing this cold could throw at him would beat what he did to himself on a nightly basis. Dean didn't need to know about that, though.

“You're not 'fide’.” Dean grumbled, but eventually he dropped it. Dean, Benny and Charlie spent the lunch period talking and joking around while Castiel napped. When lunch was over, Dean had made two new friends and Castiel had made a significant drool puddle on the table.

“Come on, Cas, wake up for me.” Dean gently shook his boyfriend, Cas grumbled and sat up, coughing violently as he did. “This is hitting you way harder than it hit me.” Dean said quietly.

“Tomorrow is Friday, I'll make it through the week. Plus thend we half a half week add go indto Christdbas break.” He slurred,

“Im coming over tonight, I'll bring Sammy, we'll take good care of you, okay?”

“I dond't have a choice do I?”

“Nope, as your boyfriend it's my job, and I'm no slacker.” He said with a grin, kissing Cas’ chin. “Now come on, let me walk you to class.”

Science with Mr. Adler was Cas’ least favorite class, surrounded by his fave five (hah) he spent most days hunched over his work in fear. He would quickly finish the classwork so he could run out, that didn't however stop in class jabs and taunts, didn't stop spitballs finding his neck or angry subtweets thrown his way. This class was a war zone, and Castiel was in the trenches.

Today they were doing some lab on cell phone germ contents, of course. Each group swabbed their phones and placed the swabs In a solution, leaving them to grow.

Cr0wley_King: #OOMF is a germ, maybe we should swab him instead #PhoneGermExperiment

Alasta1rzz: @Cr0wley_King maybe if we take some Lysol to him he'll disappear too #PhoneGermExperiment #ICanHope #99.9%

Ketchakabra: @Alasta1rzz @Cr0wley_King i believe him human, though definitely a waste of one #AsstielNoThanks

Castyelling: #OOMF please stop.

Cas found himself surrounded, being silently attacked, the slouch in his posture pushed further down by angry glares and dark words. There were no safe harbors, not in this class. At the bell Cas found himself surrounded by happy glaring faces,

“Where you going Castiel?” Alastair cooed, grabbing Cas’ backpack and pulling it hard enough to rip the strap. He used the bag strap to fling Castiel out the door and into a set of metal lockers, pushing his shoulder blades fiercely into the metal,

“Come, Alastair, better things call.” Crowley called out as he walked down the hall, Alastair smirked and chased after him.

**

“Castiel, lay down.” Dean said quietly, Cas sighed, getting onto the couch “good” Dean said gently, balancing on one leg the other kicked out behind him as he dropped down and pressed a light kiss to Castiel's mouth, pulling back up after a moment. He ran his hands through Castiel's black hair, sitting down beside him. Sam sat himself on the floor in front of them, beginning his homework. Dean grabbed Cas’ backpack and began sewing,

“Really, you dond't have to do that. I cand mbandage without it.” Castiel croaked

“Nonsense, happy to.” Dean mumbled, the needle between his lips as he prepared to thread the string. His fingers adept with tiny stitch work - necessary clothing repairs are commonplace when your daddy is a poor alcoholic. An indiscernible amount of time passed, punctuated with stifled coughs and small noises of confusion or satisfaction coming from Sam as he moved from problem to problem on his math homework.

“There, good as new.” Dean said, a small smile gracing his lips. Cas smiled, then smothered his head in a pillow to cough. Dean grabbed the pillow and flung it to the other side of the couch, sitting next to his boyfriend. “Cas, you need anything?”

“Ndo, Deand, really.” He said, trying not to seem annoyed,

“What's wrong?” Dean asked quietly,

“I'mb, this, I'mb ndot used to this.” He mumbled out,

“Well get used to it.”

“I-ndo. I dond't.. I dond't like this. It's too mbuch. Quit babyigg mbe, I will take care of mbyself sambe as every I cand still-” he's cut off by a raspy set of coughs, “I cand still do everythigg.” Dean sat quietly for a minute, thinking about what to say,

“Of course you can.” he said, with a tiny sad smile. “You're still you, Castiel, but I'm gonna help. You can, you don't have to.” He leaned down and kisses Castiel's inflamed nose. “'sides, you did it for me.”

“Ndot really, I threw a fit andd left you alonde udntil you left.”

“Well, you thought about it.”

“I guess.”

“You're stubborn.” Castiel didn't respond. “At least Christmas break is coming up, you got any plans?”

“Ndo.” He said sadly,

“What a coincidence, John has nothing planned, why don't you come stay with us?”

“Dean, do you really think that's a good idea?” Sam asked quietly,

“Hey he's a drunk but… If we keep him that way he should be okay.”

“Deand, thangk you, but I wouldd't wandt to imbpose.”

“You're not imposing.”

“Okay.” Castiel resigned, “ondly if I'mb better.” He added the clause quickly

“Well, if you let your handsome boyfriend take care of you, of course you'll be.” Dean said, planting another kiss on his sweaty forehead.

“Get a room.” Sam grumbled “I don't wanna puke on my math homework.” He glared over at the two boys, who in return just laughed. When Castiel's laugh turned into a hacking cough Dean decided it was time for bed, and began walking the shivering boy upstairs.


	12. We Gonna Talk About Those?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think ^-^

“Okay, what pajamas do you want?” Dean called over to Cas from inside his walk in closet,

“Whatever you can fiddd i’b ndot picky.” Castiel called out, stripping his clothes from the day, pulling his boxer legs down nervously. Dean comes out of the closet with a set of Christmas sloth pajamas, and sees Cas sheepishly standing, half naked, messing with his boxers.

Dean growls quietly, smiling at his boyfriend.

“Here you go.” Cas let's go of his underwear and pulls the top on first, stretching up to pull the shirt over his head. As he reached over his head to get into the top, his underwear rode up, Dean sat on the bed and pulled Castiel down by the waist towards him, keeping one arm gently wrapped around his torso.

“We gonna talk about those?” He asked gently, pointing to his thigh,

“I don't kdow what you're talkigg about.” Cas responded, not meeting his eyes, fiddling gently with the sleeves of his shirt.

“Castiel.” Dean said gently, pushing up Cas’ underwear, revealing pale scars, healing scabs, and fresh red angry lines.

“Look it's ndothigg.” Cas said, pulling the shorts back down.

“Cas,” Dean's hand rubbed gently over Castiel's covered thigh, Castiel shivered at the touch - not that he wasn't already shivering. Castiel stood up, ignoring Dean as he pulled the pajama pants up his legs,

“There, it's gonde. Let's go back to pretenddigg it isnd't there.” He said, hands on his hips,

“Castiel.”

“Ndo.” He grumbled, getting under the covers of his bed,

“Please stop, for me?”

“Are you indsande? This onde thigg keeps mbe together, ndot mby parendts, ndot you, ndot Samb, ndot teachers or school, I have ndo onde, everyonde leaves, and so ndo, I'mb going to keep doingg what it takes to hold mby desperate ass together.” Cas finished his angry monologue and immediately started coughing, Dean stood, letting go of Castiel and backing away from the bed slightly.

“This won't fix you.” Dean whispered

“You cadd't either” Cas choked out between desperate coughs.

“I can help.” Dean looked away,

“You caddot fix mby mbendtal health.”

“So what?”

“So dod’t try.” Cas said exsaperatedly.

“But, Cas…”

“But ndothigg, if you can't accept this we cand't be together.” Dean frowned, torn.

“Cas…” he whispered,

“Ndo, choose, choose ndow. Mbe as I amb or ndot at all.”

“Castiel…”

“I see you're optigg for ndot at all.” Castiel said angrily, not allowing Dean to finish “mbaybe you should leave.” Dean swallowed, his throat was dry, he couldn't let Castiel keep doing this to himself, not as a friend or a boyfriend or anything.

“Castiel please.” He pleaded,

“Ndo, go.” He said angrily, sadly,

“I'll be downstairs.”

“Deand please go hombe. You mbade your choice and I need to-” more coughing “sleep.”

“...okay” his voice cracked, he sadly walked down the stairs. As he reached the bottom Sam looked up, a little confused but didn't say anything.

“Time to go home, Sammy.” Dean said quietly

“I thought we were staying-”

“We're not.” He said darkly,

“Okay Dean.” Sam said, collecting his things. What the hell just happened? Dean was lost in the thought reliving it, splicing it with other vague memories

  
_“Sammy, Sammy come on it's me it's Dean, Sammy please wake up.” Dean shook the unconscious boy desperately, he was on the bathroom floor, an empty pill bottle at his side. The long sleeves on his flannel were pooling red puddles. “Sammy, please”_

  
_“9-1-1 what's your emergency?”_

Dean shuddered, this was a mess. As the two boys left the premises for home, he whipped out his phone and texted Castiel,

“cas dont do this lemme help,” he didn't expect an immediate response, and was pleasantly surprised he got one

“Dean, you can't fix me don't even try. Leave it alone or leave me alone, your choice.” Dean's heart sunk,

“I can't leave this alone, Castiel.”

“Then please cease and desist contact, thank you for the last week, I'll ensure you get the medical supplies back, goodbye, Dean.”

“Get some rest Cas, lots of fluids, don't come to school tomorrow.” The last went unanswered.

At the bus stop the next day Dean waited, breath held, but there was no Castiel in sight, both concerned and relieved Dean allowed himself to breathe again. He grabbed his books out of his locker and headed towards Mr. Turner's class, he took his seat next to Cas’ desk and opened his books.

As the bell rang Dean heard wheezing in the doorway, and a dangerously pale Castiel came barging in, taking his seat as his breaths came in heavy and ragged, and damn if it weren't so jarring it'd be sexy.

“Alright class, as you know I assigned your class projects yesterday, you all got your partners, to make the project easier I've done our first seating chart update, you are all seated next to your partner, so if you'll all please go to your new seats - this will be a permanent arrangement for the duration of the project.” Mr. Turner finished, smiling at the class as a new arrangement was on the display. Castiel stood, wobbling slightly and made his way next to Benny, as Dean did with Charlie. The rest of the day only seemed to crumble from there.

At lunch Dean sat alone, he could feel eyes all over him, but when he sat at Cas’ table, Castiel left, so Dean did too. Dean tried to text him a few times, but Castiel wasn't answering. He had locked Dean away.

Against his locker Dean was getting ready to board the bus home when he heard someone speaking. “Winchester.” A nasal voice growled out, Dean looked up to find Crowley in front of him,

“Yes?” He asked, tiredly,

“I see you and our poppet Castiel aren't doing so well, care to tell?” he asked, a glint in his eye,

“Why do you care, Crowley.”

“Come to my party tonight, it'll help you forget all about him.” Crowley said, a gleaming smile taking over his buggish features.

“Okay.” Dean said, “here text me the address and time.” Dean said, taking Crowley's phone and adding his number inside.

“I will.” Crowley grinned, walking off.  Dean sighed, walking towards the bus. Walking down the rows he doesn't see Cas, just boring brown seats with duct tape dispersed on them. He's disappointed until he hears a tiny sneeze and finds Castiel, hiding under the seat towards the back, right next to the heater.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas grumbles, he'd been caught. “Can I help you.” He doesn't move from under the seat.

“Castiel Novak get out from under there, now.” Cas obliges, glaring angrily in Dean's direction. He stands, and makes as if to leave.

“Goodbye, Dean.” He grumbles, walking back up the rows

“Where do you think you're going?”

“to walk hombe, Deand, I kndew the bus was a bad idea.” He grumbled again,

“Hey, hey, no. You shouldn't even have come in today, how did you get here this morning?”

“I walked.”

“Of course you did. Sit down. I promise not to bother you.” He says, almost angrily.

“Finde.”

“Fine.” Dean takes his seat, Sam pops onto the bus, sees the boys apart and sadly takes his usual spot next to Dean - he had liked Castiel.

 


	13. Samprise!

Castiel found himself home alone on this fine start to winter break, it wasn't the first time. He'd received some presents from “Santa” in the mail, and that was okay, but it wasn't companionship. He missed his parents, he missed Dean, but he couldn't just stop, so Dean couldn't be a part of his life anymore… It's fine, Castiel had been alone this far, he could manage. He had laid himself on the couch under a blanket, opting to watch some show about bees and their pollination cycles as his phone starts vibrating. Castiel's heart flutters as he rushed to pick it up, the wings are stolen away when he sees it's his mom.

“Hey momb,” Castiel sniffled,

“Hey Cassie, how are you doing sweetie?”

“I'mb good, how are you?”

“We're great kiddo, you getting the gifts Santa's been sending?” She asked hopefully,

“Yeah, yeah I did momb, thangks.” A rough snort followed by some deep coughing filled the speaker “s-sorry.” He choked out,

“Castiel, are you sick?”

“I'mb finde momb, really.”

“Castiel, you do not sound fine.” She said worriedly, a harsh sneeze filled the speaker and that made her mind up “Castiel, go get the thermometer, now.” She said, he sighed, putting the phone down. A few minutes later he returned,

“Okay momb,”

“Okay, what is the read?”

“98.9” Castiel responded, casually twisting the little device in his hand, the red line hovering just beneath the 102.6 marking.

“Okay sweetie, okay, do you want me to let you go so you can get some rest?”

“Ndo, it's okay I wasnd't restigg.” He said quietly,

“Okay Cassie, me and your dad's team found a really great artifact the other day, a teapot potentially dating back to ancient Ir-” she was cut off by Castiel coughing violently into the receiver,

“So-sorry” he rasped, “codtidue.”

“Sweetie, lots of fluids and bed rest, okay?” She said gently,

“Yes mbomb.” His heart hurt, “tell mbe about the teapot.”

“So it might date back to ancient Iran, it seems to have Zoroastrianism mythos on it but we aren't sure yet.”

“Thad's really cool momb.”

“You still having fun with your friends? Last time I called you had friends over, you still hanging with them?”

“I, uh, yeah,” he stammered “we're _heh_ good.” He said quietly, holding back another sneeze.

“Maybe have them come check in on you?”

“Mbomb, I'mb fide, id’s just a cold.”

“Okay sweetie, I just worry about you.”

“I kdow momb.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I have to go sweetie, you get some rest okay?”

“Okay momb.”

“Bye Cassie, take it easy.” And the call ended. Castiel twiddled the thermometer between his fingers, 102 wasn't quite concerning territory yet, right? Sure. Sure. Castiel wrapped his frigid body in blankets and settled in to the couch.

 

***

 

“Sammy, you're gonna be okay without me for a few hours tonight, right?” Dean asked timidly,

“That depends, are you going to make up with Castiel?” Sam asked defiantly, Dean sighed,

“No, Sam, I'm not.”

“Why not?”

“I just can't, Sam, not, not again.” he looked down at Sam's arms.

“Okay.” Sam dropped it, “yes, I'll be fine alone for a few hours.” He responded sincerely, Dean kissed his forehead, giving him a quick hug.

“Good.” He said as he went to get ready. He picked a metallic grey button up, laced with silver strands that sparkled, his sleeves we're rolled half way, and a loose red tie completed the look. He tugged at his hair, attempting to get it to comply. He gave in to letting it follow the natural cowlick, sticking straight up.

“Okay, how do I look Sammy?” He asked, a genuine smile across his lips,

“Like you need to go make up with your boyfriend.” Sam deadpanned,

“Sam, he doesn't want me anymore, he basically dumped me, so drop it okay?”

“Okay Dean, you look good.” He said earnestly,

“Did Dad take the Impala?”

“Doesn't dad usually take the Impala?” Dean sighed,

“Yeah, okay.” Dean pulled out his phone,

“hey crowley can u come get me? (:”

“Sure, text me the address.” Dean complied

“Be there in ten” Dean smiled, his first party since moving to Pennsylvania. Awesome. To top it off, no ties, Dean could be free, but despite his excitement, somewhere inside his heart was nagging him, beating in time to the syllables of 'Castiel’. It didn't matter, Cas didn't dese-no, stop, Cas thinks that way enough without my help.

When Crowley arrived at the door, a devilish smile was plastered to his face,

“Dean, darling, let's go.” He said happily. Dean smiled

“Bye Sammy, we'll be back later!” Sam frowned, nodding as the two left.

 

***

 

Loud music, sweaty bodies, spilled drinks and the wafting smell of Tequila filled the room, hardwood floors and purple walls lined with streamers and balloons illuminated by dimmed lighting and Christmas lights strung haphazardly around. Loud Christmas trap music played through the halls, vibrating the air with each pulsing beat from the large speakers. Dean made his way through the crowd, drink held high above his head as he attempted to navigate the crowd. Some girl stopped him as he was walking and started grinding on him, he grinned happily

“Hey sweetheart, I haven't seen you around town.” He all but yelled into her ear,

“I'm not from around here, I live north of here “ she yelled back, tickling his ear with her lips,

“What's your name, sweetheart?” Felix felisis, or something similar, was pouring through his veins.

“Bela.” She purred, she had now moved to nibbling his ear, his heart was beating rapidly 'wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong’ but his head and well _other places_ said right.

“Dean” he purred back,

“Wanna take this to the back?” Her eyes danced, Dean smiled, following her lead to the back of the home. Her mouth was immediately on his, her sweet scent intoxicating and Dean was an alcoholic begging for more. Her soft lips traced his, gentle and hungry.

“Bela” he breathed out, pulling his hands over her beautiful ass, and then back up to her breasts, palming them desperately as he kissed her neck. Dean freed his right hand from her body, trying to move his hardened dick out of the awkward angle it had found itself.

“A little premature are we?” Bela asked, a flick of the eyebrow as she leaned her chin inwards to leave small kisses along Dean's jaw.

“Oh no, just getting started.” He responded, picking Bela up and holding her against a wall, she wrapped her legs around his waist. He kissed her, hard, crushing his lips to hers as Crowley walked past, grabbing at Dean's ass.

“Hey tiger,” he called out, Dean turned to face him, grabbing his belt loop and pulling the husky guy in for a quick kiss, a peck on the mouth before letting him go. He turned back to Bela and resumed familiarizing himself with every wrinkle and crevice on her lip gloss coated mouth.

 

**

“102.8. Not, not good…” Castiel grumbled to himself, brushing his arm with his hand and placing the thermometer carefully on the coffee table in front of him, gently, so as not to shatter the aging glass. He had fallen asleep on the couch and had woken up shivering violently. At least it was winter break, all he had to do was work with Benny on their English project.

Cas stood, wobbling badly and falling against the wall for support. He paused to eject his lungs into the fourth dimension, his rasping cough almost covering the sound of knocking from the door. Castiel slowly shuffled to the door, managing to open it with minor coughing.

“What are you doingg here?” Castiel coughed out,

“I brought tea and soup.” He said, looking Castiel over with concern,

“Combe ind thend.” Cas sighed opening the door, “does your brother kndow you're here?” Castiel coughed harshly into his shoulder.  Sam didn't answer. “I'll take that as a ndo.” Cas said, falling back onto the couch. “You probably should'tt be here Samb, I'mb pretty sick, if I give it back to you your brother will kill mbe. Andd thend you.”

“That's precisely why I'm here, what the hell happened with my brother?” He asked, working to get a pot of tea going, the open concept of Castiel's home allowing Sam the opportunity to harass Castiel on the couch and cook at the same time.

“He could'tt leave well endough alonde, he was tryigg to chadge mbe, andd he cand't.”

“Cas,” Sam bit his lip, “did it have _anything_ to do with the excessive doses of painkillers, or the razor on the end table?”

“Sam, this isd't your fight. Just drop it.”

“Yes it is. Dean was so happy, and I don't want to lose that.” he said sadly, he hadn't seen Dean that happy in a long time.

“I cand't be his happidess” I cand’t evend be mby ownd,

“That's not…” Sam grumbled, walking the tea over to Cas, “that's not what I mean. What I mean is you being around, it helps okay? Like when you play the Sims and they get a positive moodlet for a while that just stays as long as the situation  is still in play..”

“Thagk you for the tea, ndow you should probably be goigg. Wouldd't wadt your brother to worry.”

“He's not, he won't be home for a while, went to some party.”

“ _Oh.”_

“What?”

“It's ndothigg, that's just, it's hosted by sombe people fromb school, it's kndownd to be a hook up party.” He grumbled,

“Hey, you left him, you can't be annoyed at him for living his life right now, my brother does not need a Ross Geller.”

“Rachel is the onde that was mad, Ross just liked _hiiih_ dindosaurs- _hiiitchexshuu.”_ Castiel sneezed loudly into his arm,

“Bless you.” Sam said, handing Castiel a tissue, as their hands brushed Sam's eyes widened, “you're burning up.”

“102.8” Cas mumbled, looking away and wiping his wet nose.

“Yeah I'm not going anywhere, I'll text Dean.” He said, seeing the look on Cas’ face.

“Dean, spending the night at a friend's place, don't wait up 👍” - “and sent.” Sam mumbled smiling, showing Cas the phone, he nodded, “now, how can I help?”

“Umb, soup would be great.” He said sheepishly, his stomach growled.

“How did you even manage at school today?” Sam wondered aloud, searching through Cas’ cabinets for a pot

“A lot of DayQuil,” Cas snuffled,

“Yeah well, looks like you're paying for it now.” Sam said, looking into Cas’ pantry - damn where did all these fruit flies come from? - he pulled out various canned vegetables and set them aside to add to the brothers after the noodles had cooked.

“Cas, do you have a vacuum?” Sam asked gently,

“Ind that closet.” Castiel said, pointing to a closet with a sign that said “Love Yourself First!” hanging above it. Sam pulled it out and began pulling items out of the pantry, washing cans and tableware, he shuddered as he stumbled upon sugar with dead flies dotting the top layer of the substance. Tossing anything that wasn't sealed, and then vacuuming the colony of flies out of the pantry, stopping half way through to add vegetables to the soup. Sam turned the soup down to a light simmer as he finished washing out and restocking the pantry.

 

“Here you go Castiel, one bowl of soup and about ten thousand less fruit flies.” Cas’ eyes became saucers,

“You cleadned my pandtry?”

“Well, yeah, you're in no position to do it, i'm surprised you survived getting the door.”

“Thangk you - stop cleadingg mby house.” Sam sighed, sitting down beside Cas on the couch he began fiddling with his phone

“wat friend do I no em?”

“It's Cas, Dean. If you need me, I'm at Castiel's house.”

“K” Sam sighed, both concerned and relieved that he didn't receive a fight for this,

“This soup was delicious Samb, thangk you.”

“No problem, Cas.” He said with a smile, a shudder ran through Castiel and Sam stood,

“Where are the extra blankets?”

“Ind the roomb back there, ind the closet.” Cas said, pointing towards an office, Sam walked in, standing on a chair to reach the blankets up above, as he stood tip toe on the wobbling chair Sam grabbed the corners of a couple blankets, as he did his center of gravity shifted backwards, throwing Sam into the floor buried in blankets with an “oof!”

“Samb, you okay?” Cas called out, starting to stand

“Hey I'm fine don't get up.” Sam called back, standing slowly and bringing the blankets out, draping them over Castiel.”

“He's godda kill mbe if you get hurt.”

“He is not. Besides he's not here.”Cas sighed sadly, Sam winced - good going Sam…obviously this was Dean's department, he should be here not _me_. “Just rest, Castiel. I'll be here if you need anything.”

“Okay Samb.” Cas coughed out, sinking down into the blankets and the cushions of the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know bisexual =/= promiscuous
> 
> I am specifically writing hurting!Dean here, and how I think he would react in that situation.
> 
> Just... Felt like I should clarify.
> 
>  
> 
> As usual tell me what you think, like? Didn't like? What do you wanna see next? Thanks for reading and thanks for 50 kudos!!!!!!!❤️❤️
> 
> \- Alex ^-^


	14. Sunshine, Lollipops, Rainbows...and Vomit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: emetophobia (not that it's excessive but, just FYI)

He was convinced - not that it took much convincing - but Bela was persuasive and so with Dean's consent she placed a little blue pill shaped like Optimus Prime's face delicately on his tongue, and soon he was _up,_ Dean was on a cloud, and the cloud was made of aeresolated five hour energy.  Every sound in the room, every laugh, every musical note, the endless chatter in the background,  every bouncing body, the feel of his shirt tag scratching against his neck, it was like he was experiencing all of it for the first time, for the first time he was really seeing, and as he saw the world in it's true beauty for the first time, all he wanted to do was dance. And so he did.

Pupils blown wide his green irises were reduced to little rings circling the large black saucers. His body flowed In the moment, somehow it became fluid like a strand of kelp floating around the ocean, dancing his way from person to person, bouncing around with Joli, slow dancing with Matt, kissing Stephanie and Michelle and Dirk, he felt light, and peaceful, and like the world was going to crash into him going eighty in a twenty five.  

He grabbed the sweaty hand of whoever happened to be next to him, artificial happiness was the water keeping his body alive, the synapses in his brain practically orgasming. Dean was lost to the crowd, and had lost himself along the way.

 

**

 

Sam was a little bored, Castiel had fallen asleep, and while Sam didn't want to wake him with any noise or movement, he also didn't want to leave in case Cas woke up and needed something - as he fell asleep his voice dwindled so thin that Sam wasn't sure he would hear him from another room. Giving in to the boredom, Sam pulled out his phone and popped onto Twitter, he bit his lip, eyeing the sleeping teen beside him, and morbid curiosity won. In the search bar he entered Castiel Novak, a little white egg photo with @castyelling was the first search result, Sam clicked on it and was taken to Cas’ page.

 

Castyelling: boyfriends come and go, but depression is forever! 😍❤️ #fml

Castyelling: my back is killing me #hidingundertheseatgotmelike

Castyelling: Y can't this end #talkingaboutthecold #definitelynotsuicidal #lol

Castyelling: #OOMF  please stop

Castyelling: Rain kisses >>>

Castyelling: can you drink all my thoughts, cuz I can't stand them < y is this so applicable… #sigh #fml

Castyelling: well...it wasn't the bodily fluid I was hoping for #hesneezedonme #greeneyeslikeafreshpickledtoad

Castyelling: even his sneezes are cute #fml #greeneyeslikeafreshpickledtoad

Castyelling: @Cr0wley_King @abbadont ok.

Castyelling: @Cr0wley_King @Alasta1rzz already there, thanks 😪🔫

Castyelling: Y me? No point anymore.

Castyelling: Reading binge - drowning out this reality with other realities #BadFanFiction

Castyelling: the way he looks at me when he's about to punch me in the face 😍😍 #tuesdaymotivation #fml

Castyelling: whoops, too deep, oh well I didn't need that blood anyways #lol #imfine

Castyelling: pop punk is a salve for the soul #2007kidontheinside

Castyelling: when you name your kid after an angel but they're low-key bound for hell #LGBT

Castyelling: The Hunger Games #MySexLifeInMovieTitles

Castyelling: Me and Happiness #TwoThingsThatDontMix

Castyelling: Puppers! At the Disco #DogBands

Castyelling: Love don't live here anymore #Kerli

Castyelling: Giving up happiness for #Lent, oh wait, that would require having some #whoops

Castyelling:  ur ok I guess #CandyHeartRejects

Castyelling: It's honestly a short term commitment #PerksOfDatingMe #lolimnotsuicidal

 

Sam stopped, closing the app after he had seen more than enough. The scars that lined his arms itched desperately, but even more his heart ached for Castiel, and for Dean's ability to sniff out the broken ones. He thought about calling his brother, but decided against it - he didn't want to intrude, not with this, how would he even start _oh hey so you know how I'm hanging out with your ex boyfriend? Well I'm worried about him because I Twitter stalked him and now I wanna cut sort of but like I won't though, but yeah_ \- how about no.

Sam sat for a while, lost in thought when Castiel began to stir, his porcelain blue eyes slowly opening to a squint, the first audible sniffle Sam had heard in a while following shortly after.

“How longg was I out?” Cas asked, rubbing his eyes

“Not long.” Sam responded casually,

“What timbe is it?”

“Time you got a watch.” Sam said proudly, Cas just glared.

“I have a watch.”

“It's 7:30.”

“I'mb sorry.” Cas mumbled, he'd been asleep for hours,

“Hey come on none of that.” he said firmly, “now come on let's check that fever.”

 

***

 

Between a brunette girl in a pleather mini skirt and fishnets with pretty blue eyes, and some guy with flaming red hair and freckles wearing booty shorts and glitter - Dean Winchester was having the night of his life. Dean was grinding forward onto her, back onto him, he'd make out with one and grind on the other and reverse, his senses were on fire and the lust was the spark. Fast paced and free Dean didn't have a care in the world, it was as if every pain he had ever faced had disappeared, all that existed was good. He was sweating and shivering and excited and god was he horny. Dean rutted into the guy - Ian he thought his name was, and Ian(?) rutted back, grinding against one another. Dean was kissing at his neck, Dean was great, Dean was happy, Dean was living in the moment, and Dean was collapsing, and Dean was wobbling, and Dean was blacked out on the floor.

 

***

 

Dean woke up shaking in his front yard, his phone in front of his outstretched hand laying in the weeds. He moved his aching arms as if to stand but immediately vomited into the grass instead “ugh” a quiet groan escaped his swollen lips as more shivers ran through his sweaty body and, _wait, hey, where did my shirt go_? Dean looked at his are arms and bare chest, only the tie hanging limply in the pile of vomit. “Don't do drugs, kids.” He mumbled, grabbing his phone and staggering inside.

He made it to the couch, falling haphazardly into it as the tie fell against and stuck to his bare chest with a sickening splat. Dean felt another wave of nausea roll through his stomach at the thought. He opened his phone, the bright blurry screen too much for his eyes to handle at the moment. As his eyes adjusted, he saw a few new messages, some from Sam he didn't remember answering, and one from Crowley explaining that Dean had blacked out and that Crowley had taken him home.

“Thanks for leaving me in the grass, douche” He mumbled, forcing his jaw from side to side attempting to get it to unlock from its tightly clenched state. A new text from Sam chimed in on his phone,

“Hey I'm getting worried, might staart  few days, will come get clothes tomorrow if I decide to do that.”

“**Stay”

“he ok?”

“No.” Dean sighed, reading the little text, God this whole thing was so screwed up. Dean pulled the tie off of his body and walked over to his room slowly, dropping it in the dirty clothes and grabbing some grubby pajamas and a towel. Dean threw himself in the shower, finding his body cold and shaky even beneath the steaming water. He squeezed out a glob of shampoo and began lathering his hair, half way through he paused, leaning against the wall and breathing out hard pressed breaths, attempting not to _\- fuck_. Dean puked again, the contents of his stomach mostly liquid in nature spilling down the front of his body. Awesome. Dean pulled the shower head off of the stand it sat in and began rinsing chunks off of his chest and stomach, squashing the remains down the drain. Another shudder rolled through him as he finished up with his hair and body, exiting the steamy shower into the frigid air in his home. He quickly toweled off and threw his pajamas on, burying himself in old thinning blankets haphazardly strewn across the couch.

“hey sammy how is he?” Dean texted, curiosity getting the better of him,

“Not good, Dean.” A response came a few minutes later,

“needn xtra hand?”

“No, but the company would be nice, Cas keeps falling asleep.”

“K b ther in a few.” Dean stood, still shaky, and man still nauseus, he toed on his slippers and headed outside. Locking the door securely behind him, he began walking towards Castiel's house, in old pajamas, and slippers that were falling apart, still covered ratty blanket from the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as usual, tell me what you think, like? Don't like? What would you like to see next? Tell me ^-^
> 
> Thank you all for the comments and kudos I really enjoy the feedback.
> 
> \- Alex ^-^


	15. Vomit and Glitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems I had a very productive day - enjoy!

“Castiel, just so you know Dean is coming over.” Sam said quietly, dropping a cool washcloth onto Cas’ forehead, Cas frowned,

“Why?”

“To keep me company while you sleep.”

“Samb you dond't have to stay here-”

“Hey, yes I do.” Sam cut him off, “I promise he won't be a problem.” Sam pushed up his sleeves as he messed with the washcloth, making sure it was sitting just so, trying not to wet his already fraying hems. Cas’ eyes widened as he looked at Sam's thin arms.

“Samb, what are those?” He asked gently, pointing to the two large scars running down either arm, over the top of faint smaller vertical ones coating his wrists.

“You know exactly what these are, Cas.”

“Why?”

“Why do you?” Cas looked away, saying nothing, “for me, it was this, this all consuming, I dunno, guilt I guess? So, do you know about my mom, and the fire?” Castiel nodded, “so she died in that fire, when Dean was four and I was an infant. Well Dean, Dean was a wreck for a long time after that. Dean, he, he was almost out, when he ran back in to save me, I was in my nursery, with, with Mom” his voice hitched, “and Dean, well he got me out of my crib, it was metal, it was hot,and he burnt himself pretty bad trying to get me out, but because it was metal it wasn't on fire like the rest of the room, like Mom.” Sam looked down, clenching his fists, “so he managed to pull me out of the crib, I have a few minor burns on my sides, his torso is covered in crisscrossing burn marks from the crib, but that's not even the most of it. Like I said, mom was in the room, and she was trapped, she, she fell asleep on this, this seat thing, and it went up so fast, and because it was on fire she was on fire and Dean, god he tried to save her, he really did, he had me in his arms, he was pulling on her hand, and she was burning alive, she just kept screaming at him to go, and he was sobbing, and scared but he had to get me outside. The smoke, the smoke was so thick his lungs were so full, he got me outside and collapsed. The paramedics took Dean and me to the hospital, dad had been sleeping on the couch that night, he couldn't get upstairs it to the nursery the stairwell was engulfed, so he was relatively unharmed. Dean though, he was mute for a few years after the incident, and he’d, he'd get these nightmares, these awful awful nightmares, he'd wake up screaming and sweating and begging for Mom and she wasn't ever there. He went to counseling, and he got a lot better, but Dad, dad was a mess too. The investigation reopened a few years after everything happened because new evidence came to light suggesting arson, so, so he decided that was a perfect time to start drowning his sorrows in alcoholism. The thing is, if I hadn't been in that nursery, Dean wouldn't have gotten burns dragging me out, he wouldn't have seen mom die, hell if I didn't exist she wouldn't have been in the nursery. We moved to a bigger house to accommodate a new baby so maybe there wouldn't have even been a fire in the first place if it weren't for me. The details were always a secret from me, but one day I, I found the case file and went to town on it, and that's when things spiraled. It's when I started this” he displayed his arms to Castiel, “I, I was so young but I started with pills, too… Just to numb at first… But then I decided that” he paused, letting out a shaky breath, “I decided that the world would be better without me in it, because of all the damage that I essentially caused. And so I tried to take my life. I overdosed on some prescription sleeping pills they had Dean on - f-for the nightmares - and I cut my arms open and locked myself in the bathroom. Dean found me, of course he did, on the floor. And he took me up in his arms and called 911.  I don't know how - we aren't insured - but he managed to get me into some counseling. He even came with a couple times. And now I'm a few years clean from all this.” He gestures, “and it's hard” his voice cracked, “but God, if not for me, I have to do this for Dean. On my low days, I use that to keep fighting. He was wrecked after he found me.” Sam has slipped quietly into tears, he felt a shift underneath him as Cas' came up and engulfed him in a very warm hug.

“Samb, it wasnd't your fault.” Cas rasped out after a few moments of dripping silence.

“I know that now.” He said, with a sad smile, “I'm just, I'm so sorry that it took Dean going through more trauma for me to, for me to get it.”

“That's why he asked mbe to stop.” Cas said sadly, Sam nodded. Cas pulled jerkishly away from Sam's arms and leaned as far away as possible and began hacking so hard a smoker would be in awe. He couldn't breathe, and beyond the fever his entire body was shaking,

“Hey, hey, easy, easy.” Sam tried to soothe Castiel, whose breaths were becoming more and more ragged, more and more taxed. Sam quickly rewrapped Castiel in the blanket nest on the couch and worked to calm him down enough so he could breathe again. Getting Castiel laid back down his breathing evened and eventually slowed back down, Sam relaxed in relief, finally letting out the held breathe he had captured moments ago.

“Better?” Sam asked carefully, Castiel nodded. “Good.” Sam stood, wiping his face off and grabbing the NyQuil, “no more of that, okay?” He said worriedly, Cas snorted, not risking talking and triggering it all over again. Sam dosed out the proper amount of liquid death and handed the small cup to Castiel, who grimaced and sat up, taking down the viscous liquid. “Okay now lay back down.” Cas obliged, As Cas laid back down a knock on the door pulled Sam away from his mother Henning,

“Dean..?” he said, opening the door.

His shivering brother entered the room in a grey wife beater with a grease and mustard stain on the front, some sweatpants with minor holes and fraying hem at the feet, and a blanket with thin spots and patches wearing through in multiple places. His neck, shoulders and arms were covered in hickies and it seemed there was glitter stuck to his neck. Dean entered the room, he meant to make it to the bathroom, he really did, but instead of that collapsed as his knees buckled, his body fell, and with only his arms holding him off the floor he began retching on the hardwood, on his arms.

“Whoa whoa hey what's what happened?” Sam asked,

“Don't” he paused to puke up more of his stomach, which was mostly stomach acid at this point, “don't do drugs, Sammy.” He coughed, standing wobbly,

“Okay, you, bed, now, I'll clean this up.” Sam said, concern and frustration filling his voice.

“I'm so sorry” he began to stammer out but Sam shot him through the heart with his signature bitch face and Dean slunk upstairs, not looking at Castiel who seemed to be in shock.

“Dean, where are you going?” Sam yelled out

“You said bed, I'm going?” he said, half way up the stairs,

“Come back down here you idiot I can't watch you both if you're up there and he's down here pull on your big boy panties and get on the couch.” Dean slunk back down the stairs, sitting down on the couch across from his sickly ex.


	16. Momma Novak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when this became / let's see how much Alex can write before burning out/ but apparently it's a lot since I'm not in college anymore - and it only took a few years to get back into it! Go figure!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the like, tenth chapter I've pumped out today lol.
> 
> Not that they haven't been like, thought out and edited and whatnot. Because they have.
> 
>  
> 
> Aaaaanyways as usual thanks for reading, thanks for the kudos and the comments, I appreciate all of it so much.
> 
> \- Alex ^-^

Dean slunk onto the couch, keeping his ragged blanket wrapped tightly around his body as a safety net, hiding some but not all of the love bites adorning his various body parts from Castiel's view. Castiel was on the opposite end staring at Dean.

“You look terrible.” Dean broke the silence,

“You're onde to talk.” Castiel rasped, coughing heavily into the crook of his elbow, Dean's eyes widened marginally,

“You sound terrible,”

“I see you had fud at the party.” Castiel wheezed, changing the subject. Dean looked down, blushing badly with the shame of scrutiny, his bad life choices usually went under the radar. Cas grabbed a few tissues, holding them in front of his face, “glad you _hih_ got to _hiiih_ e-edjoy your _he-hitcxshuuu”_ he paused, blowing his nose, “yourself.”

“Well, seeing as you dumped me, it's none of your business.”

“Deand…” Cas sighed, sitting up slightly as if to get closer but he was stopped by another ragged coughing fit,

“Hey, hey, whoa lay back down.” Dean sat up, moving as if to push Castiel back down but the movement was too quick, another wave of nausea ran through his body - Dean laid back down.

“You two I swear.” Sam grumbled, finally finished cleaning Castiel's floor, “you, apologize to Castiel for trying to force him into something with unfair ultimatums.” Sam said, glaring at Dean,

“I'm sorry Cas, I shouldn't have done that.”

“And you, apologize to Dean for yelling at him when he was just trying to help you.” The glare turned to Cas,

“I'mb sorry, Deand.” More harsh coughing followed.

“Now you, no more taking or I _will_ tape your mouth shut.” He said, Cas nodded silently. “You, don't provoke him.”

“Yessir, Sammy, sir.” Dean grumbled,

“Good, if you idiots need me - don't - I'm gonna go shower.” He said, walking up the stairs.

“Just us now.” Cas nodded, “I'm sorry, about the party and the hickies, and, and the ecstasy…” Cas just watched him silently, “I was hurt and there was a hole I wanted to fill and, well, the only thing that'll actually fit there is...you...” Dean said sadly, looking away as another shiver rolled through him - ecstasy; not as fun as you'd think, fun experience sure, 0/10 not worth the withdrawals. Cas coughed again, his breath rattling in his chest, otherwise silent.

“You, you could text me.” Dean said sheepishly, one sided conversation was, not the most fun. Cas nodded, grabbing out his phone.

“Nice glitter.” Dean laughed,

“Thanks, I uh, didn't realize I missed it in the shower. Was too busy blowing chunks…”

“So, I see you had a lot of fun, at the party..?”

“Yeah, yeah I uh, I did, but like I said, it I just wanted you back, and, and knew I couldn't have _you_ per se so I, had everyone...else….on the planet” He trailed off in shame, rubbing his face with his palm.

“What if you could?”

“What if I could?”

“Have me?”

“You made it very clear that I can't, Castiel.”

“What if I changed my mind?”

“Well, if you did, change your mind that is, I would uh, I'd ask what you uh suggest we do?” A small smile graced Cas’ pale chapping lips,

“Well,” Cas paused typing, working to phrase  this in a way that would come across well, “I can't promise to stop, not right now, I'm sorry, but I can promise to fight it. And to try to be better.” When the text came through on Dean's end, he smiled like a kid on Christmas,

“I would like that, Cas,” he said, rubbing his neck nervously but grinning from ear to ear,

“One thing though, did you have intercourse at the party?” Dean almost laughed out loud,

“Uh, no Cas, I blacked out from the pills and got dropped off; shirtless, on my front lawn.” Cas scowled, another sneeze escaping him.

“Bless you.” Dean said softly, “so, boyfriends again?” Castiel nodded. Dean smiled, slowly making his way over to Castiel's side of the couch, carefully so as not to trigger another vomit fest, and when he made it he curved his  around Castiel's, gently cuddling up to him,

“You're burning up.” Dean whispered quietly,

“103.2° fever.” Cas croaked, “last Samb checked.”

“If I'da known you'd get this sick, I never would've kissed you.” Dean said sadly, Cas just glared at him, shaking his head 'no’ slightly. “Oh really, this seriously worth one Dean Winchester kiss?” Dean asked, a smirk crossing his face, Cas’ eyebrows raised and a matching smirk met his features. Cas leaned into Dean, kissing his cheek, his wet nose rubbing gently against Dean's slight stubble. Cas scrunched his face, trying to stop the tickle it caused. Successful, Castiel relaxed, falling into Dean's open arms. Dean pulled him in closer, gently rubbing his back. The exhausted pair drifted back into the crescendo of sleep.

 

**

 

Upstairs, Sam grabbed a towel and began drying his shaggy hair, running his fingers through it delicately trying to act as a comb. Good enough. Sam found his way downstairs and saw the two boys cuddled up with one another on the couch, he smiled, looking at the boys who both seemed to be shivering and walked over to them, carefully fixing the blankets to cover them both.

“Idiots.” He mumbled, “no, no wait, wait, idjits.” Sam snorted, uncle Bobby would be proud. As Sam was applauding himself internally a small chime began playing on Castiel's phone, Sam grabbed it quickly, hurrying over to the office and shutting the door, he turned on the light and read the screen - MaryAnne Novak, Sam sighed and answered the phone,

“Novak residence, Sam Winchester speaking.” He chirped,

“Uh, hello, Sam, I was calling to speak to my son, Castiel, why do you have his phone, exactly?” She asked, confusion but not unease spiking her chirpy soprano voice.

“Cas wasn't feeling very well, he's asleep, I'm just here looking out for him.” Sam said honestly,

“Oh, oh good, well not good but - how is he doing?” She asked gently, “he said he wasn't feeling well last time I called,”

“Well, he's got a bit of a fever but I've got him resting.” Sam responded, equal kindness in his tone,

“Good, good, when he wakes can you have him call?”

“His voice has been in and out but I'll let him know, if he can talk I'll have him call, is that okay?” He asked shyly,

“Of course Sam,” the voice warmed, “I'll let you go, thanks for looking out for Cassie.”

“You're welcome Mrs. Novak,”

“MaryAnne, or mom, Mrs. Novak sounds like a little old lady, and I may be one but I sure as heck don't want to sound like one. Well, anyways, goodbye Sam, thank you again!” She hung up,

“Goodbye, ...mom.” he whispered, tingles ran through his body, even though it wasn't _really_ true to form, he had never gotten to say that phrase before.


	17. Sweet MaryAnne (Bah Bah Bah)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the title on my Google doc is still Depressed Cas High School AU
> 
> 61 Kudos  
> 7 bookmarks  
> Oodles of comments  
> Thank you all so much for the love, I appreciate it immensely.
> 
> As always, tell me what you like, don't like, want to see next in the comment below and I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon 
> 
> \- Alex ^-^

Sam stood in the freshly cleaned kitchen, he had finished organizing and tidying last night after the two boys fell asleep, and now he knew where everything was to cook breakfast. He started with some potato, cutting it up into small cubes and throwing them in the pan with some garlic and onion in olive oil, Cas’ pantry had admittedly been a little scary, and his fridge no better, but the fresh root veggies withstood it all, the flies, the sketchy outcropping of mold, the rust that coated cans that expired in 2007… somehow they made it and Sam was very grateful. Next he added in some cumin, paprika, salt, pepper, and chile powder, stirring until the potatoes had almost cooked through and the onions had sweetened, finally he added a couple eggs on top, letting them scramble into the mixture and cook. Simple but delicious, and man was Sam hungry, looking after Cas and Dean has been a bit stressful. Scooping a third of his concoction into a bowl he sat himself quietly down at the dining room table, he fiddled with his phone, eating his breakfast in semi-silence.

 

“Sam?” Castiel croaked, peering over the couch, his voice was still rough but he was starting to sound like his usual gravely self again, Sam smiled

“Hey, want some grub?” He asked, “I call it...Sam's egg and potato and garlic surprise - the surprise is onions.” he said with a grin, wagging his eyebrows suggestively

“That sounds terrible.”

“Yeah well, tell that to your pantry. Besides, onions and garlic are great for the immune system.” Sam said happily, “I learned that in a book I was reading about naturopathic medicine. I was thinking about maybe going into medicine, or maybe law, I'm not sure yet. Maybe medical law?”  Sam paused his rambling, “oh, and your mom called, she requested you call her today if you're feeling up to it.”

“Oh, I should get on that.” He said quietly, Sam pointed to where he left Cas’ phone the night before, he picked it up and dialed MaryAnn. After a few rings the phone was answered, Sam returned to his breakfast, attempting not to eavesdrop, and failing miserably.

“Mom, I uh, I heard you called” Cas stammers out, a short coughing fit taking over his lungs,

“A little better.” Castiel replied to a question Sam couldn't hear,

“Negligible, it, it wasn't even bad, didn't even reach a hundred, nothing worth worrying over.” Cas paused again, doing his best to stifle a sneeze and nodding along to whatever was being said on the other line,

“No that wasn't anything...must've been a weird noise coming through the line. And I - I promise, I promise, if it gets over a hundred I'll call.” Cas seemed to be trying to placate her, Sam squinted,

“No, I promise I'm okay, I have Sam and Dean here with me.”

“What? Mom?! No Sam is _just a friend okay_.” His voice quieted immensely, he paused to cough again. Sam winced, he sounded better, sure, but still not great. Sam walked up to Castiel and placed his hand on Cas’ forehead,

“Not over a hundred my ass.” He grumbled, something about lying to his _mom_ struck Sam the wrong way, like a plucked minor chord disrupting a beautiful Melody - he really had a distaste for it. As Sam removed his hand Dean began to stir,

“ _Mom_ , Dean is waking up, I have to go, what _no_ **_mom can we discuss this at a later time please?_ ** _Thank you.”_ He hissed out, Sam just laughed. Castiel hung up the phone.

“Castiel did you just lie to your mother?” He asked, still jovial from the last remark,

“I'm sorry to hurt your feelings Sam, but we are only friends, I see you as nothing more. I understand that you are now heartbroken and may need reparative therapies.” Castiel deflected,

“Hah. Smartass. You've been running a fever of at least 102 for the last two days,”

“That aren't exactly nearby Sam, I just do my best not to worry them.” a small sneeze escaped him and Sam all but forced him back down to the couch.

“So, LSDean, how ya feeling today?”

“I'm fine Sammy.” he said sheepishly,

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. Sam.”

“You know, I would say you're downright sparkling with joy.” Sam laughs maniacally at his own wonderful sense of humor, “since you're feeling better I assume you can take over here while I go grab some things from the house?” Sam asked, still smirking at his brother,

“Yeah, Sammy, I got Cas, go. Text me when you get home and when you leave to come back.”

“Will do.” Sam smiled, with that he cleaned up his dishes, pulled on his worn sneakers, and headed promptly out the door.

“I guess it's just you and me now eh Cas?” Dean said a bit awkwardly,

“Is that a bad thing?” Castiel's voice was beginning to fade again,

“Wha-no, no no no. Of course it isn't.”

“Good.” He quietly croaked out, Dean walked over to Cas and gently laid his hand on Cas’ forehead,

“Man, you're still burning up, how?” Dean asked worriedly,

“It's nothing, Dean, don't worry about it. I'm getting better that's what matters.”

“What I wanna know is how the hell you got this sick in the first place.” He grumbled, the question was rhetorical but the long sigh and look on Cas’ face told him that he was missing a piece of the puzzle, and that Cas knew full well whatever was going on. Dean just stared at him, and Castiel eventually caved,

“Fine. Dean, do you know what Castiel, or er well, who Castiel, or I guess I should say Cassiel is?” Dean shook his head no in response, Cas continued, “he's an Angel. My parents, they were going to name me James, James Vincent Novak. I was due on March 31st, and instead I was born on Thursday, January 24th. The doctors weren't sure I would survive, I was a preemie after all, this tiny little thing you wouldn't believe the pictures, so my mom decided that she would name me after the Angel of Thursday instead, always said he must've been looking down on me - as if it had any bearing on my survival and nothing to do with the hardworking NICU staff.” Cas paused, coughing a little before returning to the story, “sorry, anyways, my uh, my immune system isn't that great because of it. I get sick a lot, lot of chest colds mostly...” He trailed of, an apologetic blush coloring his pale face.

“And you _let me kiss you_?” Dean asked, almost angrily, mostly frustrated,

“Well, yeah.” Castiel blushed, “my tragic backstory™ doesn't get to keep me from my life. It just doesn't. Especially not kissing hot guys, even if they do have colds.”

“Castielllll” Dean grumbled,

“It's not exactly something I'm proud of, okay? When I think of a boyfriend I think of strong and handsome and caretaker, not, not sickly, pathetic little thing.” he spat, as if disgusted with himself,

“Castiel, you are none of those things.” Castiel started coughing again, almost as if his lungs were determined to prove Dean wrong. “And you are handsome, and you are so strong, and you _did_ take care of me when I was sick, you have _everything_ to be proud of.”

“I'm sorry. I should've told you.”

“Hey, it's your business alright? I just want you better.” He said, pulling his forehead against Castiel's, staring into his big blue eyes. Realization dawned on Dean, _this_ is why gis mom was so hung up on the numbers of the fever, why she kept calling, Cas was predisposed to this, “does it normally get bad fast?” Dean asked gently, Castiel nodded, “come here.” He pulled Cas in for a hug, cradling his coughing boyfriend In his muscular arms when his phone began to vibrate. He grabbed it out and looked at the text from Sam,

“Dean, dad's home early.” his eyes widened and “fuck!” was the only word coming out of his mouth.

  



	18. ur still sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for all the love this has received,
> 
> Please kudos, comment, bookmark- helps me know you don't hate it lol
> 
> We're almost at 1,000 reads which is incredible,
> 
> Thank you for investing your time in my words, it means the freaking world.
> 
> Love always, Alex ^-^

“Cas, I have to go, Sammy could be in trouble.” Dean whispered shakily, pulling himself off the couch,

“You're not alright.” Cas whispered, running his fingers along Dean's jaw,

“I'll be fine, okay? You take it easy, fluids. Rest. I… I don't know when I can come back.” Dean said sadly,

“Okay.” Cas responded, a fierceness befell his eyes though his expression was otherwise unreadable. Dean slunk down and left a quick kiss on Cas’ nose, his lips, his chin, pulled him in for one last hug, “if you get worse you call me - your mom too.” He left the final message with Castiel and with that he left.

 

Castiel physically recovered, over the course of a few more days his fever broke, his respiratory issues calmed, by the end of the week he was feeling almost as good as new, and that was okay, the part that wasn't okay was the fact that he hadn't heard from his boyfriend in that time and was very concerned and very sad.

Focusing on the trouble at hand kept Castiel's mind buoyed up, tethered to the surface of the water, occasionally bobbing but never sinking, until of course the buoy was destroyed.

 

“So, tell me what you've come up with.” Cas asked, slightly unfocused with his notes strewn in front of him,

“Well, this here is Azer, the mime of darkness” Benny said with a jovial smile,

“You're hilarious. Quit with the bad jokes. Who is that really?” Cas deadpanned,

“It's Clay, name meaning” he paused, looking to his scribbled notes, “Mortal; one who is subjected to death any moment of his life.” He read off the page, looking back up at Castiel who was watching intently. Cas cleared his throat and Benny continued, “so Clay, he's wiry and thinly framed, hazel eyes, he works as a fish merchant and loves the sea, he has two young kids, two and three respectively, he's devout, tries to do well by them, but they're poor. He loves the book Of Ineffable Glory, and is unintentionally flaky but really he does his best and has a heart of gold - here's the character sheet I was filling out about him.” Benny said, handing Castiel a scribbled on page of notes and ideas.

“That's really great.” Cas responded, looking down at the page but obviously distracted,

“Cas, what's wrong?” Benny asked softly,

“I, so you know I told you when Dean and I got back together, right?” Benny nodded in response, Cas continued, “well he was over here, and, and taking care of me with that bad cold I had-”

“Have.” Benny grumbled,

“It's pretty much gone” Cas snapped, “besides I did the math I'm not contagious to you.” Cas scowled, “ _Anyways_ , he was helping out _when_ I was sick because I'm _fine now_ , and then his dad came home early from whatever he was off doing, and the look on Dean's face when he found out.” Cas sighed, closing his eyes and furrowing his brow, “it was like all the light had drained out of the world in an instant.” Cas bit his lip, “and I haven't heard a word from either Winchester since.” Benny's face fell,

“When was this?”

“A few days ago? Last week? I can't quite - I'm a bit fuzzy in a time frame the fever was really messing with my head.”

“Cas,” Benny said gently, grabbing his hand, and using the other to pull out his phone, he unlocked it and opened his text message screen - sure enough there were texts from Dean as recent as yesterday.

“Oh.” His face fell further,

“Hey, I'm sure he has his reasons.” Benny said, watching Castiel trying to hold himself together, as if piece by piece the duct tape holding him together was being ripped off. “Hey, come here.” Benny pulled Cas into a friendly hug as he choked back a sob. “Sh, Cas, sh” Benny ran his hands through Cas’ hair as he seemed into Benny's shoulder, “Winchester's a good guy, I'm sure he's got his reasons.” He said gently, trying to help. Cas backed up from Benny, his eyes had been burnt by the salty tears that were now staining his cheeks,

“I'm sure he doesn't, have you been on Twitter lately?” Cas asked darkly

“Don't have one.” Benny replied simply, Cas' hands were shaking as he pulled out this phone, he opened Twitter and went to his mentions. Sighing, he handed Benny the phone,

 

Cr0wley_King: @Castyelling your ex boi toi is an excellent kisser #Babechester

Alasta1rzz: @Castyelling @cr0wley_King Cassie wouldn't know #SucksNotToSuck #VirginAirlines

Abaddont: @Crowley_King @Castyelling Dontcha wish your boyfriend was still your boyfriend #PussyCatDollsReimagined

LuciFreakkk: @Abbadont @Crowley_King @Castyelling pretty sure that “relationship” was just one of Castiel's fever dreams #FeverDean #DiseaseStiel

MyCoolisKetching: @Cr0wley_King @Castyelling Who _didn't_ he try to tap at that party #HeWasGrindingOnMe #GTFODeanImStraight

MagicBitchIan: @Castyelling @Cr0wley_King he's excellent at a lot of things, apparently #PourYourSugarOnMe #Babechester #CallMe

 

Cas’ eyes were on the floor in front of him, a fist balled up on front of his mouth as he cleared his throat when Benny looked up to meet his gaze,

“Didn't you know about the party going in, Cas?” He asked gently, Cas nodded slowly,

“I knew,” he dropped his fist, “but, when I agreed again I didn't think he was going to just disappear and I was going to be left with, with this.” He gestured angrily to the phone.

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No.” Cas said sadly, trying once again just a little 'hey’, that would continue to go unanswered. Benny looked on at Castiel sadly,

“Since you're feelin’ better, we could skip working on this, go do something? I could call Char-”

“No, Benny.” Cas interrupted, “that won't be necessary. Let's just get this going, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So tell me more about Clay…” and Benny did.

“So here's what I'm thinking,” Cas said quietly, “obviously we already agreed on a Lovecraftian vibe, but I really want us to write it in the style of poetry telling stories - almost like _The Raven_ but longer, I guess, I think it could be a really cool way to convey the vibe.”

“I like it, how do we co-write that? I don't poetry well.”

“Well, I was thinking you and I work together to create the plot, from there you draw up a very detailed outline and I will turn that outline into poetry.”

“That sounds fair.” Benny said with a smile, “now that we've got a handle on this I'm taking you to go get burgers.” Castiel looked as though he was about to protest when Benny cut back in, “no butts, have you even left the house this week? Like you said you're not contagious anymore - let's go out.” He said with a warm smile,

“Okay Benny.” He sheepishly gave in, “let me just go put on real pants.” He said, pointing down to his plaid pajamas.

“I'll be right here.” He called up as Cas walked up the stairs.

 

His body was looking better, to say the least, only a few spots of faint yellow along his side would clue you in to the fact he had been hit by a car only a few weeks prior, the scrapes and majority of the bruising had healed. His skin had returned to its regular healthy pale, as opposed to the pallid, sweaty, translucent look it had taken on, Castiel's thighs however were another matter. A smattering of fresh lines where metal seduced the skin were in various stages of healing, he had made Dean a promise, sure, one he intended to keep, but since Dean didn't seem interested in keeping Castiel that fell apart on day three of silence.

Dean. Castiel sighed, he was stupid for thinking someone like Dean would ever care about someone like him, some weak, pathetic, waif of a person. Castiel grabbed his razor blade from beneath his pillow, quickly adding five more lines to the growing collection and stuffed himself into a pair of jeans. They weren't deep, the bleeding wouldn't be noticeable, thankfully.

“Alright there, partner, let's go.” Benny said with a smile, Cas responded with a weak smile,

“Okay.”

 

The diner was a 1950's themed place, decked in teal and fuchsia neon, black and white checkered floor and teal and white striped seat cushions lined the booths. Small cylindrical black and white salt and pepper shakers and laminated menus with ridiculous fonts decked every table. A large jukebox stood at the end of the room, _I Can't Help Falling In Love With You_ by Elvis Presley was wafting through the rafters, weaving its way around dimmed lights and the few patrons in the building. Cas and Benny were ushered to their seats by a kind looking woman In a yellow dress, she looked cold.

“What do you think you'll be having, brother?” Benny asked happily, eyeing a milkshake on the front page of the menu,

“Probably just water.” He said, he wasn't hungry - his stomach was full of sadness and that replaced the need for sustenance well enough.

“No, no way. Here, I'll order for you, you order for me, it'll be fun.” He said, “any allergies I should know about?”

“Unless there's bee stingers cooked into these burgers you have nothing to worry about.” Cas said, “you?”

“Nope, have at it.” Benny grinned. When the waitress returned Benny started with his order,

“My friend Cas here will have the Piña colada. Milkshake in large, and the Westside burger, well done, with a side of tartar sauce.” Benny gleamed, Cas’ jaw fell open, that burger was two patties, buried in fried onion straws, with pickles, onions, jalepeños, cheese, cheese curds, and lettuce, buried in a sweet Sriracha sauce, it was so much food. Too much food.

“Okay,” Cas said, regaining his composure, “Benny will be having the Bacon Maple Milkshake, also large, and the Ache-in Bacon Mighty Kids Meal, with the apple chunks instead of the fries and can you make sure to bring out the coloring page and crayons?”

“Of course, anything else boys?” The two shook their heads no, keeping their serious expressions for all of two seconds, the moment the waitress left the boys were lost to howling laughter. One of the other patrons walked over to the Jukebox and interested quarters, _Blue Christmas_ began to fill the airspace in the dinner.

“Cas, I'm gonna starve!” Benny cried out, almost in tears from laughing so hard,

“I'm going to have to buy a whole new wardrobe after I eat this monstrosity of a burger!” Cas said In response, his eyes were huge and bright. Mid laugh Benny stiffened, his expression grew strained, he quickly brushed it away but it was too late, Cas noticed and turned around.

Clad in leather and jeans in walked Dean Winchester, by his side a thin blonde who was laughing happily and dragging him by the arm. The sadness quickly returned to Castiel's eyes, he laid his arms along the table and dropped his head onto them. The waitress returned with the coloring equipment and sensing awkwardness, left quickly.

“Cas, buddy, come on, perk up.” Benny said gently, Cas sighed, sitting back up, his eyes were red, the salt of melancholy irritating them. Dean hadn't noticed them, the girl however did seem to be eyeing the collapsing boy strangely, he did probably look ridiculous.

“Well,” Cas said quietly, his throat had gone dry, “that's that then.” He looked down into his lap, “is not like we were even together long, I'll be fine.”

“Castiel, it's okay.” The topic shifted from Dean, who never noticed them, to Benny's life, his older brother Gabriel who was away at college and would be coming back this week for Christmas, about his younger sister Patricia who was afraid of spiders and liked to play princess skateboard champion. He talked about his parents and their divorce a few years back and just provided a distraction for Castiel, who would nod along, occasionally inserting an affirming noise or a quiet cough. When their food came the table found its way into silence.

Castiel watched Dean, who was animatedly telling the girl some story, his face was alight with excitement and his hands flew. They finished up their food, Benny finishing off Castiel's meal when his kid's meal had been eaten. The two paid and were on their way out the door, they were walking towards the exit and relief had began to flood Castiel, that was until he sneezed loudly, and ruined everything. Wiping off his nose his eyes were saucer wide, he saw Dean staring at him and immediately ran out the door, putting as much distance as humanly possible between the two of them. His phone vibrated, he pulled it out quickly and opened the text,

“ur still sick” it was nothing less, it was nothing more.


	19. I'll Have a Blue Christmas...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the reading everyone,
> 
> Whether you've spent two minutes with me or two hours,
> 
> Thank you for your continued support.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter, good luck!

Silence continued to be Castiel's solace for two more days, two more pathetic days of moping and lounging about. Thirty seven degrees outside and Castiel was hanging out on his front porch, a thin fleece blanket wrapped haphazardly around himself, it was Christmas morning and for the third year in a row, he was alone. He wasn't crying - the allergies he didn't have were acting up. Outside the blanket his hands shook, a paper pad on his lap and a pencil in hand were vibrating delicately.

 

Alone and broken,

Just hopeless - I fell apart again,

And now I'm all alone,

The Angels flew from my throne,

A kingdom thrust upon the damned,

Shrapnel sent on my command,

To take the king from the crown,

Anarchy descends all around,

 

Castiel paused, looking up at the street in front of him, it was dumping snow. His socked feet were curled up, he pulled the thin blanket tighter. His teeth chattered as he returned to his work. The cold was numbing, and Cas wanted to be numbed. He drew a line under the unfinished poem, moving on. He started just writing little phrases, trying to get words onto a page, to get something out of his numbed skull and damages soul,

 

Fuck my life

Everything is pain

Metal is freeing

Blades are a dream

The cadence is numbing

And starving is control

Hopelessly dulling

Time kills us all

 

He drew a bunch of scribbled flowers around the words, using the positive imagery and cursive scribbles to disguise the message. His teeth chattered and his breaths were hisses in the cold, but he didn't care. So what if he was cold? His body could handle it, Castiel was in control here, he was calling the shots. His form was trembling but he didn't care, he ripped the current page out of his book, angrily crumpling and tossing it into the yard with an angry guttural yell.

“Merry fucking Christmas!” He screamed to the empty block, curling up into himself, Cas crushed his palm onto his face, groaning, the anger ebbed back as the depression came back in for full tide. The cold helped cool his temper, the numbing of his body and the numbing of his mind fit together nicely. How long has he been out here now? He wasn't sure. He still didn't care. He went back to his pad, just drawing scribbles. After a while Cas paused his doodles, dropping his head into his hands as a dizzy spell took him over. More tears fell down Cas’ cheeks as he began singing _Blue Christmas_ quietly to himself.

“ _I'll have a blue, Christmas, without you, I'll be so blue, thinking, about you, decorations of red on a green Christmas tree, won't be the same dear, cause fucking no one is here with me, and when those blue teardrops start falling, it's when those blue heartaches start.. daa daaa, da da daa, da da daaa, da da daaa da daaa-and I'll have a blue, blue Christmas.”_ Castiel continued humming his rendition of Blue Christmas was followed by _So This is Christmas_ and _Last Christmas_ , he was in the middle of _Last Christmas_ when his phone rang.

“Hey Mom, merry Christmas” Cas said, with silent tears rolling down his cheeks,

“Merry Christmas Cassie!” She cried happily, “your have some gifts coming in the mail soon,” she chirped,

“That's great mom, thank you.” he said, injecting synthetic happiness into his voice, trying not to scare her,

“Did you decorate the house? Get a tree this year?”

“Yeah, I did Mom, it looks nice in here, I did a cowboy theme, pulled out our Western ornament set, topped the tree with a hat.”

“That sounds really beautiful, sweetie. They don't celebrate here but your dad and I are thinking of you, and of our family. We're so thankful for you, that you're a strong young man, that you are so smart, and compassionate, and loving, and we're so happy to have you as our son.”

“Thank you Mom, I love you too,”

He paused,”hey Mom, it sounds like someone's knocking at the door, probably my friend Sam… so I have to go. But I love you - don't ever forget. You're the best mom I could have ever asked for, I love you so much.”

“I love you too sweetie, tell Sam hi for me.”

“I will mom, goodbye.” Click. Not. He just didn't want to talk anymore. He was too tired. The gentle tremble that was running through his body had gone from a gentle kitten's sleepy pur to a Ford Mustang's thundering growl, that said he didn't feel so cold anymore. Mostly just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of caring, tired of living. So tired of living. Cas stood, he didn't have shoes on, but that didn't matter. He started walking down the sidewalk, did he lock the house? Eh it didn't matter. He stumbled down the road, one socked foot after the other in the icy snow, the blanket whipping around behind him. His eyes felt like they had sunk into his head, and he could feel the wind licking his limbs from underneath his thin pajamas.

Watching windows he saw smiling children opening gifts, and happy parents with cameras and phones capturing moments in front of trees. Dazzling lights and hopeful smiles window after window sent stones pelting his broken soul. He could taste Christmas breakfast on his tongue, feel the heat coming off the Christmas lights and the excitement thrumming in the fingers of happy children ripping away at gifts wrapped with shiny colored paper and curling metallic bows.

Cas pulled his phone out of his pocket, placing some quiet music into the crisp empty air, _Be Still_ , by The Fray starting to play in the background of his walk. He felt okay now, not cold at all anymore. His feet felt thick, as if he'd submerged them in a clam chowder and began walking, his legs however were the lava in a boiling lava lamp, pliable and almost floating. His mind ebbed and flowed with the melody, Isaac Slade's voice pouring through his frostbitten ears.  Castiel began to sing along, he'd walked multiple city blocks at this point and found himself at a crossroads, he opted for the left fork, walking out of the major city streets, towards the Clay River, the one that wound its way around the town. It would still be a while before he reached it, he was just enjoying the scenery. The towering longwood trees coated in a thin layer of Christmas snow. More houses, more happiness, more longing, more violence in his shivers. He'd had a million fevers in his lifetime - somehow the shaking was worse here and now.

Castiel didn't care. He was tired, and nauseous, his legs were weak and his brain was fuzzy. He walked along, playing _Be Still_ on repeat two, three, four, five times, and by the sixth repetition he had made it to Clay's Bridge. Cas sat on the icy metal footbridge, no traffic passing on the main bridge ahead of him. Looking down at his fingers Castiel was confused, desperately clutched In his white hands were the pencil and the sketchbook, he didn't realize he brought them. He set them down momentarily to peel his wet socks off, folding them neatly into a pile by his side. He opened his notebook clumsily and began to write again, fighting the blocks that were his fingers,

Take the blade away from me

I am a freak I am afraid

That all the blood escaping me won't end the pain -

Cas paused, he didn't remember the lyrics, why couldn't he remember the lyrics he had this song memorized? He leaned into the metal bars that cut into his back, his blanket pulled snugly around his body, his eyes closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #SorryNotSorry
> 
> I'd say I hope you enjoyed but that's a total lie I hope you cried for the plight of Castiel.
> 
> Anyways thanks for the love, I'll post again real soon 🥰
> 
> Love, Alex ^-^


	20. Move Lafitte Gym, Spa, and Hypothermia Treatment Center

So angels please, hear my prayer  
Life is pain; life's not fair  
So angels please; please stay here  
Take the pain; take the fear - Inner Demons, Julia Brennan  


Benny stood on the wrap around porch, as his hand made connection with the front door to knock, and to his surprise the door opened. Peering in, the rooms were dark and hollow, and inside it was cold. Back outside the porch had been obviously abandoned, a crumpled up sheet of yellow and blue lined paper the only litter in the otherwise sterile yard. The ambiance of the situation screamed wrong, wrong, wrong, Benny felt goosebumps crawling up his arms. Benny walked into the yard and picked up the scrap of yellow paper,

 

Alone and broken,

Just hopeless - I fell apart again,

And now I'm all alone,

The Angels flew from my throne,

A kingdom thrust upon the damned,

Shrapnel sent on my command,

To take the king from the crown,

Anarchy descends all around,

Fuck my life

Everything is pain

Metal is freeing

Blades are a dream

The cadence is numbing

And starving is control

Hopelessly dulling

Time kills us all

 

He read it twice through, rubbing his neck, Novak was a damn poet, he knew that before but now, damn. He folded the page and put it in his pocket, his concern heightened at the desperate words, Benny sighed, he didn't want to do this, but he had to. He pulled out his phone and quickly dialed,

“Hey Benny, Merry Christmas.” Dean said,

“Hi Dean, have you seen Castiel?” He asked quietly, trying to keep his voice even and calm,

“I don't see how that's any of your-”

“DAMNIT Dean, have you seen him or not?”

“Not. What the fuck is up with you?”

“You're a fucking idiot, Winchester. I have to go.” Benny said,

“Wait, wait hold it why do you care.”

“Well someone has to, I brought Castiel a Christmas gift this morning he's been so down lately thought I'd cheer him up but he isn't here.”

“He probably just went to-

“Alone and broken, Just hopeless - I fell apart again, And now I'm all alone, The Angels flew from my throne, A kingdom thrust upon the damned, Shrapnel sent on my command, To take the king from the crown, Anarchy descends all around,”

“...What the hell is that?

“Your missing boyfriend wrote it. It was crumpled up on his lawn, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to try to go find him.” Benny said, a coldness in his demeanor.

“I'll be right there.” Dean said quietly,

“I'll believe that when I see it.” Benny hung up, looking for clues to try to figure out where the hell Castiel went. He didn't drive, he couldn't be that far, could he? As Benny was trying to puzzle together where Castiel went Dean came running into the yard, bundled up in ill fitting winter gear.

“Did you see those footprints?” He called out breathlessly, “they head down that way” he pointed down the road,

“Get in the car.” Benny said, pointing to his 1993 Ford Escort, Dean nodded and the two got into the car. Benny was watching the road and trying not to lose the footprint trail, they otherwise road in awkward silence.

“Why are you doing this to him?” Benny asked quietly, trying not to let the anger he felt saturate his voice, “you picked the most broken guy in school, and smashed him to pieces.”

“It's my dad,” Dean whispered, “he saw the hickies all over me, and when I explained that it was girls at a party he didn't buy it… He's always thought I was walking the line, I guess, well he's, he's not a fan.” Dean said, lifting his shirt and coat to reveal dark bruises mottling his ribs and stomach, “the thing is, he goes through our phones, he's no idiot, he once threatened Sam when he was talking to his friend Jared more than 'normal’, said he had to stop talking to Jared or he would take it upon himself to make _Jared_ stop. Sammy isn't even queer. I didn't want to put Castiel under a microscope, I didn't want to risk him.”

“You couldn't have just told him that?” Benny asked, Dean looked pained,

“I screwed up, I should've found a way to tell him.”

“Who was the girl?”

“My sister.” He whispered faintly,

“Your sister?”

“Apparently Sammy and I have two half siblings, JoAnna Beth Harvelle and Adam Allen Milligan, we met them the day Dad called me home from Cas’ place.” He whispered, the memory of the pained look on Castiel's face was haunting, “how was he feeling?” Dean asked sadly

“Honestly that sneeze you heard was the worst of it, he was mostly better when I saw him last, cough here and there sniffle sometimes, but, who knows this could mess that up,” Benny paused, frowning, his brows crumpled in, “I-I don't see the feet anymore.” Benny said quietly, the snowfall had begun dumping, hard, and his visual view was all but obliterated.

“Pull over.” Dean said, when Benny did he got out of the car, “I'll follow the footprints, you follow me.” He said, an air of leadership taking root in his voice. Benny nodded and began to follow Dean, who to his credit seemed to be going as quickly as he could. The two came on a fork, Dean veered sharply left, at this point he was sprinting, the footsteps were quickly vanishing under the blanket of fresh snow. They came upon Clay's Bridge and Dean was all but frantic, following the steps to the footbridge. Benny could see him from the car, hands wrapped around his lips, likely screaming for Castiel. Dean looked frantic, Benny got out of the car,

“The footprints end” Dean screamed, “where the fuck is he?” Benny didn't know, he looked up, scanning the area,

“Does that,” he paused, “does that snow drift over there look… Too big? To you?” He asked gently, Dean bolted for it, his hands plummeting into the snow. He brushed away the top layer to find Castiel, still as a rock, his eyes were closed, his skin tinted blue, Dean finished uncovering him and picked him up gently, and pulling him in close, a hiss came from Castiel,

“Nooo too warm” he said weakly, trying to pull away,

“Come on Cas it's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay.” He whispered, nuzzling Cas’ frigid body with his running nose. Running from cold sure, but also running from the tears dribbling down his cheeks. Benny was in his car cranking up the heat as Dean pulled Castiel into the car, he was all but immobile when Dean dropped him onto the back seat carefully, cradling his limp head with this calloused hands.

“What do we do?” Dean asked quietly his voice cracking into tiny pieces,

“Start stripping him. You need to heat him up - now.” Benny commanded, Dean listened as Benny dove off.

Move LaFitte gym wasn't a big place by any means, they couldn't afford lavish machines or large spaces, what they did have was greatly out shined by any run off the mill chain, but in spite of this the gym did well enough, small town values of family owned and operated essentially kept the place afloat.

Exiting the little Ford, Benny motioned for Dean to follow; Dean, who had Castiel gently cradled in his arms. Benny's hand shook gently as he opened the door, small machines and free weights dotted the like room, a water cooler sat bubbling at the corner with little paper cups nearby, they were closed today, after all it was Christmas.

“Come on” Benny said, pointing to a back room, quickly shutting the door behind them. Dean looked up from Cas’ face to view the room an instantly understood,

“Benny you genius, let's get him in.” Dean whispered, in front of them an old style wooden sauna.

“She takes a minute to heat up,” he said sheepishly, “we still have to warm him ourselves, just figured this would help.” The two boys quickly got the third into the sauna, Benny cranked the heat while Dean stripped himself and Cas further down, only boxers separating the two.  He would've cracked a joke about Benny intruding if he weren't so petrified by what could happen to Castiel. Dean hissed with every touch of Castiel's body to his but still fought to keep the two pressed together, even letting his ragged scars touch Castiel's clean skin.. The warmer the room and Castiel got the more violently he began to shiver,  he came out of a dead sleep and became a vibrating cell phone. Dean littered kisses along Castiel's body, doing his best to keep him in his warming embrace. A small cough and the fluttering eyes alerted Dean to Castiel waking,

“Cas?” He whispered, tears peaking their way back into Dean's eyelids,

“Dean? It's… It's s-so h-hot” his teeth contradicted as he spoke.

“I know, shh, it's okay.” Dean whispered, as Castiel became more cognizant of the moment and what things were at that moment his shivering form back away from Dean, eyeing him suspiciously,

“W-why are y-you he-her-re?” He asked, an angry bite hiding behind the weak conviction,

“Castiel I can explain all of it, I promise.” Dean whined, Castiel blinked. “Now come back here, you're gonna freeze.” He said with a sheepishly watery smile gracing his well bitten lips, and Castiel did, sinking his chattering body into Dean's warming arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading,
> 
> What did you like? What did you hate? What would you change? Where would you go next?
> 
> Let me know down below
> 
> As always thank you for the little acknowledgements, the kudos, bookmarks, comments, they mean a lot ❤️


	21. An Encounter in Noble Park

 

He was frozen, they got that under control, then he was feverish, they reigned that in too by the end of the night, and in the end all that left was depression. The trio had become a duo when Benny dropped them off at Castiel's home after they got Cas warm, he had obligations and Castiel was accounted for, Dean stayed with him until the end of the night, making sure you keep Benny posted on how Cas was doing.

“So, I have to go home now.” Dean whispered quietly, he had explained the situation through the day, and while Castiel was still greatly hurt by the silence at least he wasn't heartbroken anymore.

“Why?” Cas asked quietly,

“You seem okay, and dad won't be. Okay, I mean.” He whispered, Castiel had seen the bruises adorning his chest, coating the scars in purples and blues,

“What if I'm not okay.” Castiel whispered, Dean kissed Castiel's forehead gently,

“I think the fever is gone.” He said gently

_“Post hypothermic fever?? Is that seriously a thing??” Benny texted back,_

_“Well Google seems to think it is, as does Cas’ temp right now so I'm gonna go with yes.”_

“Not, not that.” Cas said dejectedly, “nevermind,” he whispered, “go.” Dean pulled Castiel into a tight hug, kissing his lips gently,

“I'll text you, I'll, I'll figure it out, I'll work around my dad but… seriously I can't talk much okay? For your sake.” He whispered, thinking of Jared and Sammy.

“Okay, Dean.” He whispered, I can't ask you to be my salvation anyways... “Stay safe.”

“You too.” Dean pulled on his coat and left the premises, Castiel was alone once again.

He was gonna be okay, he was, he was going to be okay. Or he wasn't. Castiel sighed, wrapping himself back up in the blankets on his couch, he didn't mean to, but he bumped his mug of tea off the coffee table and onto the floor where it immediately shattered, and as he watched his favorite mug fall to pieces, Castiel also fell to pieces. He'd held it together in the sauna, the ride home, the whole evening, as Dean pretended everything was okay Cas mirrored him, but now all he could do was desperately sob. His vision was blurring badly as he cleaned the cup. His breathing hitched, and he realized through the tears he was hyperventilating. He had to calm down, he was falling into a panic attack. He pushed his face down into a pillow - he was still sobbing but the forced CO2 would slow his respiration - he would be forced to calm down. Slowly but surely it worked, he was still in tears, his body was trembling again, but at least he could sort of breathe in a semi normal manner. He pulled himself up and hugged the pillow to his stomach, a vibration pulling his attention, Cas pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened it up, a text from an unknown number graced the screen,

“Hey Cas, heard your had a hard day, hope you're feeling better - Sam”

“You**”

“Sam, thabk you, Ik doing betfer now.” good enough, his hands were shaking too hard to type anyways. He needed something to curb the edge off. Anything really.

 

@Cr0wley_King trxt me, I'm syre your still have my number

 

@castyelling will do poppet

 

“What do you need Cassie? Long time no text.”

“Your biy Alastair drugged me least month, what was it and how do I get more m?

“That was Cocaine dear Cassie. You sure you're up for that?”

“Ya. Get mr slme. Meet at the old hanfout I'll have miney for ylu.”

“ok.” Cas shuffled into a jacket, making sure he had enough layers this time, he gathered a bunch of cash from around the home and made his way to Noble Park. When he arrived Crowley was there, alone.

“Hey,” Cas said quietly, he was shaking slightly, partially from the panic, partially from the cold.

“Cassie, I have it here, but are you sure?” He asked gently,

“You lost the right to care a long time ago.” He said softly, he was tired, and emotionally a mess, he didn't want to be sober anymore.

“I'm sorry.” He whispered, “for how things went down.”

“Me too.” Cas said, his words were hollow, he didn't have the energy for this right now. “I have the cash, just give me the- what?” Crowley was shaking his head,

“This one time, it's on the house.” He said, placing an $80 baggie into Castiel's shaking hands, “but I better not hear you asking for this again, this was never what I wanted for you.”

“You should've thought about that before you bullied me into a shell of who I was, a shell of who you knew.” Castiel said quietly, “thanks for the drugs, I'm leaving now.”

“Goodbye, Castiel. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry fucking Christmas, Crowley.” Cas walked home, he passed Dean's house on the way, he didn't stop to meet his other siblings or have a chat with the man who ran him over, he kept walking and did his best to ignore the ache in his chest, the one he hoped to fill with the powdered form of the coca leaf. When he arrived home his phone vibrated again,

“Cas, Ill try 2 call 2mro, feel better, Ill txt u” from Dean, Cas sighed,

“I will feel better soon, don't worry. Thank you for watching over me today. Sleep well.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a little busier so a couple rapid fire shorter chapters for you,
> 
> Hope you enjoyed ^-^
> 
> And see you soon!


	22. Dentists in the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've surpassed 1,000 hits. Holy freaking crap. Over 70 kudos. 11 bookmarks.
> 
> Guys I'm blown away by the love. Blown away. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you thank you, THANK.YOU.
> 
>  
> 
> Annnnnywaayyyyys thaaannkk yoouuu agggaaiiinnnnnnn and enjoy chapter 22

“Hey Cas,” Dean said quietly into the speaker of his phone, he had bundled his body in blankets and made his way onto the roof of the Winchester residence. As they spoke he was staring out at the cold winter sunrise, “did you sleep well?” He asked, stifling a yawn as he stared at the delicate orange hues,

“Oh, I didn't really sleep.” Castiel mumbled, sniffling into the speaker,

“Yeah, I imagine that'd be difficult with the day you had.” Dean murmured,  “how you feeling?”

“Exhausted.” He whispered,

“You want me to let you get some sleep?”

“Can't.”

“My dad is taking Jo and Adam home today, I might be able to come over for a little bit, if you want I mean.” He said quietly,

“You don't want to go with them?”

“I want to see my boyfriend.” Dean said gently, sniffle filled silence on the other line,

“You're not getting sick again are you?” Dean finally asked,

“No,” Castiel grumbled, “my nose is just bleeding a little bit, it's no big deal, probably because of all the crazy that was yesterday.” He spoke out just a little too fast,

“Okay, Cas.” He said, though his brow furrowed slightly in worry - nosebleeds hadn't popped up in his Google searches. As his mind was puzzling this through a flock of birds flew past, capturing Dean's groggy gaze. “Good morning.” He whispered, the beauty of the day filling his heart,

“Good morning, Dean.”

“Sammy misses you, I miss you too.”

“I miss you both too, Dean.”

“Dad's supposed to leave for some friend's place after dropping off my siblings, said he'd be gone for a while, week or two, did you want to come over while he's gone?” Dean asked hopefully,

“I… Dean all I want to do is sleep.” Cas said, frustration twinging his usually even tone,

“Is something wrong?”

“Just because you came in and saved the day yesterday, it doesn't make this 'all better’ Dean, in fact it makes it worse because now I'm stuck here still fucking alive and what do I have to show for it? An empty home full of space and no love, a boyfriend whose abusive daddy ran me over and even still he can't be bothered to contact me, I, I, I just-” Castiel's voice went from angry to cracking in an instant, “I have to go.” He whispered, “don't,” he sighed, “just don't worry about it. It's whatever, it's all fucking whatever.” He hung up the phone. Fuck. Concern ripped through the calm of the morning, tearing it up with ease like a love letter being ripped apart by a bitter ex. Dean made his way back inside, the calmness of the day had crumbled, he had no reason to stay out in the icy morning air. He clambered down into the living room and saw his siblings all asleep. Jo, 14, Sammy 12, Adam 5. Adam and Jo didn't know what dad was, not yet, and once they found out they would go running, Sam and Dean would be alone again. For now, he would enjoy their company. They had both taken to Dean immediately - a cool big brother, what's not to like? Jo had gone with him to get burgers, and when they were watching cartoons yesterday Adam had crawled up onto Dean's open lap and snuggled in. It was so cute, but he should've called Cas… he was so distracted, but he really should've called. Things were fucked up again, because of him. He couldn't blame his brother and sister, it wasn't their fault, though Cas’ face when he saw Jo in the diner did make holding onto that feeling a little difficult. Poor Cas. Dean hadn't even noticed him in there, he was too engrossed with getting to know Jo.

Dean made his way into the kitchen, starting breakfast for the bunch. Though John has been sober while the two were here, that didn't mean he was going to magically start feeding four kids when he couldn't even bother feeding two. Dean sighed, scrambling some eggs, adding a little water and some potato to them to make them go further, potatoes were cheaper than eggs after all. As Dean stirred the concoction he was forcefully pushed back, the full brunt of time Adam tackling his legs,

“Hi big brover Dean!” He chirped happily,

“Hiya kiddo. He whispered, tousling Adam's sandy blonde hair.

“Whas for brekkast?”

“How bout some eggs and potatoes?” Dean asked with a smile,

“Um…” he paused, scrunching his face down, “yes!” He decided happily,

“Great cause that's what we're having.” Dean said, the nagging worry about Cas scratched at the back of his mind, but Dean was in love, with Jo, with little Adam, with being a real family no matter how many moms were between the four of them (three, for the record), and the tunnel vision love causes was very real within the eldest Winchester son. They had been a group of four for only a week now, but Dean wasn't ready for it to go back down to just the two of them. No, dad did not factor into either number. Jo followed him on social media, but Adam was so young that there wasn't any. Dean was pulled out of his thoughts by a tiny sneeze,

“Bless you buddy.” He said quietly, “c'mere.” He grabbed a paper towel and hunched down, he quickly started wiping the snot off his little brother's face, “better?” Dean asked, pulling back,

“Better!” Adam smiled, running off to bug the others. Kids that age were basically walking germ clouds, at least he was cleaned up. Dean washed up his hands and went back to cooking up breakfast when John waltzed in, he was blitzed. Fuck. Staggering and slow his wobbling gait paired with jerky movements like the alcohol paired with his bloodstream.

“Dad, let's get you to bed.” Dean said quietly, John was too drunk to fight his son, who quickly ushered him to the back room. Dean walked out and woke Sam, telling him to watch over dad as discreetly as possible. Fuck.

“Dean, how's our boy?” Benny asked as he answered Dean's call,

“That's not why I'm calling Benny.” He said quietly, “I need your help.”

 

***

Dean fed everyone breakfast, making sure to bring some in for Sam and dad, he got Jo's home address from her and Adam's from Dad's phone. When Benny pulled into the driveway Dean's mouth fell open slightly, Benny of course had been expected, as the only one with a valid license he was a life saver at this very moment, but he wasn't alone. His passenger looked absolutely sick, a translucent shade of green painted across his pained features, he was sweating and had dark bruise like circles surrounding his eyes, he was wincing and grabbing at his head like he had a migraine, he smashed his forehead up and down with his hand as if trying to get it all to calm down.

“Cas?” Dean whispered, his jaw was on the floor, the hell could've happened between the guy he left last night and the guy he was looking at now?

“Hello Dean.” Cas grumbled, irritation filling his voice, he rubbed his nose on his sleeve,

“You look awful.”

“You're not that good looking either.” He deadpanned, his voice a little hoarse. “I'm fine.” He said, doing his best to appear that way.

“Picked him up on the way, saw him out sitting on the porch again, couldn't just leave him.” Benny explained,  Dean nodded.

“Let's hop in guys, we're going home.” Dean said with pseudo cheer, ushering the two into the back seat as he loaded their bags. Normally Dean would've just driven the Impala himself but he didn't want to make that kind of impression on his siblings’ parents, he did _want_ them in his life after all.

“Cas, Benny” Dean said, popping into the back seat, “this is Jo, and this is Adam. My brother and sister.” Jo reached out to shake the hands of the two boys, Adam just waved happily.

“Did we meet?” Jo asked, her voice filled with uncertainty as she looked at Cas, “oh! You're sick diner guy!” She said, the switch going off in her head. Castiel scowled,

“Please don't call me that.” He said quietly, something was up, he seemed irritated.

“Jo, you remember what we were talking about the other day.” Dean said quietly, hinting at a conversation they had had alone,

“Wait, sick diner guy is _him_? What the hell why didn't you introduce me?!” She asked, shocked and mildly annoyed,

“It's Castiel.” Cas grumbled,

“Whatever - point stands.” She said,

“Sorry, Cas obviously wasn't feeling so hot, I didn't think it was a good to-”

“He didn't notice I was there.” Cas deadpanned, “that's why he couldn't be bothered. No one can ever be bothered.” Cas slumped into his seat, Dean slid further down into his seat, trying to hide from the war zone Benny's little Ford had become.

“You doing okay after yesterday Cas?” Benny asked gently, at Benny's calm demeanor Cas backed down a little,

“Yeah, I'm okay.” He said quietly.

“Good.” Benny said, cranking the radio up, the vocals of Vance Joy filling the rickety vehicle to steady the healing wounds within the group with much needed silence.

  



	23. Snow Laced Cyanide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your continued readership,
> 
> I've been super busy at work and haven't been able to write there lately so sorry for the slowness, it'll probably continue at least for the next week.
> 
> Aaaaanyways, enjoy this lil installment in our story ^-^ As usual, kudos and comments welcome and encouraged!

They dropped each of the kids off, when the car was emptied the very nauseous Castiel found his way into the back seat. Though he was irritated and stubborn he found himself cuddled up against Dean, whose arms wrapped lazily around him. It was warm and comforting, Cas finally felt the edge fall from his attitude as he relaxed.

“Where to boys?” Benny asked gently as he headed home, by this point Castiel had nodded off.

“Sammy is at home with Dad, can we pick him up and then you take us to Cas’ place? Assuming he's okay with it when he wakes up?” Dean asked quietly, Benny nodded.

“He okay?”

“I don't know, I don't know what's going on. I mean there was that fever but that, that broke?” Dean sounded hurt and confused, “I wouldn't have left if…”

“I know, Dean.” He said quietly. Dean brushed Cas’ hair out of his eyes. When they arrived at home Cas woke up, with a groan he squished further into Dean's chest.  

“Hey buddy.” Dean whispered, leaving a gentle kiss on Cas’ head.

“Hi Dean” Cas croaked out, gazing up into his beautiful green eyes,

“How you feelin’?” He asked gently,

“Tired.” Cas grumbled, “headache, wanna sleep.”

“We're gonna take you home don't worry, I was wondering if it's okay if me and Sammy come over?” Dean asked gently, Cas nodded, wincing slightly at the painful movement.

“Benny, can you?” Benny nodded, exiting his little car, he went in after Sam. After a few minutes Benny came out with the smiling young boy and the group left for Cas’.

“You be good to him now you hear?” Benny called out as he drove away, instead of yelling Dean gave a quick thumbs up, Cas was thankful as his head was throbbing. Don't do drugs, kiddos. They moved inside, his house was cold, a shiver ran through Dean,

“Cas, it's freezing in here, what the hell happened?”

“Oh, I was overheating last night, turned off the heat.”

“And you just left it cold like this? No wonder you;re sick.” Cas shrugged, Dean sighed, the things we do for l-oh. Dean blushed, Cas just raised an eyebrow at him, not saying anything. Sam felt out of place but hey at least he wasn't with Dad.

“Cas, can I go upstairs and hang out in your room?”

“Sure Sam.” Sam bolted, Dean chuckled. Dean fell down onto the couch and motioned for Cas to do the same. Cas smiled and fell beside him, finding himself once again buried in Dean's chest.

“I like it when you big spoon.” He said gently,

“Pf, I'm no spoon I'm a knife.” Dean chuckled, Cas grinned, “okay I like it when you _knife_ then.” Cas winced again, he moved wrong and waves of pain were sent rippling through his head. He groaned quietly, “you okay?” Dean murmured, Cas nodded slightly,

“Want something for it?”

“That's okay, nothing I have will touch it, problem I've had lately.” Cas mumbled, no matter how many tablets of ibuprofen he would take it wouldn't touch his pain, and that was a lot of ibuprofen. Dean sighed, running his fingers through Cas’ hair. Dean peppered little kisses on his forehead.

“Kisses have no medical value.” Cas deadpanned, Dean froze,

“Oh…”

“I-I didn't mean for you to stop.” Cas blushed, Dean blushed back at him. He was still tired and sniffly, but at least Cas’ mood seemed to stabilize, Dean was happy with the improvement, no matter how small.

“You want anything?”

“Dean, quit mother henning me, relax.”

“But..”

“Dean.” Cas held his gaze, he quickly jumped up and pecked a kiss on Dean's jaw.

“Okay.” An embarrassed smile pressed on Dean's face.

“I love your mother henning, its been more relevant than i'd like lately…” Cas trailed off, “but I still like it.”

“Okay Castiel.”

“Tell me more about you”

“There's nothing to know. I'm Dean, Dean Winchester, lived in crappy houses most of my life in different dumb places until dad can't afford it anymore. Have a few kid siblings. I like long walks on the beach that end with sunsets.”

“Very romantic.” Cas murmured. “I'd like to go on a long walk on the beach with you.” Cas said hazily, he was falling back asleep,

“I'd love to Cas, when do you wanna go?”

“I would like to go for our one year anniversary.”

“Alright Cas, I'll see you then.” he said, pecking Cas’ nose with his lips,

“I hope I'll see you before then too…” Cas trailed off, falling into sleep filled with tiny snores, Dean had noticed Cas only really snored when he was having breathing troubles. Dean pulled his hand over Cas’ face, gently brushing softly against the different patches of skin. Cas jerked slightly, eyes blinking tiredly,

“Shhh Cas, go back to sleep, you were falling out and I guess I pulled you back awake, but rest, you need it.” Dean's warm, minty breath caressing Cas’ skin as it brushed past. Cas cuddled further into Dean, he could feel the boy in his lap collapse into a state of total relaxation.

“Good, good.” Dean whispered to himself. Dean leaned back, letting his head lull against the couch.

**

When Cas began to stir he felt a little better, less tired, less headache. As Cas sat up Dean jerked, waking up.

“Hey Cas.” He grumbled, “how you feelin’?”

“Better.” He said truthfully, Dean's eyes widened fractionally,

“Sammy!” He called up the stairs

“What Dean?” he called back

“uh, nothing, proceed.” Dean returned,

“Jerk!”

“Bitch!”

“Dean that was loud” Cas winced,

“Sorry,” he quieted.

“I'm gonna go shower, I'll be back down soon.” Cas said quietly, Dean nodded. Something felt a little off, maybe it was dad or something.. Dean wasn't sure, but something was wrong.


	24. Honeybee Cassie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, here's another chapter. Like I said on the last one my mid week time had significant lessened but I'll still do my best to at least post weekendly and hopefully soon I can go back to posting all the time always.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for sticking with me, love you all.
> 
> Enjoy some character suffering!

Cas slowly walked upstairs, passing his room, Sam inside, heading for the bathroom. He padded In, quietly shutting and locking the door behind him. Cas reached into his bathroom drawer and grabbed out a small jewelry box, setting it carefully on the table. He undid the little clasp and opened the wooden lid. His mom had given him this a  very long time ago, wooden make with little golden embellishments, it was likely meant for a little girl, but Castiel loved it still. Cas took out a small blade and a small dice bag, pulling the plastic baggie out from inside the velvet pouch. He opened the ziploc full of coke, and tipped the bag dropping the white powder onto his phone, using the razor to turn it into neat little lines.

“God fucking speed.” He mumbled, taking the rolled up bill from the night before, he snorted up the lines, one after the other. He then carefully returned the contents, zipping the tiny plastic bag, replacing the plastic in the velvet dice bag, putting it carefully back in the box. He wiped his phone on his jeans to clean up the excess powder, leaving only the razor out. Cas stayed in the bathroom a little longer, waiting for some of the sniffling to subside, waiting for the high to kick in. He wiped the blade gently against his jeans to clean it. Once he felt enough time had passed he wiped off his nose one final time and walked over to his room.

“Hey Sam.” Cas said quietly, he was starting to feel great, “I wanted to get changed, you mind?” He asked,

“oh, sure.” Sam said quietly, leaving the room. Cas did indeed change clothes, into some comfortable pajamas, but he also raided his razor supply, leaving only one in his side table drawer. The other three now cradled gently in his hands.

“Okay Sam, all yours again” Cas said kindly, keeping his hands from view, Sam nodded, his facial expression one of confusion at the strange behavior but Sam didn't comment.

“Hey, hey Dean.” Cas called out, stumbling as he made it down the stairs, “hey I uh, I wanted to…” he paused, confidence suddenly swelling, picking up his broken sanity, he nodded to himself, took a breath, and started again, “I want you to take these from me.” He said, a gentle fierceness filling him as he held out the razors.

“Is that..?”

“All of them.” He lied, catching a glimpse of himself in a nearby mirror as he looked away - man his pupils were huge.

“Wow, Cas, this is great.” Dean said, a happiness flooding his body.

“I just thought, ya know if we're gonna do this, let's not give it a reason to fail.” Cas said happily, depositing the razors into a plastic baggie and handing them to Dean.

“I'm proud of you.” Dean whispered, kissing Castiel,

“Thanks.” Castiel said, striking him with a quick kiss. “You're so beautiful.” Cas said, an awe-like expression on his face,

“Yeah you ain't bad looking yourself, Cas.” Dean said sheepishly, blushing at the comment,

“We shouldn't let that go to waste.” Cas said, a seductive smile pinning his features in place,

“Go to w-?” Dean was cut off with a powerful kiss, Castiel began making love to Dean's mouth with his own soft lips. Moving powerfully over every surface with gentle kisses and whispers pressed into Dean's skin. Whispers of love and affirmations of the boy next to him.

“Cas,Cas, whoa, wait, uh, hah, wait” Dean said, squirming as Cas moved his way to Dean's neck,

“What? You let everyone else do this, why not me?” Cas deadpanned, backing away. His face had fallen. Dean blushed in embarrassment, “don't you want me, Dean?” He asked quietly,

“I, yeah, I, of _course_ I do Castiel, come here.” Dean pulled him down into the couch, they were sat beside one another. “I don't want to… Go there…. With you _just_ because I've been there with other people before. I want to, because you want to.”

“I want to, Dean.” Castiel growled, roughly kissing his lips once again,

“And, and” Dean said, pushing Cas’ head back, “not with Sammy here.” Cas sighed, flopping away.

“Fine.” He grumbled, turning away

“Caaaas, don't be like that.” Dean said sadly,

“Be like what? I'm not being like anything. Chaste Little flower never getting any…”

“Castiel, man, stop. I don't want to right now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” the two sat awkwardly beside one another, “I'm gonna go check on Sammy.” Dean said quietly, shifting his pants uncomfortably, Cas nodded, pulling out his phone, a notification popped up on top of his screen. He opened Twitter,

 

MagicBitchIan: @castyelling wanna share that boif of yours? 3way? #IBetHesGoodInBed #DoUEvEnKno? #ImGonnaFindOut

 

MagicBitchIan: Seriously? Why is he even with u? #CastiFreak #LemmeAtHim

 

MagicBitchIan: @ Dean - u may not be on Twitter but @castyelling says I can have you - his words not mine #DTF #HottieHotHottie  

 

Cas sighed, great. More fucking bullies. That just meant he needed more fucking cocaine since he just gave almost all of his razors away. Fucking great. Castiel's mood was quickly souring, though his high powered through. He would text Crowley, or maybe Alastair since Crowley was being so ‘high and mighty’. Cas ran his sleeve under his running nose, closing the app. Awesome. Fucking. Awesome. Cas laid down on the couch, closing his eyes so he could just sit, and float, and enjoy his time. Cas laid there, time and space were passing him by, his brain relaxed and alert at once. Dean came back down the stairs and walked back over to Castiel, whose eyes were closed and his breathing slow and steady.

“Hey,” Dean whispered, trying not to wake Cas up if he were actually asleep,

“Hi Dean.” Cas grumbled, sniffling.

“Sorry, for, for, not uh. Yeah..” he rubbed that back of his neck,

“I shouldn't be pushing you, that's not consent, I should be apologizing.” Cas deadpanned, still hurting from the digital words that had just bitten a chunk out of his heart.

“Well, Cas, I know it's only been a few weeks, and we're in high school, and odds aren't on our side here, but for what it counts - you mean so much to me.”

“Okay Dean.” Cas said quietly, not looking him in the eye, Cas wasn't very okay right now, not that he ever was. “Come here.” Cas whispered, Dean complied, laying down and cuddling up against Castiel. “Wanna make cheesy pasta later and watch bad horror movies?” Cas asked quietly, Dean leaned in and gently kissed him, whispering against his lips

“I'd love that.”

“Nap first?”

“You're tired again?”

“Been through a lot the last couple days… The whole, fever and hypothermia thing really took it outta me.” Cas lied,

“Okay, you nap, I'll make some cheesy pasta after you fall asleep, I'll stay here until you do.”

“Okay Dean.” he whispered, Dean gently hummed a song stuck in his head, Honeybee by Steam Powered Giraffe, not his usual style - the song made him think of Castiel, and so gently he hummed as Cas nodded away.


	25. Where Were You Then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me making up for my busy ass week.
> 
> I didn't mean to do a three chapter in one weekend spam but here we are.
> 
> Enjoy loves!

School was back in session, Dean and Castiel were going strong, they'd spent the remainder of the break connected at the hip, John in and out of alcohol induced stupor. There was a new girl Sammy liked, her name was Jessica, and Dean loved the happy look in Sammy's eyes when he talked about her. Cas was doing well, since he'd given Dean the razors he occasionally wanted to cut but.. didn't. He still had the last one on standby just In case but..eh. There were better vices out there. In Mr. Turner's class the chatter of teamwork flowed gently through the room as the writing groups had paired off, the major writing stage was upon them and Clay was about to be put through the wringer. Cas and Benny were sure if it.

Cas himself was being put through the wringer as well, as he sat working he was shivering and sweating profusely, Benny eyed him suspiciously but didn't say anything as they worked the project.

“So I was thinking we put Clay inside the castle to establish the metaphorical feeling of Clay being trapped-” Benny continued on, but Cas couldn't focus on a thing he was saying. He rubbed at his face, trembling limbs vibrating the lackluster skin underneath. “-so what do you think?” Benny paused, looking to Castiel, when Cas realized Benny was waiting for a response he stuttered out

“Oh, yeah, yeah, sounds.. Sounds great.” And rubbed at his face more,

“Hey, man, are you okay?” Benny asked quietly,

“Yeah, yeah, m'fine.” He grumbled. Benny sighed and went back to his explanation of the project. Cas slumped onto his desk, grabbing his jacket sleeve and pulling it tightly over his hand, running it gently under his running nose. He felt a shift and immediately blood began gushing,

“Fuck!” Cas yelled, irritated, attempting to stop the bleeding with his already bloody sleeve as Benny jumped away in shock. Dean jumped up from where he was working and got over to Castiel quickly,

“Cas, man, that's the third one this week…” he worried, pulling out a tissue from the pack he'd taken to carrying around. Fifth, actually, but Cas wasn't correcting. Cas replaced his arm with the tissue and sent Dean a thankful look, he and Benny just looked worried.

“M'fide. Go back to your project.”

“Right..” Dream said, despite his disbelief he did as he was told and returned to his desk and to Charlie.

“Three times this week?” Benny asked gently,

“M'fide.” Cas swiped the air with his free hand, “so Clay? Castles?” Cas desperately tried to change the subject.

“Castiel, if I can see you after class.” Mr. Turner called over,

“Yes mbister Turnder.” Cas called back, checking if the bleeding had stopped. Pleased that it had Cas tossed the tissue into the trash.

**

“So, what happened today?” Mr. Turner asked gently,

“My nose, allergies, happening a lot lately.” He mumbled,

“Ahuh. You don't seem well, Castiel.”

“I'm fine.”

“Okay, well if you ever weren't, you know I'm here?”

“Of course, thank you Mr. Turner.”

“Good. I'm excited for your project with Benny, I anticipate good things.” Mr. Turner delicately moved the subject, letting Cas relax a little, “go on, go get to your next class, and remember I'm here for you. Not every adult is evil, this isn't a Series of Unfortunate Events here.” Cas smiled weakly, except it kind of is and I'm the forgotten Baudelaire he thought to himself.

 

**

 

“Cas, how are you feeling?” Dean asked gently as he exited the classroom

“Cold, shaky.” He said quietly, he knew he wasn't hiding it well, may as well tell the truth

“You sick?” Cas shrugged non-comitally - no, no he wasn't. But Dean didn't need to know that.

“Maybe nerves? My parents come home next week and the house is a mess.”

“Awe they won't mind?”

“You don't know them like I do.” While well loved Castiel was under an immense level of scrutiny, he wasn't raising himself into the young man that they wanted him to be. A new shiver rolled through Cas’ body, he had taken his jacket off as it was covered in blood and his t shirt just wasn't cutting it.

“Here.” Dean said, taking his jacket off and wrapping it around Cas',

“But Dean-”

“Cas, you're sick, I've been without before, it's no big deal.”

“Okay…” he wasn't sick, this was in fact all his fault, and now Dean was suffering for it. Awesome. He kissed his boyfriend on the cheek gently so as not to jostle his already inflamed nose and made his way to his next class.

When Cas arrived at Mrs. Daley's Social Studies class he saw a new face beside his usual chair, all seating was assigned this was definitely a surprise. When the bell rang and everyone settled in Mrs. Daley began to speak

“Class, this is Ian Ghallager, he just transferred from upstate, Castiel if you could please fill him in on what we've covered so far while everyone works quietly in the daily question?” Cas gulped and nodded, he know that name. He knew that face. And the almost sensual sneer starting at Cas told him that Ian knew too.

“That Winchester's jacket? I saw him in it today what's it doing on you?”

“I'm borrowing it.” Cas said In an angry whisper, “that's what _boyfriends_ do.”

“Well, can't wait to do it when he's my boyfriend.” Ian smiled, damnit wasn't he too cute to be evil? Wasn't that a law? Cas sighed, he needed a fucking hit. To his credit Castiel did explain where they were in the class - no need to end up on Mrs. Daley's bad side at this point. Another set of shivers ran through Castiel, who dropped down onto his desk as Mrs. Daley began her lecture on the War of 1812.

“You sick?” Ian asked delicately, “better take that jacket off, wouldn't want to share your nasty germs with Dean.” He quietly antagonized. Cas scowled, fucking twinks. When the class ended Castiel was out the door as quickly as possible, running into a wall unintentionally. This turned out to be a problem when Alastair happened to be that wall.

“Watch it, Novak!” He yelled, slapping his face, at which point blood began freely falling from his nose again.

“Fuck! Thangks Alastair!” He yelled, scrambling towards the bathroom,

“I think we could be great friends.” Ian said, he saw all of it, he held out his hand “Ian Ghallager.”

“Al” they shook on it, a new alliance had formed.

**

“Oh, Castiel.” Crowley said gently as Cas rushed into the bathroom, doing his darnedest not to spill his blood all over Dean's sweatshirt. “What happened?”

“Alastair.” He grumbled, holding thin toilet paper to his nose and wiping at it gently, he frowned seeing some small blood spots on the sleeve of the jacket.

“This wasn't just Alastair.” Crowley said Gently, “this is… more. Is it not?”

“I- yeah.” He crumpled. Crowley walked over to him and cracked beside him,

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No. Not with you.”

“Okay Cassie, okay. I'm here if you need me.”

“Why? We were enemies last quarter?”

“Yeah well, things have changed.”

“No, they haven't.”

“You're not well.” He said slowly,

“I wasn't before. Where were you then?” Cas spat out, leaving the room.


	26. Willyoubemyboyfriend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's been a quick minute, busy at work busy at home but hey I got a chapter out so here we go!
> 
> Also, if you ship Sabriel and haven't read my oneshot Celestial Chemistry - you should. I'm super proud of it (it was a commission it got more attention to perfection than this fic ever had sorry not sorry)
> 
> Anyways, regardless of the above, I hope you enjoy our layers installment ^-^ as usual, comment, kudos, bookmarks all welcome. Tell me how I'm doing. What do you want to see next? Like? Dislike? Let me know.
> 
> Love you all, Alex

Before

 

_“Promise me something,”_

_“Anything, love.”_

_“Promise me that if anything ever happens to this, happens to us, we'll stay friends?”_

_“Of course we will.” Gus smiled, and Cas smiled back “there's nothing that could break this.” Cas felt his cheeks warm in response,_

_“Yeah, well, we'll see if you feel the same way the next time my parents tote me off to Egypt for the summer.”_

_“Don't say things like that,” Gus said gently, Cas’ head gently laid in his lap, he ran his fingers through the boy's messy hair._

_“You know it's true. They won't let me stay home for the summers until I can drive myself. You know that.”_

_“I know.” Gus said sadly, pressing a gentle kiss to Cas’ forehead. “But I promise, it won't matter, just because we're more now, it doesn't mean we can't keep fighting, stay together.”_

_“I know I just… I'm worried.” He said quietly, “I love you.” He whispered, Gus's mouth fell open with a slight surprise, he bent down, and pressed another kiss to Cas’ forehead_

_“I love you too.” He mumbled into the clammy skin._

_“Do you think we'll be together forever?” Cas asked quietly, reaching his hand up to Gus's jaw and running it gently along the bone._

_“Course I do Cassie, course I do.” Castiel smiled lightly,_

_“Me too.” He whispered, curling up onto his side. It was late and the sun was setting at Noble Park, but they lay like that in the warm summer evening until the world was dark._

 

_**_

_“She’s gone, Gus.” Cas whispered, Gus smiled sadly,_

_“I-I know.” He said, a shakiness filling his soft voice. Cas’ hand enveloped Gus’s, running his thumb over the knuckle until a small smile crossed Gus's broken expression. Cas popped up onto his tiptoes and pressed a gently kiss on Gus's cheek. “Things will never be the same,” Gus whispered,_

_“I know, but it'll get better, and one day you'll numb, and when you're numb your heart will have healed, the void will still be there sure, but better.”_

_“I just, I don't know what I'm going to do without her.”_

_“You're going to be brave, for yourself, for little Alfie, and when you can't be brave anymore, I'll be brave for you.” Cas said, adjusting Gus's tie, he gave a watery smile. Cas enveloped him in an enormous hug, kissing his jaw. “Come on, let's go get Alfie, your parents have arrangements to make for Anna, the three of us can walk home. Gus nodded,_

_“I just can't believe she took her life.” He croaked out,_

_“I know,” Cas said, a fierceness taking hold as he tried to protect his boyfriend from the world, but this wasn't something he had the ability to do. Unconsciously his left leg slipped behind his right. Nobody noticed. Cas grabbed Gus and Alfie, and walked the boys home in the drizzling rain._

_“You get home safe, okay?” Gus whispered, “don't need another if you're world famous colds.”_

_“Pff” Cas scoffed, “already had it this year, I'm golden. Besides, being in the rain doesn't make you sick.”_

_“No, having an already weak immune system weakened by being In the cold and rain doesn't though. Winter may have been Anna's favorite season, but it's always been so hard on you.” Gus grumbled,_

_“Stop it, I'll be fine. I'll text you when I get home.” Gus smiled, Cas gave him one last peck before he left._

 

_*** Earlier_

_“Castiel!” Gus screamed, a laugh trailing gently behind “I'm going to get you!” He cried out,_

_“Good luck!” Cas called back, laughing just as hard. The darkness settled in to the warm Autumn evening at Noel park. Gus chased Castiel around the playground, fitful giggles escaping both boys. They chased one another as the sun set and into the night, until Castiel had to stop, finding himself In the middle of the field he began coughing loudly before he took up running again._

_“Hey, hey, whoa, you!” Gus called out, catching up to Cas and grabbing hold of his arm, a tremor ran through it. “Are you getting sick?” He asked quietly,_

_“No,” Castiel coughed out,_

_“Right, okay sure. Come on.” Gus said, taking Cas by the arm and bringing him up into the playground. Sitting down on a grey faux rock set of climbing steps, the boys relaxed. Castiel coughed into his free arm as the other felt it's fingers intertwine with Gus's. Gus dropped his head on Cas' shoulder._

_“You know you're supposed to tell me when I'm going too hard on you.” He whispered, Cas scoffed,_

_“I'm not made of glass.” He coughed out,_

_“Yeah, well,” Gus didn't know what to say, he settled for nuzzling Cas’ jaw with his nose. “Glass or not, it's my job to take care of you.”_

_“Oh, is it now?” Cas asked with a laugh and a sniffle,_

_“As best friends, as boyfriends, that responsibility never changed.” He said with a laugh, “remember when you got pneumonia when you were ten?”_

_“You barely ever left my side.” Cas said with a small smile,_

_“I only ever left because Mom and Dad made me.”_

_“I know.” Cas kissed the top of Gus's head. “you've always been good at taking care of me.”_

_“Well, someone had to.”_

_“Gus-” he warned,_

_“ I know, I know,_ it's not their fault they're too busy for their own kid” _he mocked._

_“Maybe I should go-”_

_“Please stay, I'm sorry, I'll stop.” Cas nodded in response, another shiver running through him, Gus lifted his hand to Cas’ forehead, frowning slightly,_

_“I’m fine.” Cas whispered,_

_“Well maybe I'm not fine. I'm getting cold, we should go home, I'll make soup? Besides, Anna and Alfie will be waiting.”_

_“You've always been a terrible liar. Can we watch the stars a little longer?”_

_“Sure thing, Cassie.”_

 

_*** First_

_“So, do you remember what you told me last year?” Gus asked, running his hands together, a nervous energy filling the moment,_

_“You'll have to be more specific.” Cas deadpanned, “you're my best friend, I tell you a lot of things.”_

_“A-about how you, you like, um, guys, and not girls?”_

_“Oh… That… Yes…” Cas said awkwardly, he didn't know what this was about, but the whole topic made him extremely nervous. “I-I didn't really tell you so much as, well, you, I.”_

_“I know, Cassie, I know it was an accident.”_

_“I don't see how reading pages of my journal was an accident, but whatever it's in the past.”_

_“Right, past. What if it wasn't?”_

_“What is this about, Gus?” Gus took a deep breath,_

_“It's about you, a-and me, mostly about me.” He started nervously, “I uh, I um well,”_

_“Spit it out?”_

_“I, well, this.” He said, pulling Castiel towards him, he froze when they were a book's width apart, “this.” He breathed out, going slow, allowing time for Castiel to pull away, to dodge, ensuring that if this wasn't reciporacted it wasn't happening, and when he realized Castiel wasn't moving he pulled in for a kiss. Castiel pulled him closer, and when the brief kiss ended the boys found themselves hugged together,_

_“I see why you were having so much trouble.” Cas joked lightly, Gus felt his face heating considerably. “So, I uh, got it. What do you want to do about it?”_

_“Willyoubemyboyfriend” he blurted out in hushed rushed tones,_

_“If you promise me that no matter what happens, we will still be friends?”_

_“I promise.”_

_“Then I accept.” Cas said with a happy smile, “Fergus Rowan Crowley - I would love to be your boyfriend.”_

 

_*** Now_

Castiel sighed, sinking to the floor outside his locker, one hand on his sensitive nose, the other running through his damp hair. He had a class to get to, and a craving to satiate, a boyfriend to calm down and a jacket to wash, a house to clean, and feelings to damper down. Castiel pulled himself into a little ball as the warning bell rang, the hallways emptied. He didn't move. When the starting bell rang Castiel stayed put, alone in the hallway and buried in stress and tasks he felt his breath hitch and shake as tears began to fall. He was shuddering and spluttering, alone In that hallway for a long while. When the tears finally stopped he went to the office and checked himself out, opting to head home, he was sweating profusely from withdrawal after all, it looked like a fever from the outside, and that was enough for the nurse.


	27. Mr. Clean Right Behind You

 

Third period - Español  por Dean, o Diego de uh señora Gonzales, llamas en Español para la class de... Español… ellan español muy muy muy mal. Muy mal….

“Your boy toy went home, I saw him heading for the office.” Crowley interrupted Dean's broken Spanish translations,

“What?”

“Nose was bleeding, looked a bit sick, he gets that way you know.”

“I uh.. Yeah. I know about the whole... preemie thing.” Dean mumbled, a bit annoyed he was finding this out from Crowley of all people,

“Clase, español solamente por favor!” Mrs. Gonzales snapped at the two boys,

“Sí señora.” The grumbled,

“Uh, Castiel.. uh… soy.. uh.. yo soy en-enfermas? Uh es normalmente.” Dean brokenly spat out, “uh, no buenas.”

“Sí, Castiel um.. to go… a tu vas? Su casa.”

“Sí, sí, claro. Tengas una um...fiebre?”

“Mas o menos?”

“Okay I'm sick of this, he looked like he was running a fever first period.”

“He didn't seem well.”

“He isn't.”

“Clase!”

“Sí señora...” the boys groaned.

 

***

 

“Cas?” Dean called out, knocking on the door to his home, Castiel came forward and opened the front door, he looked well enough. Dean squinted, analyzing the pale boy.

“Hey Dean, come in.” He said, opening the door, the vacuum cleaner was running and the place looked the cleanest he had ever seen it. The usual piles of clothes had been washed and we're neatly folded in baskets, the kitchen usually buried in dishes had been tackled completely, leaving a shiny mid century style gleam. The layer of dust Dean had grown accustomed to was obliterated, and Cas looked proud. “What do you think? Took me all morning but I think she's shiny and parent ready.”

“Looks great Cas, thought you weren't feeling well?” He asked gently,

“I'm fine, just stressed like I told you, no more mess no more stress” he smiled vibrantly,

“Are you? Fine I mean?”

“Sure am” Cas’ smile was enormous, he seated a little with each step as if his hips had been weighted, he seemed okay. Dean called a little. He stepped forward, pulling Castiel in for a gentle kiss.

“Well I'm glad.” He whispered into Cas’ lips, leaving a small kiss on his nose.

“Take a seat, I'll finish up and we can hang out.” Cas said cheerily, Dean nodded and went to take a seat on the couch, usually lumpy with blankets askew, the cushions had been fluffed and blankets folded, laid gently across the back. Cas turned the vacuum back on and a shudder ran through Dean - he wasn't a huge fan of loud noises, usually the loud noises meant danger. Dean relaxed a little, hopping onto his phone and fiddling with Facebook. He wasn't big on social media but it didn't hurt as a time drain every once in a while. As Dean surfed Cas finished up vacuuming, going over each section of carpet at least twice before retiring the vacuum bag and putting away the bulky appliance. Cas quickly jumped to the couch, flying over the back and landing next to Dean who flew away in shock and fear, hand clutching his chest as he panted,

“Don't, DO THAT” He half panted half yelled,

“Sorry” Cas said gently, a large smile still gracing his lips.

He maneuvered his hand so it was over the top of Dean's and intertwined his fingers gently. He closed in, using his tiptoes to push himself up to Dean's face, leaning gently in for a kiss as he lay atop the startled boy. Castiel could feel himself crashing, but couldn't be bothered to care at the moment, he still felt euphoric though his body was beginning to protest. As the two boys kissed a headache rolled in to Cas’ brain, his nose began running, and the fuzzy achy feeling he was experiencing at school today returned. After a few sniffles and a slight wince Dean spoke up,

“You push it too hard?” Dean asked gently, pulling away from Cas,

“I'm fine, Dean.”

“Right, you keep sayin’ that.”

“And I mean that.” He said, wincing at a sudden movement, triggering a ricochet of pain in his brain.

“Cas,” Dean warned, Cas gingerly shrugged, bouncing forward into Dean's face for a peck to his lips and back again.

“I'm fine.” He said, though in Dean's opinion he was looking a little pale.

“Come here” Dean said, pulling Cas in closer, he wrapped his arms around Dean, looking up after a few minutes,

“I guess you could be a little right, let me just run upstairs and take something…”

“Oh it's no trouble Cas, what is it I'll go get it.”  Cas face fell ever so slightly, his mind stuttered, coming back to the track Cas spoke,

“Uh, Tylenol. There should be Tylenol.” he grumbled, his face had returned to its usual state. Dean got up and bounced upstairs. Castiel groaned to himself, and Dean came bounding back down, bottle shaking lightly in his hand. He skittered to a stop, dropping onto the couch and handing Castiel the bottle. Gingerly Cas opened the child safe bottle, letting a pile of pills drop into his palm and quickly dry swallowing them. Dean's mouth had fallen into his lap, only a questioning look from Cas was able to winch it back into his jaw.

“That was a lot of Tylenol.” He said sheepishly, Cas shrugged

“It takes a lot for pharmaceuticals to affect me.”

“I.. Okay.” Cas cuddled back up against Dean. “How's the whole, uh” Dean pointed sheepishly at his things “... Situation… Going?” He asked, an awkward gentleness in his demeanor.

“The cutting?” Dean winced slightly and nodded, “I haven't. Since the whole, trying to freeze myself... to death… thing.” He said sheepishly, Dean was carefully preparing a response when a sharp knocking filled their ears, the boys shared a glance of confusion with one another as Cas got up to answer the door.

“What do you want?” Cas sniffed, a monotone filling his voice,

“I uh, was just coming to see how you were doing, is all.”

“Why don't you ask Alastair? Since he's the one who shoved me.”

“Cas I-”

“Save it for someone who cares, Gus.” Dean's eyes were wide watching Castiel rip into Crowley, confusion piqued at the nickname. Cas turned and shut the door,

“What was that all about?” Dean asked, Cas sighed sitting down,

“So, you know he bullies me,” Dean nodded lightly in response, “well, first he was my best friend.. And then he was my boyfriend.” Dean's mouth fell open,

“The hell happened to make him go from that to this?” Dean gestured wildly,

“So you know my parents are in archaeological sales and are often gone?” More nodding, “well they used to take me every summer, because I couldn't drive anywhere yet and-”

“You can't drive now?”

“I have a license, just no car. I'm only to use my parents' car in case of emergency. Anyways, the year we started dating my parents took me away, to Saudi Arabia or Egypt or Iran - I don't know I can't remember now the trips all blur together. Anyways, I wrote him letters, I sent postcards, I sent little gifts, and at first I would get lavish letters in response, but they slowed, and stuttered, and stopped. The last thing I heard, Gus had made new friends, with people who moved in next door, he didn't need a long distance boyfriend anymore he had Alastair, he replaced me, and my world unraveled. When I came back, I tried to at least resume the friendship, but I don't think Al liked me very much... That's when the bullying started. That was two years ago.” Cas looked away, refusing to meet Dean's pity filled gaze. “And then, you made out with him.” Cas grumbled, his tone changing, Dean looked as though he'd swallowed a thumbtack, “I forgive you, but my heart honestly shattered.” Dean dug his head into Cas’ chest

“I'm so sorry.”

“I know.” Cas kissed the top of his head, running his fingers through Dean's hair. “It's not okay, but it will be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think
> 
> Like? Dislike? 
> 
> Where do you think things are going? What do you want to happen next?
> 
> Tellmetellmetellme ❤️
> 
> As usual, love you all, and thanks for reading ❤️


	28. One (1) Lesbian Seeking Female WLW Winchester O.B.O.

Life resumed it's awkward gait to the beat of the hearts of our heroes. Dean finding himself in the shoes of a big brother to Sam, to Jo, to Adam, trying to do right by _all_ of them and not drop Castiel. His dad's alcoholism on display it seemed for the entire town as every night he came home it was with fumbled steps and artificially warmed veins.

Castiel spent his time in the clouds chasing his next dizzy fever dream, and when those dreams crashed against the shore of sobriety so too did Castiel, tumbling lost, drowning in the salty waves. Whenever he emerged the moments of clarity were filled with hunger for more, need that he filled with whatever he could find. Coke was expensive, he took up a paper route to keep his habit away from his parents. His money, his account, his drug problem. Except it wasn't a problem. With drug purchases rendered through Alastair the bullying slowed to a trickle, the occasional shoulder swipe in the hallway or sub-tweets, nothing like before. Ian hadn't backed off, though the alliance between him and Alastair did dissolve because of it.

The rise of Ian Gallagher was imminent, he had already seduced enough of his classmates to have a steady popularity that was ever growing, and he used it against Castiel. His bullying tactics were less overt, more special operations, sending in someone to ram their lunch tray “accidentally” into his constantly bloody and running nose, or having his locker broken into and filled with cedar chips - how they found out he was allergic Cas really didn't know. Covered in splotchy hives he made his way to class that day.

Crowley was suddenly everywhere. In the halls watching, ready with supplies when Castiel was drowning in withdrawal, a gentle hand on his shoulder when people were attacking him, slowly but surely working his way back into Castiel's life, much to Dean's dismay. He bristled with every touch, the look in Castiel's eyes sent chills skating through his veins, leaving long sharp divets in the ice where his blood used to be. He was constantly shaking in anger and fear, he didn't get to have good things and to think his good thing was about to fall apart again made his stomach churn.

Dean couldn't focus, and by the time lunch came around he had a throbbing headache. He wasn't in the mood for any of this, not for Castiel and his bipolar attitude, not for Crowley making goo goo eyes at him, so when he angrily stood and sulked away the majority of the lunch table weren't surprised.

“I'll go get him,” Charlie said quietly, standing and walking after him. “Dean!” She yelled, entering the hallway, “what the hell man?” Dean winced, running his fingers along his forehead as he sat on the floor underneath his locker

“What do you want, Charlie?”

“Are you okay?” She asked gently, dropping down to his level, holding his arm in her hand,

“Yeah. Peachy.”

“No you're not, what's wrong?”

“Head hurts.” He grunted,

“Besides that.”  She said sternly, “what's wrong?”

“I just… Is Cas… with Crowley hanging all over 'im, I just, it's hard to watch, and with my headache it just… I couldn't stay in there anymore.” Dean said, Charlie gave him a withered look, pity filled like a depressed doughnut,

“Wanna eat out here instead?” She asked gingerly, he nodded. “Okay, I'll go get our food and come back.”

“Thanks Charlie.”

“Sure, what are queens for, right?” Dean scoffed as she walked off.

“Just because you're writing yourself as a self insert queen in our story for English does not make you one in real life!” He called after her, she turned and grinned and bowed, continuing towards the cafeteria, he winced in recoil at his own voice.

“Hiya boys, just here to grab these bad boys” Charlie said as she approached the table, picking up her tray first and then Dean's, Cas frowned,

“Dean's not coming back?”

“Not feeling well, noise in here making his headache worse.” She gave the half truth skillfully, twisting the truth gently to fit her needs,

“Oh, maybe we should-”

“Cas, you stay, he wanted to be alone.” She said gently, Castiel's frown deepened but he nodded, Gus's hand found Cas’ arm, he ran his fingers gingerly back and forth over the pale skin,

“It's okay, Cassie, you'll see him later.” Charlie frowned,

“Well, I gotta go now. By guys!” She walked off,

***

“One disgusting school lunch AND some ibuprofen at your service.” Charlie set the tray in Dean's lap,

“Thanks Charlie,” he whispered, dry swallowing the pills.

“Don't mention it.” She sat down beside him and tore into her veggie burger.

“S'a stress headache.” Dean slurred, “I get 'em a lot.”

“What's going on, can't be all Cas can it?”

“No, s'not. So uh, my dad, ran over Cas, earlier this year, hit and run. Cas was okay, I took care of 'im it's kinda how we started talking really but my dad, he, he keeps coming home drunk. More and more. And I'm afraid he's gonna really hurt someone next time. I'm worried he'll fuck up and hurt someone, or he'll fuck up and get sent to jail, and me and Sammy'll go into foster care. We'll lose Adam and Jo, my younger brother and sister, and God they're such good kids they don't need his crap on their conscious. I don't know what to do, I'm stressed, and Crowley won't leave Cas alone and I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe anymore, like if I let the air in I'll explode.” He curled in on himself,

“Hey, hey, come here.” Charlie wrapped her arms around him. Alone In the empty hallway beneath his locker she held him until he calmed.

“You need to talk to your boyfriend about Crowley,” she said gently,

“How can I? The best friend turned boyfriend is back, everyone wants that!”

“I dunno, I don't want a boyfriend, but a girlfriend who takes care of me when I'm sick, who hangs out with me and cuddles me and helps me clean my house when I'm too stressed to, and helps keep me safe after a hit and run, is supportive and caring and kind, and - from what I hear from Cas - worth kissing even with a cold- I distinctly recall a tweet that said something to the effect of 'even his sneezes are cute'” Dean blushed,

“I didn't mean to get him sick…”

“That's not the point, the point is, Crowley may be worth loving, but you're worth loving too.”

“Thanks Charlie.”

“Seriously, is you have any lesbian cousins…” she chided, Dean gave her a pseudo scowl, the corners of his lips upturned,

“You'd never know.”

“Dean I am shocked at you, Castiel can't keep all those good Winchester genes to himself.” The warning bell rang and the hallway began to flood, causing Dean to wince again.

“Come on Dean,” Charlie stood and helped him up, “you want to go to the nurse or you want to go to class?”

“I'll be fine, thanks Charlie.”

“Anytime.” She smiled, pulling him in for another quick hug before the two parted.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🎶Talk to me, oooooh talk to me 🎶
> 
> Thanks for the love everyone,
> 
> -Alex


	29. Obligatory Slice of Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, this one's a little short and a little late but enjoy regardless ^-^
> 
> I've got big plans that I'm working out the kinks for, the planning phase is going to be the best few months and I'll start writing this spring if all goes well. 
> 
> I won't quit this story, though it may slow a bit on the updates. 
> 
> Again thank you for your continued readership, I appreciate it highly ❤️❤️

“Hey u ok? Charlie said u felt sick?” sent, Cas himself was a little shaky but was mostly managing, he could usually make it about half way through the day before he started to hurt. The last three periods of the day got a little rough, until he could get home and dose back up.

“Ya, jus a headache dont worry - wont get u sick again” Dean typed back, enfermo en mi cabesa he thought to himself, Spanish class was usually fun but all the chatter was just making his headache worse.

“You okay?” Crowley asked gingerly, attempting not to overstep his bounds, Dean just shot him a glare. “Okay so no.” He turned away.

“:( I'm sorry, how can I help?”

“Come over after school?”

“Okay, I have to stop at home first but yes!” Dean ran his hand through his hair as the class droned on.

“Hey Dean is it ok if Jessica comes over after school?(:”

“U sure thats a good idea Sam?”

“Ya I am, dad won't be home until like 2 am.”

“alright then, sure thing sammy”

“Thanks Dean!!” Dean sighed, dropping his phone back into his pocket, the bright screen was adding to his migraine.

**

“Dean, this is Jess.” Sam said, a blush growing on his tiny cheeks, “Jess this is my big brother De.”

“Nice to meet you.” Dean shook her hand, trying not to wince at the movement. She was blonde with fluffy frizzy curls and a warm, genuine smile, Dean approved so far at least. “Come on guys, let's go home.” the trio began their bus ride home, it seemed Cas was walking today. In actuality he had fallen asleep during class, sleeping through the final bell he had missed the bus entirely.

In a thin sweatshirt with his backpack in tow Cas began the walk home, throwing his headphones in and turning the volume up. Monster by Dodie began playing, recently downloaded onto his phone.

Cas was pretty sure he had PTSD, not to self diagnose but every car that flew past sent his heart colliding with his chest wall, unable to stop no matter how frantically he clutched at it. When he was more depressed he didn't really notice it ( I mean, it wasn't like he wanted to survive at that point  _amnyway_ who cares what the method was?) but now that how funk had partially cleared the fear was intoxicating and Castiel was an addict.

“Tell me again, about how it hurts, being awfully loud, for an introvert.” Castiel sung, trying to tune out the stress constricting around his lungs. He mouthed along to the lyrics, as vehicles of different lethalities passed his shaking frame. Cas felt shivers chasing one another down his spine in a playful game of anxiety tag. He was almost home. Almost.

Halfway home he dropped in to Cafe Roast, entering the threshold, small air plants and posters for local bands plastered the walls, fairy lights were draped haphazardly along the crease where wall met ceiling, and soft alternative music played through the speakers mounted to the walls. One had a stuffed frog lackadaisically draped over it, another had hearts painted unevenly across the side. The whole room was painted honey yellow with brown accents, Cas felt warm and invited into the space.

He walked up to the register, he could feel his nose running uncontrollably as his head throbbed, damn withdrawal. He pulled a tissue from his pocket gingerly up to his nose as a barista turned to face him,

“How can I help ya today?”

“Um,” he started, staring up at the menu as she stacked cups in the background, he finished wiping his nose and dropped the tissue into his pocket, “I'll take a mocha.”

“Perfect, can I get a name?”

“James.” He said,

“Hot?” He nodded, “whip?” And again. “Alright James, one hot mocha with whip coming your way.” She flashed a smile. He smiled back, taking a seat at an empty table.

“James!” The name rung out, he grabbed his warm cup and left the store, finding his way home.

He walked up the porch steps, the creaked underfoot as he pulled out his keys and let himself in, he was assaulted with heat, did he forget to turn down the thermostat last night? He was lost in thought when he was grabbed, freezing in place as arms snaked around him.

“Castiel!” His mom sung, squeezing him tightly. A shiver ran through him as the words reverberated against the knives jammed into his cranial wall.

“Hey Mom,” he winced, sniffling as she rocked him back and forth, “you're back early.” He grimaced,

“Just me, your dad is still a few days out. He relaxed incrementally,

“Let me just go put my stuff down, and, shower.” He said quietly, slinking out of her grasp and bounding up the stairs. He quickly locked himself in the bathroom throwing his bag into his room. He slammed open his drawer, pulling his box out and dropping it to the counter, pausing to run start the tap. He wasn't ready, the house wasn't ready, his health was shot, old habits die hard so they say. Cas poured a line onto his phone screen and snorted it up, and as the euphoria sunk in a blade sunk in to his thigh. The bright burn of cool metal caressing skin filling his brain with the endorphins it had been missing.

“dean cnt come ovr sry moms home.” He typed out quickly before dropping in to the shower. Blood ran in rivulets with the shower water down his bare thigh as he scrubbed his body, allowing time for the drugs to really take effect. When he felt well enough he exited the shower, pulling his jeans swiftly over the three diagonal slices in his thigh with a quick stinging motion.

“:(“ Filled his phone screen,

“Fel btr” Cas typed back, he certainly did. He finished dressing and came downstairs to his waiting mother. A bright smile plastered to his features as he entered the room, she smiled brightly back,

“Cassie I missed you.”

“I missed you too, mom.”

“So what would you like to do?” She gleamed,

“Well, there's someone I want you to meet but he's not feeling the wellest right now, we could go to the diner and get milkshakes?” He was practically bouncing In place, his mom smiled warmly and nodded,

“Sure things sweetheart, and tell your little friend to feel better.”

  



	30. Oh Good Gussy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I wasn't abandoning this, just can't keep pace to what I was doing while taking on new projects. Expect probably once a week to once every couple? I'm thinking I can maintain that without a problem :)
> 
> **There are about seven chapters left in this story to come and a surprise at the end xoxo** 
> 
> Annnnnywaayyyyys, enjoy, kudos, comment, sub, you know.
> 
> Tell me what you think, like, don't like, wanna see next?
> 
> Love you all ❤️❤️😘😘

Cas and his mom found themselves at an unassuming diner across town, The Dog's Daze Diner. It was a dingy place, lazy table settings and old very used furniture filled the space, dim lights and dusty furnishings only added to the unkempt look the diner had. His mom had picked it, a “try something new!” adventure. What Castiel wasn’t expecting was their waiter,

“Hello, my name is Gus I'll be your server today.” Cas looked up, his jaw became acquainted with the table. He was up, and when he was up his inhibitions were down, and so Castiel smiled brightly,

“Mom, you remember Gus right? My ex boyfriend?” He said,

“Yes, hi Fergus sweetie.” she said gently, apprehensive at the situation but only marginally so, Cas seemed okay, so she relaxed.

“What can I get you today?” He asked gently, smiling at the pair and taking down their orders as they relayed them,

“I'll be right back with those drinks.” Gus said as he walked off,

“Are you and Gus better now?” His mom gently prodded, their friendship and falling out had had an immense on Castiel when it had happened, that she remembered clearly.

“Yeah Mom, we're doing well.”

“Good. I always liked that boy, it was too bad when he fell in with the wrong crowd.” Castiel winced at that. The conversation continued, and Crowley returned, gently placing the beverages on the table. He placed Cas’ first and went to place Cas' mom's when he gently bumped Cas’ drink. In slow motion it teetered off the table and fell onto Castiel's lap. Cas hissed, standing, as Gus's eyes bugged.

“I am so sorry here let me help you” he said In a nervous fluster, grabbing paper towels and dabbing at Cas’ thigh, Cas was frozen until Crowley hit a line, when he hissed in pain and ricocheted back, getting quickly away. Crowley's eyes first narrowed in confusion and then widened in understanding, shooting Castiel a frustrated look,

“Here, let me get you more paper towels, there's a roll in the back.” He said quietly, a rigidness taking him over.

“That was weird.” His mom commented,

“Yeah, no doubt.” Cas responded, ultimately confused by all of what just happened. Cas finished cleaning up with the new roll of paper towels provided by Crowley, and things returned to normal. The rest of the meal went off without a hitch, their burgers were so so as that seemed to be the restaurant's theme, their conversation followed an easy cadence. Phones were ignored, humanity was shared, and Fergus didn't ruin it. Cas was flying high, he talked about Dean, he talked about their first kiss, talked about how him and Sam helped tidy the house - maybe leaving out how bad he let things get, he talked about his many siblings and how his eyes sparkled when he had a new idea, he talked about his writing project with Benny and the hell they were putting their main character Clay through. He told her about how Dodie released a new EP and what he liked about it, he told her about how he spent Christmas with Dean and Benny, coating his entire year in sugar, letting the flies die in the sickly melted sugar casing. He didn't tell her about the car accident and accompanying bruising, didn't tell her about the bullying, didn't tell her how sick he had gotten, or how he had had hypothermia and a fever for the majority of Christmas. He didn't tell her about being drugged, and definitely didn't mention loving it. She had caught him sniffling a bit, he played it off as a cold, he was immunodeficient after all, and she bought it hook line and sinker. He loved her, and because he loved her he couldn't allow her to so the horrors lurking just below the surface.

In turn she told him about Egypt, and Syria, and Iran, she told him about the treasures they had found. A jewel encrusted goblet from a tomb in Egypt, a Clay tablet that was carbon dated back to the Sumerian age, a hand carved metal vial on a necklace chain used to slip poison into drinks - poison residue still traceable inside. Castiel listened with awe, his mind elevated and dancing with the imagery his mom provided. It was exciting and adventurous, not the mundane world Castiel lived in. His mom was exciting, and Cas was just some worthless addict… addicted to pain… to coke…to anything that could artificially snuff the emptiness in his life, could mask it, fill it, bury it, take it away. The holes burnt and smoldering in the fabric in his life, growing larger and larger as the embers ate the area around them, and one day everything would be gone, and all that would be left was a broken man, with broken dreams and a broken soul.

When food was eaten and the bill was paid the pair went home, Cas was giggly but nervous, was he too apparent? Was his mom catching on? Thinking through these questions pooled and weighed on Castiel's brain, they pulled out the self destructive side of Cas’ poor crushed mental state. He excused himself upstairs, claiming he was tired and wanted to shower after the soda spill, and locked himself away in the bathroom. Alone he stripped down, peeling the sticky clothes from his body, the cuts adorning his thigh seemed inflamed - he imagined soda wasn't the best salve. He turned the tap on, allowing the bathtub to fill and pulled his box out, laying it gingerly on the side of the tub. He would need to buy again soon, Cas ran his fingers through his hair nervously, with his parents home things would prove much more difficult. A shiver rolled through his body before he stepped into the hot water, allowing his body to relax in to the soak. His cuts were deep enough that they stung as the water enveloped them. Dean was going to kill him. Cas pulled headphones over his ears, and the blade into his icy fingers. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with it yet, he wasn't sure which set of lines would fix this. Cas played with the wires of his headset, twirling them around the fingers of his free hand, Cas sighed, and made a decision. He put the blade down, and picked up his phone, scrolling through his contacts and hitting call. The dial tone played and ringing commenced, reverberating in his ear. After a few moments the phone call was answered,

“Cas?” A groggy voice asked,

“Hey Dean, I'm sorry did I wake you?”

“Yeah but s'ok, what's up?” He asked, his voice raspy,

“I just wanted to talk to you,” he said gently, he could hear Dean wincing on the other end of the phone, “you ok?” He asked gently,

“S'a migraine, no big deal.”

“Do you want me to let you go?”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I'm okay.” Cas lied,

“Then if you don't mind.” Dean said gently, “the lights and the sound is makin’ my head throb.”

“Go back to bed Dean, I'll talk to you later.”

“Bye Cas.” The call ended, Cas sighed to himself, so lines? He asked himself, re-positioning the razor between his fingers. Lines it is, he decided, slicing another long gash into the meat of his thigh. Thick thighs save lives, bloody ones need more time at 350°, and man was that razor burning.

  



	31. Roman Style Rocky Mountain Oysters - Roasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!!
> 
> Washington is under a winter storm warning so no work today, so have another chapter on the house ^-^
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> CommentxKudosxSub
> 
> Love you 😘😘

A train wreck doesn't happen at the expected cadence of the universe, it happens slowly, the conductor pulls the breaks and sparks caress the foliage near the metal tracks, cries of struggling wheels hiss into the open air, the train falls together, careening forward where it will inevitably come to a stop, either in the natural time of the breaks, or the unnatural timing of collision. Castiel's breaks had been pulled, and now the runaway train his life had become was skittering toward a halting stop. The question would remain, which cadence would Castiel choose.

His mom had been home a few days when she met Dean for the first time. When school let out Cas and Dean went home, Dean made sure to drop Sam off at home - they could meet another time. He put on a nice button up, some jeans that didn't have quite so many holes in them, and his dad's leather jacket, still too big on him but better than anything he personally owned. He combed back his hair, it still stuck up in all the right places but looked less messy, and then he left. Walking the short distance to the Novak household, he knocked on the door, pulling at the hem of his shirt in a bout of nerves, shifting his weight from one foot to the other while he shivered waiting on their porch. The door opened to Mrs. Novak, she had blonde hair and kind blue eyes but a frown creasing her face. Dean froze, as if somehow his appearance was causing the offending expression, “come in dear,” she said gently. Dean nodded, walking into the room where his jaw fell open.

“Castiel, the hell happened to you?” He asked, eyes wide with shock,

“Hello, Dean.” He said gently, a bag of frozen peas held up against his right eye that was already being enveloped in a large bruise,

“Cas?!” He yelled, waiting for an explanation, Cas looked over to his mom, letting out a sigh his body seemed to shrivel as he began speaking,

“So, Al and Gus backed off of me, but Ian took over that group.. He and Bela and Arthur, Lucien, Josie… Same damn group new leader.” He grumbled, shifting “ _ah-hu!_ ” His voice caught in pain with the movement, he hissed as he slowly settled back down to a manageable position.

“When?”

“They were waiting for you to leave” he said glumly.

“I'm sorry Cas” he said gently, moving over to his boyfriend to rub gentle circles on his back,

“S'not your fault.”

“Castiel we need to go talk to someone about this.” His mom said quietly, Dean grabbed his hand and gently ran his thumb over the cold skin.

“We'll back you, Cas.” He said gently, kissing his cheek, all the while blushing profusely.

“Okay.” He said quietly, eyeing the two of them.

“Come on Castiel, let's get in the car.” His mom said, lips taught and expression haunting.

“C'mere Cas” Dean said gently, offering his shoulder, Cas stood and with Dean's help they hobbled to the car.

Normally stuffed into the garage his parents’ 2002 minivan sat untouched for the majority of the year, Castiel was more than aware it was for ‘emergencies only’ and truth be told he didn't want to be seen in it anyway. The group piled in, Mary behind the wheel, Dean and Cas in the back. The engine stalled twice before grumbling to a pathetic start and Mary began cruising down the road towards Strawberry Mansion High. When the group arrived at the school the halls were essentially empty, winter sports had just concluded and the spring seasons didn't start for a few more weeks, tired teachers and custodial staff were the only occupants, and Mrs. Novak was ready. Angrily she paced towards the principal's office, Dean and Castiel trailing slowly behind. Dean and Cas entered the small office to a shouting Mrs. Novak,

“-and as a student of this establishment he deserves treated with more respect than the establishment ignoring blatant bullying, both physical assault and cyber bullying,”  Dean's eyes raised at that comment, Cas looked away, Dean didn't have twitter, he had no idea how bad things got in the sub tweets war-zone. “-that's more than ample reason to pull my son from your school, do you understand what that means? I don't think you do. Your budgets are subsidized highly by my husband and I, we donate buckets to this school and in turn we expect that our son and the other students will be safe here. I want them expelled, I want every single one of them expelled.” She was fuming, her chest raising with every breath, her eyes filled with fire.

“Mrs. Novak I can assure you we take Casteel's safety-”

“Castiel” she growled,

“Right, yes, his safety of the highest importance and-

“I reported this already, nothing changed.” Castiel spat,

“I'm sorry son but the records show you have ne-”

“Yes he has.” A new presence entered the room, “I helped him fill out the paperwork.” Mr. Turner said, a calm anger filling his calm and collected attitude.

“Mr. Turner, this is a private affair an-”

“He stays, Dick.” Mrs. Novak said, authority taking root in her voice.

“He did, he helped me fill out the papers. You told me to brush it off.” Cas said, anger in his eyes as he leaned into Dean, he was tired, his head pounded, he needed drugs, but this needed to be settled first.

“They're all expelled, or you lose the Novak Grant. That's final.”

“Of course, Mrs. Novak.” He resigned, Dean smiled, kissing Cas’ forehead, it was sweaty and clammy but he didn't mind, and to Cas, Dean's lips felt like heaven.

***

“So Dean, tell me about yourself.” Mrs. Novak said around a mouthful of steak,

“I mean there's not a whole lot to tell, my mom died when I was young, it's been me and my dad and my brother Sammy 's long as I can remember, I found out recently I have two other half siblings, Adam and Jo, both good kids. Uh, I um, I like rock music, and cheesy movies. When Cas wasn't feeling so well we had a slasher movie marathon, he was hiding in my chest the whole time.” He said with a laugh, Cas just scowled, “hey, you feeling okay?” Dean asked gently, seeing the look on Cas’ face. He was pale and covered in sweat, almost green,

“I'm fine, thank you Dean.” He said, with almost annoyance in his tone.

“Okay.. Sure.” He said, Cas’ mom just smiled at him, shooting Cas a look,

“He's always been a grumpy one.” She said apologetically,

“Don't I know it” Dean laughed out, “he wasn't too happy about the marathon but per the deal we made we did a Disney marathon after so he had a good enough time.” Dean said with a smile, “thank you for the food, Mrs. Novak, this is excellent.” He said genuinely,

“Thank you Dean, but can me MaryAnne, or Mary is fine, Mrs. Novak sounds like the old lady from down the street,” Dean's jaw fell a little,

“You don't say.” He gulped, “that was my mom's name.” He said softly, MaryAnne smiled gently,

“Well then per Mary code I have to watch out for you, because we Marys have to look out for each other, right?” She said with a smile, Dean's smile turned watery, he looked away, and choked out a soft

“Yeah, yeah they do.” Wiping nonchalantly at his nose and cheeks. When he looked back at the group his eyes had reddened, he cleared his throat, “You'll have to meet Sammy sometime.” He said quietly, “he would like you.”

“Oh, I think I spoke with him on the phone, actually, I'd love to meet him.” She said, the group finished dinner and after a goodbye kiss Dean went home, his heart felt full but concern was still coursing through his veins, something was wrong with Castiel, he didn't know how he know, he could just feel it.


	32. Anna, Are You Listening? It's Me, Castiel...

Azure blue eyes scanned the class, the encouraging smile from Dean, the thumbs up from Benny, the sly grin from Charlie, the encouragement of Mr. Turner, Castiel was the last one to present, and so he cleared his throat one last time, sniffed and began:

 

“Twisting vines caressing gates swathed in frayed light,

Drenched in cool air and careless stares scurrying humans and damned creatures of the night scurry and skitter past.” Cas looked up nervously, then back down to his page,

“Grayness out of depth, out of life,

Of heartless cobbles and tyrannical paths characters warm,

Warm with the heat of the moment,

of the penchant for vengeance,

Of the love lost in whispers and stares to the crisp winter air.

Boards oozing shadows from damned cracks and dazzling lies set our desperate scene, a scene of rock and cobble, a scene of Clay.

Muted browns and broken stares, shrunken sighs and hopeless whispers wrap our hero, a sweater sewn of a destructive potency a settler would share gladly.” He paused again to scan the room, going back to his work,

“Hope. A simple word a peasant man had no way of understanding, bars of wrought iron and ceilings of glass barring his entry, the golden gates do not pity, they only protect.

Protect the golden Gods from the brokenness attempting to ascend. Protected from the rabble of the Earth the rabble of Clay.” He paused again, Benny gave him a small smile and Castiel continued,

“Fervent and failed attempts prior harbored hope, taken captive in ages past, never returned not really.

To return hope to the people, a cause so noble and pointed yet repeatedly fruitless. A challenger in Clay approaches the marred steps, bravery In hand, he begins to ascend.” Castiel finished, blushing furiously as he closed the cover on the printed pages. The class erupted in the usual bored applause, this had been the final presentation, and Castiel had delivered.

 

“Excellent work Castiel, Benny, I look forward to reading the rest of it.” Mr. Turner said, grabbing the booklet from Cas, Cas smiled, returning to his seat, running his sleeve under his nose and dropping his cheek to his fist.

“Class, you're projects we're excellent, I'll be going through them and will return them to you graded next month.” Mr. Turner added as the bell rang, the class awoke from their bored slumber and swarmed the empty halls.

The school seemed emptier to Cas, his usual tormentors, save Gus and Alastair, were gone. The taxation of stress that used the charge his breaths had dissipated, the ghosts of hands on his shoulders, the whispers of comments in his ears, it had gone, and in its stead a calmness lay. It was anxious, but it was kind.

“Cas!” Dean grabbed him and pulled him in for a kiss,

“Hey Dean” he mumbled into his lips

“Hey, no PDA!” A random teacher called out, and Dean begrudgingly pulled back.

“That piece was incredible, I mean I'm no writer but, damn man you are.” He said cheerily,

“Is that what that kiss was for? My writing chops?”

“No, course not, I just, I got to thinking about how proud I am o’ you, all the things that happened since I've known you, since last year, and I just, you've done so well.” He said, happiness seemed to flow through his body, simultaneously an immense guilt washed over Cas, “what's wrong?” Dean asked gently, Cas just shook his head,

“Nothing, I'm, it's fine, you're still coming over after school right?”

“Yeah, course after I drop Sammy off, your sure you're okay?”

“Yeah, Dean, of course I am.” Cas pecked Dean's cheek, leaving Dean to wipe the dribble of snot off his cheekbone as Cas walked away.

***

“Hi,” Cas said, shuffling in place on the dewy grass, “I know I haven't come to visit in a while… but I thought… I don't know… I thought you'd be someone good to talk to.” Castiel said, sitting on the snow tipped grass. He wrapped his arms around his knees, ditching 6th for this, good call, not… “I'm, I'm in a bit of a mess.” He started, “I… I.. there's this guy, his name is Dean, and I think If you meet him you'd love him.” Cas said sheepishly, rubbing it his sleeve, “I, I don't know, I haven't said much, but I think I do… Love him that is… but. I'm not good anymore.” He said, sadness taking a firm grasp over his tone. “I'm sick, not, not like those colds I would always get… I'm sure you remember all that… I, I'm actually quite a bit better from what you would recall.” he said, a melancholy not in his tone but in his eyes, in his sighs. “Anna I'm cutting again, and, and I stopped I really did, but then I relapsed and I don't know what to do.” He dropped his eye sockets into his palms, “and, God, I, cocaine.” He spat out, as if the word would burn the ground beneath him, “I'm on fucking cocaine. And I could blame your brother, or I could blame bullies, or I could blame Alastair for giving it to me in the first place, for drugging me against my will in the first place, that… They was bad…. That was the day I had my first kiss with Dean... He had a cold, but I made him kiss me anyway, you would've smacked me if you were still around, I got pretty sick after that.” He blushed, “it was still worth it.” He paused, brushing snow off the grave marker, “I miss you,” he said quietly, “I wish you were still here, I know I was Gus's friend first, but your were like the sister I never had.” His throat grew barbs, catching his voice as it struggled to escape, “I don't know what to do.” He whispered, “I know, I know, the first thing you would tell me ‘get out of the cold dumbass’, I know, and I will.” He whispered, “I just, I needed to talk to someone, and I don't need to hear that I'm crazy, or that I need therapy, or that I need to go to rehab, I, I know all that. I just… I needed someone to hear me, and not to judge me, I don't know, even alive, I don't, I don't think you'd judge me Anna. That's why I'm here. I miss you.” He whispered, “you'd, you'd be happy to know Gus is coming back into my life, you remember how I told you about what happened with us… at least I hope you do. I have to hope you do.” A shiver ran through Cas’ body. “I'm sorry, you two always used to do your best to take care of me, and this is how I repay you…”  he ran his fingers across the grave marker, feeling the indents of the dates and her name, Anastasia Marie Crowley. A strong gust of wind picked up, blowing through Cas’ admittedly thin jacket,

“Okay, okay, I get it, I'm going. I love you, I'm sorry. I'll get better… I promise you.” He whispered, standing up and exiting the graveyard.

**

“Where were you during sixth today?” Dean asked gently, looking at the very pale, exhausted looking Castiel,

“Visiting an old friend,” he croaked, “come in.” he opened the door.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked gently, laying his hand on Cas’ arm,

“No,” he said quietly, grabbing Dean's hand and pulling him upstairs. “Wait here.” He said, leaving Dean on his bed. Cas walked to the bathroom and grabbed his box, “Dean, I lied to you.” He said quietly, looking down at the box, he opened it to reveal the last blade, alone in the center of the box. “I'm so sorry.” He whispered as tears began to envelop his bright blue eyes. Dean frowned but said nothing, “this is the last one I swear, and I stopped I really did but, but then I relapsed and, and…” he couldn't keep going, he fell into a mass of tears. Sobbing and standing in the middle of the room, the now closed box dropped to his thigh still clenched tightly in his right hand.

“Hey, hey come here.” Dean said gently, wrapping his arms around Castiel's shaking frame. “Hey shh, it's okay, it's okay, I'm here.” He whispered

“I'm s-so s-sorry, it’s n-not okay I know it's not” he choked out into Dean's shoulder,

“Hey, hey, shh, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere it's okay.” He whispered gently, running his hands through Cas’ hair, “we're gonna get you through this.” He kissed Cas’ temple.

“Dean,” he whispered through the cascading tears “I love you.” Dean pulled back, placing his fingers gently under Cas’ chin and gently pulled it up to look at him, red eyes and tear tracked cheeks looked devastated, that is until Dean whispered,

“I love you too, Castiel.” Dropping a kiss to his lips.

“I want you to take this, the, the blade, I want the box, but I want you to get rid of it. I want to be done with all this.” He whispered, “I'm so tired Dean. I'm so fucking tired and I want it all to stop.” The two boys sat on the bed,

“You sound depressed, Castiel.” He whispered gently, dropping a kiss to his forehead, “me taking this, won't fix that.”

“I'll get better.” He whispered, Dean looked dubious but nodded,

“Okay, I'll take this tonight when I go home, you'll never see it again.” He said gently,

“Dean, Castiel” a voice called from downstairs, Cas wiped the tears off his cheeks,

“mom's home,” he whispered “let's go downstairs.” Holding hands, the two boys, emotionally unburdened, descended the stairwell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought,
> 
> Like it? Didn't like it? What would you change? What would you do next? 
> 
> Talk to me ❤️
> 
> As always thank you for your time,
> 
> I love you ❤️❤️
> 
> \- Alex


	33. Dad, I Think I Love Her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Seattle has been under Winter Storm Warning for the last, like two weeks, so I've been stuck at home. 
> 
> Boring for me, good for you because I had more writing time!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this unusually long (for me) chapter, and I'll still see you for our weekend update ^-^ 
> 
> Love, Alex

The weekend started the same as any other, Dean and Castiel attached at the hips. Or maybe it was the lips. Or maybe it was both. This is an unreliable narrator who lets the secrets of love lie solely in the minds and hearts of those beholden to it. All the boys could tell you was that is that if there was skin it was kissed, or caressed, or touched. Castiel was high on life, and maybe high on other things, and the euphoria of chemicals and the euphoria of touch intertwined into something intense. It was beautiful, it was love. They stayed that way for hours, talking out the deepest shadows of their lives. They shared secrets and held hands and snuck kisses that no eyes but their own would share. When the afternoon came and Castiel's mom came home the boys emerged, fuzzy pajamas dragging over top of icy toes, flushed cheeks and messy hair abound. Mrs. Novak just smirked,

“Good morning boys.” She chidded, Castiel stretched, his shirt rose with his arms to uncover a faint happy trail. Dean smirked,

“Don't sexualize me” Cas scoffed playfully.

“Put it away boys, you have visitors.” She chidded as Charlie and Benny emerged from the front entry.

“Hi guys.” They said cheerily, “your mom let us in” Charlie added with a smile, “we can go if you need though.” She winked, Dean grinned at her, Castiel just blushed further. Cas cleared his throat,

“I'll just go get dressed then.” He choked out, Charlie and Benny laughed, Dean looked mildly disappointed. Cas skittered up to his room, grabbing clothes and quickly scurried into his bathroom to dose up before he came crashing down with his friends in the room.

When Cas emerged, nose bleeding and face waxy and wan a look of concern shot through Dean,

“Bubped id pudding mby shirdd ond” he garbled out, Dean nodded, the frown never leaving his face. He was going to have to start injecting he couldn't keep this up… Dean shot another worried look his way

“I'mb finde” he mumbled,

“I look away for two seconds…” Dean grumbled under his breath,

“Comb ond guys, leds go upsdairs” Cas added, rotating the tissue on his pinched nose.

The group followed Castiel up to his room, one of the warmer rooms of the unusually cold house. Regardless, Dean instinctively wrapped a blanket around Cas’ shoulders.

“Thagks Deand” he said quietly. Dean smiled at him.

“So, no offense, what are you guys doing here?” Dean asked, not in an unkind way but one rife with confusion,

“Really, Dean?” Charlie asked with a laugh, looking between the two, who shared the same lost expression. “You seriously forgot? Movie night? It's been planned for like two weeks.”

“I brought the popcorn!” Benny chimed in, holding up two microwave packets in glossy packaging.

“Oh, duh.” Cas gurgled, he had forgot.

“Busy morning.” Dean mumbled, blushing wildly.

“What did we agree to watch?” Cas asked,

“Remember? We were talking about how you and Dean hadn't seen-

“Cas, I'm leaving, I'll be back in a few hours.” Cas’ mom called up the stairs,

“Okay mbomb” Cas yelled back down,

“Anyways,” Charlie began again, “we were talking about how you hadn't seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off and agreed to do a movie night, but Benny had work and I had family stuff so we couldn't schedule it until now.” Charlie shrugged.

“I take it you boys didn't get the movie like you promised?” Benny laughed, Cas shrugged,

“We could walk to the store?” Cas suggested,

“Yeah, not gonna happen.” Dean stepped in, “between the blood and the sniffling all morning there's no way I'm letting you walk anywhere outside for any duration of time.” Dean said gently, Benny awwwed, Charlie stuck her fingers down her throat, with an eye roll and an exaggerated gag.

“I'm not sick Dean.”

“Well maybe I don't want to go outside, maybe I'm getting sick, you think about that one wise guy?”

“You wouldn't have spent all morning kissing me if you were.” Cas dead panned, Benny and Charlie exchanged glances, doubling over in laughter,

“He got you good, Winchester.” Charlie choked out between fits of giggles.

“We can leave you to it if you want?” Benny suggested with a laugh,

“No, no, it's fine, but we don't have the movie.” Cas said, tossing the bloody tissue In the trash, “we don't really have board games either… uh, party games maybe?”

“We could play truth or dare?” Charlie piped up,

“I don't trust you red, but fine.” Benny said, a slight look of jovial mistrust playing with his features.

“Boys?” She asked, a mischievous smile playing at her thin lips.

“I'm in,” Cas said lightly.

“Fine. Nothin crazy.” Dean grumbled.

“Awesome bitches, I'll go first. Benny - truth or dare?” Charlie asked, Benny paused for a moment before deciding,

“Dare.”

“I dare you to hold Dean's hand for the rest of the game, no matter what happens, you hold that boy’s hand.”

“That all? Cake.” Benny said, scooching next to Dean and grabbing his warm hand, intertwining his fingers in Dean's, much to Dean's embarrassed blushing.

“So is it my turn then?” Benny asked, the group shrugged, “alright, I'll take it. Dean, truth or dare?”

“Dare.” He said, he could smell Benny they were so close, it wasn't uncomfortable, but it was odd.

“I dare you to,” Benny paused, examining the room for viable options, “make out, with that pillow.” He said, pointing to Castiel's pillow on his bed. Castiel was immediately thankful that he had dumped all of his razors as Dean removed the hiding place from Cas' bed.

“Hey sexy,” Dean said gently, staring lovingly at the pillow, “I don't see you around here very often.” He paused, “oh me? Nah see I'm new in town, and I'm always looking for a good time.” Dean licked his lips and growled at the pillow, Castiel awkwardly shifted his own position.

“Well, don't mind if I do miss Pillow, don't mind if I do.” He said, slowly leaning in, his eyes closed as he made contact with the pillow. He moved around as if human lips were on the other end, making delicious groans of pleasure, Castiel was mesmerized.

“Hey, my eyes are up here.” Dean said over top of the pillow, winking at his now very red boyfriend. He tossed the pillow back to the bed, applause erupted from the small group.

“My turn then?” He grinned, “Cas, truth or dare?”

“Uh,” he paused, “truth.”

“Okay, um,” Dean paused, reveling in the anxiety he could feel rolling off Castiel,

“What is the worst thing you've ever done?” He asked, a genuine curiosity flitting across his eyes, Cas sighed, it wasn't law that you had to be honest… but Castiel looked Dean in the eyes, cleared his throat, and spoke with a soft fierceness,

“Cocaine.” Dean's eyes widened considerably, Charlie and Benny were also dumbfounded,

“Charlie, truth of dare?” Cas asked, ignoring the shock across the room and continuing the game. The room calmed, the night wore on, Benny's hand never left Dean's, Charlie had to prank call the local Taco Bell, Cas had to do a strip tease, and those were some of the more tame requests made within the small group of friends during the silly game. Cas was smiling ear to ear when he heard the front door slam shut, followed by a sharp

“CASTIEL!” the voice was far too deep to be his mother's. The smile dropped from Castiel's face, his jaw clenched and his eyes morphed into miniature moons, bright and blank. He scrambled to get his shirt on,

“I didn't know he was coming tonight.” Cas hissed, “you should go. All of you. Especially you.” Cas said, looking at Dean, who looked hurt. “Come on” Cas said from the door's entry, looking back at his friends, “let's go meet Mr. Novak.” Cas sighed, this was not a good time to be coming down, but if his dad caught him high? That would be the end of him. Castiel shuddered, walking downstairs with a trail of friends he would likely never see again.

“Sir.” Castiel said, standing at attention,

“Son,” Mr. Novak replied, eyeing his friends,

“They were just leaving sir.” He said quietly, Mr. Novak nodded and waved them away in dismissal.

“Boy, come, help your mother set the table for dinner.”

“Yes sir.”

“Permission to stay for dinner sir?” Dean asked quietly, holding out his hand. Mr. Novak's brow piqued,

“Permission granted.” He smiled, and shook Dean's outstretched hand, “I like your friend son.”

“Military father sir, Marines.”

“Excellent.” Mr. Novak said, clapping a hand on Dean's shoulder, “Just the type my boy should be friends with.” Dean bit his tongue, the drunk bastard he called a father deserves no praise, especially after hitting Castiel, and leaving him to die, but Dean didn't figure that would be worth mentioning. Dean and Castiel set the table as Mary finished up dinner. A casserole, with a side of steamed veggies, Mrs. Novak had her best pearls on and had pinned her hair up delicately, allowing the blonde curls the frame her face. Castiel should've noticed this, all of it, but he was too distracted.

“So, Castiel, how have you been spending your year?” Mr. Novak asked boisterously,

“It's been good, sir,” he said sheepishly, a headache beginning to roll into his brain.

“Any sports yet?”

“No sir.”

“Shame, I bet Dean here plays sports. Don't you Dean?”

“I do sir, wrestling, spring season hasn't started yet, at my last school I did pretty well.” He said, embarrassed, this wasn't exactly helping Castiel who was staring daggers into Dean's eyes, but, the praise felt so nice. Warm. Not the drunk ramblings of John Winchester about how shitty he was. He couldn't help it.

“So, how did you two meet?”

“School.” Castiel interjected,

“Castiel, no speaking out of turn, I was asking Dean.” He turned to Dean, folding his hands

“I, uh yeah, school, we ride the same bus in the morning, same stop, we became friends there. Heck when we first started to become friends he came over, helped me take care of my brother when he was sick. He didn't have to do that, just wanted to help.” Dean lied, attempting to somehow speak highly of Castiel; it immediately backfired, as all things do. Castiel hadn't had the chance to warn Dean about that yet...

“Castiel, you know your immune system can't handle that. That was remarkably stupid of you. Do you know how expensive your hospitalizations have been? Pneumonia and bronchitis and 'i couldn't walk I had to call 911’, ambulances aren't  cheap either. How many times have these colds cost us thousands? More than once, Castiel.” Mr. Novak scolded, Castiel just played with a piece of broccoli on his plate, pushing it back and forth, “look at me when I am speaking to you.”

“Yes sir.” He said, looking up momentarily before back down at his plate, he could feel his brain sinking into familiar loops, deep grooves of guilt and faults. He cost his family so much, was he even worth saving? At what point is the price too high?

“So Dean, wrestling, are there any other sports you play?”

“No sir, I used to be a three season athlete but I have to help with my little brother and he hit a hard spell so I had to cut back.”

“A family man,” Mr. Novak said with a smile,

“Yes sir.” Dean responded airily, letting out a nervous breath he had been cradling in his lungs for safekeeping, as if somehow Mr. Novak was doing to steal it away.

“Castiel, you could learn a thing or two from Dean here.”

“Yes sir.” Castiel said, grinding his broccoli down into his plate with his fork.

“Engage, Castiel. So, tell me, any girls come into your life?”

“You could say that.” Castiel said quietly,

“Atta boy, tell me about her.”

“Well,” Cas gulped, and looked at Dean, before back to his father, “she's beautiful, like the kind of ethereal beauty you only find in the best novels, she's a little rough around the edges, had to do a lot for herself growing up, but she can be so soft and so kind in spite of it.” He glanced at Dean again, whose face held a soft expression of wonder, “she's sweet and silly and does her best to help everyone. She's athletic, and smart, I think I might be in love with her.” He said quietly, Mrs. Novak was beaming at Dean,

“Excellent boy, when do I get to meet her?”

“Meet her? Oh uh, she's actually on vacation out of state right now with her family, isn't due back until after you leave. Sir.” Cas said, looking back down at his plate.

“Oh, of course, I see. You're playing it up for me and your friend Dean here, there is no girl is there.” Mr. Novak laughed, “and to think you really had me going there.” he clapped his hand on Dean's shoulder.

“No, sir, there's not a girl.” Dean said, dodging out from under the hand and picking up some plates to take to the kitchen, when he returned he pulled Castiel gently out of his seat and dropped a gentle kiss to his lips, chaste but long enough for the clear indication of romance - Castiel froze in place,

“I'm sorry sir,” Dean spoke, gazing lovingly into Castiel's eyes, brushing his lips with Castiel's leaving dancing tingles on Castiel's skin. “Now if you'll excuse me I have a little brother, who needs help with his homework, to return to. Cas, I'll see ya around.” He hugged the now rigid Castiel and gathered his things, quickly exiting the Novak household. Castiel's head was throbbing, his body nailed to the floor.


	34. Splendidly Typical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMSOSORRYITSLATEIHADHELLAWRITESBLOCKBUTITSALLGOODNOW
> 
> phew
> 
> Now that the apology is out of the way,
> 
> I'm sorry for the content too..
> 
> Enjoy! ^-^~

A weight on his shoulders, a droop in his eyes, the downtrodden frown where a smile used to dance, this is the face of guilt on Dean Winchester. His fuze was too short, and he didn't know what that meant for Castiel… and the guilt of the unknown consumed him. Castiel, who he loved and wanted the best for. And Castiel, who he probably ruined that for. Dean curled further into the ball he had positioned himself into, pulling the blankets closer around his shivering body - dad forgot to pay the power bill again. He had sent Sam to a friend's house overnight under the guise of 'alone time’ to which Sam made a face of disgust and promptly found a place to go. Dean however needed to be home, he had called in a reconnect with the power company and someone had to be here when they showed up just in case.

With the power down he had his phone turned off, Sam was under strict instructions to call the neighbors if something was wrong, and Dean needed his phone on case of emergency. Unfortunately that meant he hadn't heard from Castiel in two days and guilt was a monster of a beast. Dean pulled at the blankets again, he could see his breath in the house, he knew the rules, if it was below freezing they couldn't disconnect, unfortunately they had stopped in the day before a massive drop in temperature and now the shivering teen was quickly transforming into a popsicle. He needed more blankets, but he didn't deserve them. He knew that much. He had probably ruined Cas’ life. You don't just out people. He knew that. Cas would never do that to him. He fucked up. The heat of the moment was too much, the thermometer shattered and the mercury was loose, poisoning the world around him. Unfortunately, Castiel was the one with glass in his skin and mercury curdling his blood. Dean rubbed at his face, guilty thoughts sending his brain spiraling for the tenth time today. He had been reading some book Castiel had told him to read, but squinting at dark pages in the shadows of his home was giving him a raging headache.

 

_“It's a book of poetry, Sara Teasdale, 'I Shall Not Care is one of my favorites, you should page through it, a lot of my inspiration comes from her. If you like what I write, you'll like this.” Cas said nervously, Dean really didn't seem to be the poetry type-_

_“Yeah, sure I'll give it a try Cas” he responded, grabbing the frayed forrest green book and gingerly flipping through the pages, “if it's important to you, it's important to me” he finished, planting a kiss on Castiel's forehead.”_

 

Dean sighed, he had meant what he said, but not at the expense of his now throbbing brain. He'd try again when he had power. Up to 24 hours to reconnect, he shivered again, maybe he could go to-no. No. Someone had to be here when they showed up in case they needed anything or needed access or- he couldn't risk not having power when Sammy came home. Dean rubbed at his goosebumps covered arms, he yearned for a hot shower, warm food, heat, but blankets and shitty candles were all he had.

Dean stood, making his way to the bathroom to take a couple painkillers, he stopped in his tracks when he saw his appearance, his eyes had sunk and beautiful purple and onyx flowers had seemed to bloom in the pits that had been dug, lines had raked their way across his cheek bones, as if fences holding in the garden of flowers. His entire face was so pale, aside from his nose that was a perfect color match for the Final Notice sitting unopened on their dining room table. He looked rough to put it gently. He scrubbed at his unfortunate features with his hands, trying to bring back some color to his face before walking back into the living room. He wasn't successful.

Dean found himself pacing underneath his fleece blanket trying to keep his body warm and his brain occupied, trying not to spiral into another pit of guilt.

He was on his fifth ring around the house when the lights flicked on - seems the technicians didn't need him after all. He scampered quickly over to the thermostat, cranking it as high as the old thing would muster, and then made a beeline for his phone.

The welcome screen stuttered before the picture of Dean kissing Cas’ cheek loaded, Cas had needed a haircut and his black curls fell into his blue eyes. It was right after Cas had had his hypothermia scare, his face was still pretty pale in the photo. Dean sighed as his phone came to life, apps popping up onto the cracked screen that threw spider web like patterns across the faces of the two lovers. The old case was grey originally but just as well dulled with time, the plastic casing chipped and dented from wear. The screen lit up once, twice, three times with allerts; the phone vibrating with each message inbound from Castiel. Flipping through them they started angry, then came down to frustrated, resigned, and then loving? Confusion playing on Dean's expressive face with an 'i lovyouuuyy I cantmrbe mad at yulyyyooouuu!!!😍❤️😋’. He typed out a quick apology and explanation for the radio silence and moved on to the next task, typing a quick 'Sammy wen will u b home’. He set his phone down and curled back up on the couch, despite the climbing temperature it was still much too cold in the Winchester household. He turned on the TV and flipped to some show about two brooding dudes, Splendidly Typical, and let it play in the background. Normally he'd be choking on the angst and gay shit but he wasn't really paying attention. His phone vibrated, he quickly picked it up - it was from Sam - not what he had been hoping for.

'Anytime Dean, hey can Jess come over?(:’

'sure sammy’ and sent. Dean sighed, shivering again, at least the tremors we're calming. The old heater was clicking and groaning under the mighty request but it was managing.

“I love you, I love all of you.” Followed by more brooding stares, Dean snorted

“What a dumb show, miss me with that gay shit, be gone Splendidly Typical” he said, changing the channel. Bi or not sap was not his specialty. Dean's phone vibrated again

'omw home :)’ Sam responded, Dean had a few minutes until Sam and company returned, he knew he looked a mess so despite his own warranted protests he gathered his things and jumped into a frigid shower.

Dean took the fastest shower of his life, though it still wasn't fast enough, by the time Dean escaped the water his body was shaking violently again. His fingers made jerky movements like a broken puppet when he tried to move them, his face had lost two shades of color from the already pale shade it had started at, leaving it a stark white. He quickly dressed and left the bathroom to-

“DEAN!” The scream was one with enough fear to boil blood,

“S-Sammy what's wrong?” Dean stuttered out, forgetting all about his frigid body as he stumbled over to Sam, who was sobbing and screaming, heaving wails escaping as he began to hyperventilate

“JESSICA.” he choked, pointing behind himself, Dean ran for the door and into the yard. The girl was lying on the ground, her head was bleeding profusely and her eyes were glassy, staring up to the starry evening sky. She was positioned under an all too familiar blood spattered black Impala. Dean pulled his phone out immediately calling 911 despite fumbling frozen fingers he quickly punched the number in. Dean heard the dial tone when John trudged out of the Impala,

“Giv’yer ol'man the phone son.” He slurred, stepping over Jessica and into Dean's bubble,

“911 what's your emergency.”

“A drunk driver hit my friend I need you to get here now.” Dean said breathlessly, dodging his dad's hands that were grabbing for his neck,

“Okay son. I'm going to need you to stay on the line. Now tell me what's the address?” Dean relayed all the requested information, all the while dodging his father's labored attacks,

“Don't do this son.” John said, burping alcohol fumes into Dean's face, his delicate features scrunched in response.

“Okay Dad, I won't.” He said, ending the call and putting the phone in his pocket, “let's go inside.” He said, John smiled

“Thatsmaboy.” He slurred, patting Dean on the back and almost faceplanting with the forward momentum. They entered the home and Sam was nowhere to be seen,

“I'll go check on Sam.” Dean said, “you just stay here dad.” John nodded and Dean left for Sam's room.

“Sam.” Dean hissed, his brother came out from under the covers of his bed,

“Is she okay?” He sobbed

“No, Sammy, she's not okay. I've got dad inside I'm keeping him from running but I need you to climb out your window and go sit with Jess until the police come.”

“Dean I can't.” He choked,

“Sammy, you have to be brave, like I was brave for you, and brave for Cas. I need you to go help Jessica.”

“What if she's dead Dean?”

“Then you honor her memory, you stay with her until help comes. I have to go keep dad here, before we add hit and run to the crime list. Go, be the hero Sammy” Dean finished before exiting the bedroom.


	35. Mrs. Novak, There's Something You Should Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, 
> 
> We've passed 100 Kudos!!! What is life??!! Thank you so much for all the love.
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy the next chapter, only a few more left!!!
> 
> Love you -Alex

_I'm sorry sir,” Dean spoke, gazing lovingly into Castiel's eyes, brushing his lips with Castiel's leaving dancing tingles on Castiel's skin. “Now if you'll excuse me I have a little brother, who needs help with his homework, to return to. Cas, I'll see ya around.” He hugged the now rigid Castiel and gathered his things, quickly exiting the Novak household. Castiel's head was throbbing, his body nailed to the floor._

 

Castiel's jaw hung slack, it would blow in the wind given any breeze but alas, he was inside.

“Castiel, to your room.” Mr. Novak said, as Mrs. Novak quickly worked to clear the table. In any ordinary circumstance Castiel would've been bounding up the stairs by now but unfortunately he was frozen in place. “Castiel, your room.” He snarled, as Castiel stood hanging like a limp puppet.

“CastIEL.” He screeched, standing above the frozen boy. He couldn't move, couldn't even breathe. “Pathetic.” He spat, “pathetic little freak, no son of mine does this.” He began muttering as he walked away. Mrs. Novak held enough tension in her slender frame for herself and Castiel, clinging desperately to the dishes she was cleaning. As Castiel resumed humanity, his brain clicked back into gear, his joints oiled, his brain sputtered to a start. He quickly scampered to help him mom.

“What did he do?” Cas asked quietly,

“I'm so sorry sweetie.” Mrs. Novak whispered, wrapping her arm around his shoulder and kissing his temple. The kiss activated Castiel, resurging life in his limp body he burst into tears.

“Mom, I need to go, I need, I need to go.” He sobbed out, grabbing his phone and wallet and running out the door. He could see Dean walking down the road, just a tiny blip about to enter his home. Cas wasn't going to bother him, wasn't going to talk to him, at least not yet.

He pulled his headphones out of his pocket, the place they lived, and quickly shoved the headphone jack into his phone. The volume was high and the beat was loud but it still couldn't block the pain receptors in his brain. It amplified the headache, and his shivers fell in time to the beat. He walked down winding roads and up twisted boulevards in cool winter air, allowing the numbing agent in the cool wind to take effect.

The tremors had stopped by the time he reached the tall brown door on 1312 Pine Drive, he paused, poising his hand in preparation, he let his nerves settle, and he knocked delicately on the door. A few moments of held breath passed and the door opened,

“Castiel, to what do I owe the pleasure?” A twisted ruby red smile blessed unusually pale skin,

“Mrs. Crowley,”

“Poor boy you know it's Rowena to you, always. Come in.” She ushered the frozen boy into her home. “Why are you here, dear?” She asked gently, wrapping a blanket around his shaking frame.

“I need to see Gus.” He said quietly, wincing as his head throbbed.

“Is everything alright?” She asked gently, brushing his shoulder with her slender hand.

“No, it's not.” He whispered, choking on the tears that threatened to make themselves known.

“Castiel?” A confused, pajama clad Crowley made his way down the stairs, “to what do I-” he stopped when he noticed the tears on his sniffling classmate's face. “Wha-what happened?”

“Dad.” He choked out, looking neither of them in the eye. “He, he knows. I-I came here because I didn't know what to do and I-” he paused to look at Gus, “I need to be numb.” He said quietly, looking away once again, “and the cold, helped a little, to, to numb me that is.. But I need you.” he said quietly, his face twitched and he buried it in the blankets. “Gus can we talk, alone.” He croaked,

“Sure thing dear, I'll be upstairs if you need me.” Rowena said gently, rubbing his shoulder once more before gracefully heading upstairs, her nightgown flowing gently behind her.

“I need more, Gus.” He croaked,

“Castiel, seriously? I just gave you more on Wednesday, you can't be out already?”

“I'm out of drugs, out of the closet, and out of hope. We can only fix fucking one of those, so let's fix it shall we?” He agitation setting in as an edge in his already deep voice.

“Cas.”

“Gus.”

“Castiel,”

“No. If you aren't going to help me in going to go elsewhere. Alastair will get me what I need. He always does. I just don't know where he lives and didn't have time to set a meeting up. Give it to me now or I'll get it somewhere else.” He snapped,

“Okay, Cassie, okay. Hold on.” He grumbled.

“Thanks.” He growled. Gus ran up the stairs and Cas too the opportunity to text Dean, it was angry and tense and when he hit send it didn't make him feel better but he let it go through anyway.

“Here Cas, something a little stronger, should help, I'm all out of coke though.” He said, tossing Castiel a pill bottle.

“What is it?”

“Adderall.” Cas nodded,

“This will work. Thank you “ Cas said, standing,

“Where are you going now?”

“I don't know.” Cas said gently, “away for a while.” He whispered.

“Castiel don't do this.”

“I have to,”

“I know what you're doing” Gus blurted out, “I noticed at the diner.” Cas paused, turning to face him,

“You what?”

“I know you're cutting again.” He hissed, Cas didn't deny it, he didn't make excuses, he just looked at the floor in silence and that was all the confirmation Gus needed. “You need help, Castiel.”

“No, I need to stop existing. And well, unfortunately being numb is as close as I can get to that. Last time I tried to pull anything I was found before anything could happen, Dean and Benny saved me. So, since I can't actually die, drugs will have to do.” He bit, Gus sighed, closing the distance between the boys,

“I still love you Castiel, don't do this to yourself.” He said quietly.

“Unfortunately, in part because of you, because of this school and the bullying and the unfortunate temper of one Dean Winchester, I don't have a choice.” He said, not with anger but with the power of the calm before the storm, the storm inside swirling just daring Gus to make a move. He didn't. He let Castiel go. And so Castiel went.

 

**

Gus knocked gingerly on the door, swaying from one foot to the other, anxiety swirling in through is brain, in and out like waves, each new wave bringing a new worry to fuss over. He almost didn't stay, almost. The door swung open and a disheveled Mrs. Novak opened the door,

“Gus, to what do I owe the pleasure?” she half smiled, the bags under her eyes were dark

“Cas didn't come home last night, did he?” Gus asked quietly, she shook her head no,

“There's something you should know, can I come in?” He asked quietly,

“Of course dear.” She said hurriedly as Gus entered the threshold,

“Mrs. Novak, do you know what cutting is?”


	36. Excused From The Table

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is this week's chapter guys, were closing in on the finale. This isn't it, but it's coming. 
> 
>  
> 
> As usual i hope you enjoy,
> 
> Much love, Alex

Castiel could do anything. He could be anyone. He could fly away if he wanted, the schematic for wings was in his brain and Icarus was heading for the sun. He sat on a bus stop bench near Gus’ place, his body shivered but his soul was warm. He watched as busses came and went, opting not to ride. He was listening to the music on his phone, battery dwindling down, he had been out here for hours.

He had popped a pill or two, or maybe a few more than that, and with that clarity he found in synthetics he walked to this little park nearby and took a break. It was late now, two o seven am per his cracked phone screen, he had texted Dean a few times, no response. He had tried to call once, but Dean's phone was off. He revelled in memories, good and bad, stomping around and getting lost in their Technicolor dreamscape.

It wasn't that he was seeing things, he knew what reality was and it was stable, it was that everything was vibrant in a way that made the stars pale and the sun hide in shame. He was happy. He could pretend things were okay as long as the Adderall cradled his brain.

He didn't sleep on the park bench, not really, he just sat through the night, existing in it, feeling the chilly presence of the stars and the moon as he shivered beneath the dim street light.

“Mind if I sit?” A quiet voice asked, what was it three am? Castiel was entranced.

“Go ahead.” He rasped. His voice hadn't been used in hours, his throat had dried, he quickly cleared his throat. The man sat beside him, pulling out a cigarette and quickly lit it, using the palm of his hand to shield it from the wind. He set the filter on his chapped lips, wrapping them gently around the dry paper. He sucked in, allowing the smoke to take residency in his alveoli before letting it go back into the early morning air, in a long slow sigh.

“So how much?” He asked, smoke still rolling off his lips.

“How much?” He asked again, more directly.

“How much for what?” He asked dully, too entranced to care. The man looked around, glancing up at a sign then back to Castiel,

“You're high right?”

“I feel uncomfortable with you asking about my sobriety.” Castiel said dreamily

“And you're _here_ ” he emphasized,

“I mean, are we ever truly _here”_ Cas mused back.

“Look are you gonna suck me off or not?” He sighed

“You think I'm a prostitute?” Cas was awake now, “dude I'm sixteen!?” He yelped, as if the request had caused him pain.

“Nevermind.” The man said quickly, scrambling to put out his cigarette and evacuate the location. “I don't dick with minors.” He continued as he skittered off,

“Most prostitutes are minors.” Cas yelled back, unsure of the validity of the fact but wracked with the need to say something. He laid back down onto the bench, rubbing at his temples with his hands, wimpering quietly.

“What is my life anymore?” He groaned. He didn't get an answer. No calling from above no spirit guide to help him, just Castiel, alone, on a bench in a park.

**

Cas returned home the next day around noon, he didn't say a word when his mother opened the door. Her face was tear stained, sagging and broken. She pulled him into a quick hug, finding herself sobbing into his shoulder as he shivered in her arms.

“Castiel, we should talk.” she said quietly,

“Mom, I'm tired, can I go sleep.” He asked quietly, a tiny cough escaping his throat, she looked up at him and nodded.

“Go rest, baby, we'll talk later.” Cas scrambled up the stairs. He got into his pajamas, a lethargy in his bones and plugged his phone in as he fell into bed.

 

**

Castiel woke from his dreamless sleep even more exhausted than when he first got into bed. His room had gone from filled with bright cold sunlight to being washed in pale moonlight. He pulled up his phone, it read five am, he had slept through to the next day? Shit  Still no word from Dean. Great. Cas sighed, getting up into a sitting position and leaning against his headboard. He leaned over to the floor, twisting to reach his jacket as he pulled out the pill bottle Crowley had handed him, popping a couple before he went downstairs to make breakfast, before the headache came, before the shakes came.

Two (2) eggs cracked in a pan of heated oil, add minced garlic, cumin, paprika, salt, pepper, chilli powder to taste. Toast two (2) pieces of whole wheat bread In your toast-o-matic 10,000, add olive oil mayonnaise (do NOT use regular) to both slices and Hot Ones Los Calientes brand hot sauce to one (1) side of bread. Add egg to bread when complete, garnish with spring of whatever herb you have handy, serve with cold orange juice to stop the cold you feel coming on.

Cas sat, eating his food when his mother entered the room,

“Castiel.” She said quietly, “when your dad gets home tonight we need to have a talk.” She said quietly,

“Where is he now?” Cas asked nonchalantly,

“He went looking for you in Evanston since we used to visit there so often, he opted to stay the night he'll be back this evening.”

“Ah.” Cas nodded, resuming his sandwich.

“Castiel this is serious.” She said quietly, sitting down beside him, patting his thigh softtly, he attempted not to wince. She frowned slightly,”talk to me kid.” She said gently. Cas smiled at her,

“I'm out of things to say, my life isn't that exciting.” He said, returning to his sandwich. She sighed, giving him a side hug before walking away to let him finish his breakfast. Cas spent the remainder of the day in his room as his mother paced the floor downstairs, with every motion he could hear the floor creak, or at least he could until he threw on his headphones and drowned her out, opting instead to clean the entirety of his room top to bottom, re-organizing drawers, rehanging posters, making it sparkle in a way it hadn't in years.

Around four his phone finally vibrated,

‘Hey cas sry bout dinner I got caught up in the moment didnt think bout u shouldve so m sry. Power shut off again couldnt text u. Luv u.. sry. Plz 4giv me.’ Cas was in the middle of texting back when the booming yell of

“CASTIEL!” filled his ears. Fuck. Dad.

“Coming!” He called back quickly, popping a couple more pills before leaving his room.

He found them in the dining room, sitting at the table, the one Sam and Dean had helped clean.

“What's going on?” Cas chirped, his heart was beating a mile a minute.

“Sit down Cassie.” His mom said gently,Cas complied, scooting into the wooden dining chair carefully.

“So Gus came over yesterday morning,” she started, his father just stood, arms folded as he shifted his weight from side to side.

“He had a lot to say.” His dad hissed, Cas frowned,

“We know everything, Cassie.” His mom said quietly,

“E-everything?” Cas stuttered. Mrs. Novak nodded,

“I can explain…” he said, his eyes fell to the table, scanning it for cracks in the wood. His dad sauntered forward and dropped to a squat, looking Castiel in the eyes,

“So is true then?” He hissed, pulling his hand up and slapping full force on Castiel's thigh. Castiel gasped, recoiling back with pain, hissing at his father.

“Useless faggot.” He said through his barred teeth, standing back up and resuming his previous position. Cas recoiled, his thigh was still stinging.

“Castiel, your father and I know about the self harm, Crowley told us all about it.” She said gently, Cas squinted momentarily, then regained his composure,

“Look, mom, I quit, I just relapsed this one time an-”

“No. No son of mine is gonna be a fucking emo freak.”

“Cas, what he means to say i-”

“What he _means to say is_ i'm about to disown you.”

“We talked about this.” Cas’ mom said quietly,

“You're right. We did. You'll be placed in mandatory therapy. We will be finding you a place. If you don't complete the program, you'll be kicked out.” He said, calming slightly

“Yes sir.” Cas said quietly,

“The, homosexuality,” he paused, treating the word as if it were a dirty dripping dish towel held by one ragged corner, “your mother has convinced me to ignore. For the time being. We will revisit this after the mutilation has been sufficiently remedied.” He spat,

“Yes sir.” Cas trembled,

“Your are excused.”

“Yes, sir.” Castiel excused himself from the table.


	37. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much.
> 
> For everything.

When the entropy of the universe calls to you, sometimes you answer, and sometimes you don't. Castiel's entropy was banging on the door, waiting to be let in. After a solid week of awkward glances and disappointed stares from his father, and pitying looks from his mother Castiel actually believed that everything was blowing over. He wasn't going to have to go to therapy - the subject hadn't been breached since the intervention - he was still going to be able to be with Dean, and do things his own pace, his own way. He almost felt relieved, and he had Adderall to thank for it. If cocaine was a high made for lost time and wild rides, Adderall was a pill from the gods, made for faking success and conjuring confidence from the abyss. Entropy be damned. His week had been one of praise and success in passing comments and beaming glances:

“A+ paper, nice work Castiel!”

“Babe, that was the best we've ever…that was amazing.”

“Doing the dishes without being asked? How responsible of you sweetie!”

“Cassie, I saw what you brought to her grave, that was very kind. She thought of you as a brother.”

“Wow finished with your experiment first? And I don't see any errors, excellent work boys!”

“Wait you read that book already? I only lent it to you a week ago, man Dorothy is gonna be stoked we can talk about this!”

“Brother, I'm so proud of how well you've been doing, I can see it, it's like you're glowin’ again. You're back to bein’ you.”

A wave of positivity followed in Castiel's wake, and he was never going to crash.

“I love you.”

Crash, a wave fell to the shore.

“Cas?”

Crash, Castiel's life danced in waves of the tide, waiting to break against the shore.

“Castiel?” Dean asked again, Cas finally looked up at his boyfriend. Concern was written across his beautiful features.

“Sorry, we had a sub in science, watched this weird video about the ocean since it's Friday, I was spacing...”

“Hey it's okay.” Dean said gently, running his hand through Cas’ hair, “you look tired.” He commented,

“M'fine.” Cas grumbled, though admittedly he was feeling more than a little tired. Dean gave a small nod, twitching his mouth to one side,

“If you say so. Now where were we?” He growled, pulling his body back over top of Castiel and dropping his lips delicately to Cas’. Cas kissed back with the fervance of a 20 year old Pomeranian - the unfortunate kisses that resulted were slobbery and unenthusiastic. Dean paused,

“Okay no, you're too tired, I'm going to go, I'll be around again this weekend, and if you're feeling better we can hang out all day.” Dean said onto Castiel's lips, leaving a light tingling feeling dancing across them. Dean made a move to get up, but paused to leave a gentle kiss on Cas’ forehead before picking up his school bag.

“Let me walk you out at-”

“Stay.” Dean said gently, pushing Cas back down, Cas frowned, but nodded in acceptance. He was tired, he could feel exhaustion seeping into the cracks in his bones. Not that his bones were broken, more that he could feel himself falling apart at the seams and was in no power to stop it. He could feel sleep calling his name when his mom entered his bedroom,

“Hey Castiel, dinner is almost ready.” She chimed, Cas just groaned,

“Okay.” He grumbled, a pit of anxiety was bubbling in his chest, acidic and waiting to boil over onto his organs, to break them down, turn him into a nervous puddle.

Cas got out of bed, and made his way downstairs, his brain was running like a record on a loop, the album playing was Anxiety, by Cas and the Failure-Nauts, with such bops as 'Crap, What If They Actually Make Me Go To Therapy’, ‘Dad’s a Homophobe - FML’, ‘Dean Hates U Lol’, and 'Addy Money Got Me Caught Like’. His mind was waltzing from one topic of concern to the next, no pause, finish side A flip to side B and repeat. Picking at his cuticles more than he picked at his dinner, Cas shivered, craving the release of sleep. And drugs. Always more drugs. Coke, Adderall, he didn't care, he just wanted the edge off.

“CASTIEL.” the record scratched as Cas looked up from his plate to his boiling father, “your attention at the dinner table is non negotiable, do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir.” Cas said. He unclenched his jaw - he hadn't realized it had been held so tightly in place but the relief of relaxing it felt truly amazing. If only his brain could relate. He could feel his mood sinking faster than Celine Dion's career post Titanic.

“Cassie, everything alright?” His mom asked gently,

“Yeah mom,” he grumbled, “just tired.” He finished, fidgeting with his sleeves.

“Well once dinner is done you can go to bed.” She said gently, receiving a responding glare from Mr. Novak, “assuming that's alright with your father, that is.” She said quickly.

“Dad?” Cas asked gently, coughing into his elbow.

“Fine.” He grumbled, squinting at the action. Weak, sickly son, that wasn't how this was supposed to be. Cas gave a tiny nod, a shiver ran through his body and he went back to his food. It wasn't what he wanted, it was bland and not seasoned well - parents who don't usually cook; in a shocking turn of events, aren't good cooks.

“Wow, seconds Cassie?” His mom asked gently,

“M'hungry today I guess.” He grumbled. Gonna get fucking fat his mind blurted in unwelcome response… in truth he had lost weight over the recent months but ignoring his frail and thin frame was somewhat of a specialty of his.

“How is Dean sweetie?” His mom asked encouragingly, “he didn't say much to us before he left.”

“Not great, his dad is in jail, bail has been posted at $500,000 on manslaughter charges, they have him staying with some neighbors who used to Foster until they can arrange a more long term family for the duration of the trial. Dean wanted to emancipate himself but that still leaves Sam alone in foster care and he didn't feel right doing that either. He was telling me all about it before he left.” Cas said, talking another bite.

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. They are lovely boys.” She said sadly, Mr. Novak scoffed, but otherwise said nothing. “Who are they staying with?”

“The McNeelys down the road, they have a son about Sam's age.”

“Pity they found a home so close. That won't last.” Mr. Novak commented, causing a wave of silence to befall the table.

“I think I'm done with dinner, may I be excused.” Cas asked, not looking up,

“Go.” His father boomed, a quiet yes sir followed and he scampered off.

Cas sighed, rubbing at his face. He was so tired his bones screamed, his eyes would be the envy of all tomatos looking for that iconic glossy red sheen, and the bags under his eyes were too big - he would have to get his baggage checked. He felt gross, if he was being honest with himself probably getting sick again, not that his family needed to know that. Usually he wasn't quite this exhausted by this point… usually.. but who knows. Cas didn't.

He found himself slowly crawling into pajamas like a snake trying to get back into a shed skin, they were itchy wool, uncomfortable, and too small but it was all he had clean at the moment. He crawled into Dean and called bed, or, wait, he crawled into bed and called Dean, rubbing his forehead in frustration with how muddled his mind was. A couple pills should fix that..

“‘Cas?” A quiet voice asked,

“Hey Dean.” Cas croaked, dry swallowing down the two pills he'd fished out of his near empty bottle.

“Hey babe.. What's going on? Thought I told you to rest?” He asked quietly,

“Nothing…” He said quietly, pausing to cough, “Just missed you, that's all. Parents made me come down for dinner so I'm just up anyway…”

“You okay?” Dean asked after a moment of silence,

“I, yeah, I mean, I might be getting sick but, that's nothing new. That's just my life I guess.”

“It'd help if your parents would update that damn house. It's always so cold and damp in there it can't be helping.” Dean deadpanned,

“Yeah, so uh, I forgot to tell you, earlier but my parents are supposed to head back to work tomorrow, you should come over, I think they said they're leaving around eight am?” Cas asked hopefully.

“Yeah, sure, course I'll be there. Can't leave you on your own like they do now can I?” Dean chuckled,

“Well you could.” Cas said, stifling a yawn,

“You are really tired, you should go to bed.” Dean said quietly,

“Stay on the line with me?”

“Always.”

 

***

 

Cas awoke to the sun shining delicately on his face, his phone call timer reading 12:03:01, and the bite of metal kissing his wrists. He attempted to sit up and was pushed down by a set of gentle hands.

“Good morning sweetie.” His mom said awkwardly,

“Mom, what's going on” Cas asked, his voice diminished to a sad croak over night, she didn't look at him. Her lips pursed as she looked away.

“The best thing for you, sweetie.” She said as if it had been rehearsed. Cas tried to sit up but again was pushed back down. Mr. Novak entered the room and the sun fell behind a cloud.

“Dad?”

“Castiel.”

“What's happening?”

“What needs to.” He said, his voice was a metal baseball bat and it was coming for Castiel's head.

 

***

Dean ended the phone call, it was 8:05 am and time to go.

“Mr. McNeely I'm leaving, I'll check in with you in a few hours.” Dean called out as he threw on his sneakers,

“Be safe, make good choices, tell Cas hello for us!” He called out from behind his newspaper,

“I will!” Dean called, he left the entry, hopping onto Jimmy McNeely's bike and began pedaling towards the Novak household.

 

***

 

“You can't be fucking serious. Mom let me out!” Cas yelled, they had pulled him into the living room and left him on the couch. In addition to his hands cuffed behind his back his ankles we're bound together with rope.

“I'm sorry sweetie, your father thinks-”

“Who the fuck cares what he thinks?! Let me out!” He screeched, Mrs. Novak walked back to the dining room, finding her cup of tea and sipping on it, turning a deaf ear to Castiel's pleas.

 

***

Dean waved to the mailman as he let Dean bike past, jumping a curb his front tire attempted to spin out, he caught it at the last second, swooping low and regaining his balance. He flashed a grin at the laughing postal worker and carried on.

 

***

 

“Please, please, anywhere, not Salvation Therapy, please, please.” Castiel begged through his raw voice, tears now streaming down his face,

“Your father thought it would be-”

“Who cares what he thinks? I don't. Mom I'm going to die, they're going to kill me, please, please, no.” He choked out the words, sobbing and hysterical, fighting as she helped him up. He squirmed, trying to get free, semi successful Mr. Novak stepped in, wrapping his fingers in a locked hold around his arm.

“Son, this is for the best.”

 

***

 

Dean lackadasically passed his old house, crime scene tape still enveloped the yard. A shiver passed through him, Jess' blood was still painting the driveway. Maybe he and Cas and Sam could go visit Jess in the hospital today, well if Cas was feeling up for it. Dean paused, he had supplies in his room for nursing. He veered left, dropped the bike in the weed filled grass and made a beeline for his bedroom window. He carefully slid it open and with a running jump vaulted himself into the room. He shut the window behind him and got to work.

It was cold and dark, but he quickly found his small bag of cold remedies he'd gathered and threw them in a backpack that was haphazardly draped over his bed frame. He threw the bag over his shoulder and let himself out the back door.

 

***

“This isn't fair, you have to let me go, let me be. They're going to kill me.” Cas yelled, a headache taking root in his brain, his mom grabbed the bag she had packed, Mr. Novak held firm to Castiel's arm. “Mom you love Dean, and Sam, why the hell are you going along with this? Conversion therapy is going to kill me.” His mom ignored him, nodding to his dad who dad began pulling him out the front door.

 

***

Dean hopped back onto the bike and began pedaling towards the Novak home, he saw the family getting into the car ready to head back to wherever - but wait Castiel was there?

And Castiel was in handcuffs?

And his feet were bound together?

And Dean could just make out the ‘going to kill me’ that was coming from a squirming Castiel? He pedaled faster.

 

***

Castiel was pushed into the back seat and forcibly buckled in, his jaw dropped as he saw Dean pedaling towards him,

“DEAN HELP.” He began screaming as his mouth was duct taped shut,

“He can't save you this time.” His dad dead panned, getting out of the back and into the driver's seat.

 

***

 

Dean was fast but the Novaks were faster, the car sprung to life and as Dean approached they began driving away. Dean flipped on his front wheel, pedaling after them

“CaSTIEL!”  Dean began screaming at the top of his lungs, the car continued to drive away, unphased by his pain or his screams, he couldn't catch up, and found himself alone in the dust left behind.

“CastIEL!”

 

***

 

“Dean dear, I'm sorry things have come to this. Mr. Novak has decided firmly that Castiel is to go to harm and conversion therapy. I'm sorry I couldn't do more to help, he's going to Salvation Therapy, we're dropping him off in our way to the airport, enclosed is the address. I hope you and Castiel find each other again one day. I am sorry I was unable to stand up to my husband, but I do believe you can pick up the pieces.

 

Love and apologies, Mrs. N.”

  



	38. B2 Preview - The Bars of a Lyre

Castiel is essentially alone. Abandoned by his parents in a conversion therapy center Castiel finds no solace. Between withdrawal from drugs and withdrawal from Dean Winchester, how will Castiel escape the asylum?

Dean and Sam find themselves in the system. Caught between three siblings and a manslaughter trial, how will Dean keep his family together and save Castiel, when he can't even save himself from the consequences of the death of Jessica Moore?

 

***

 

As you've probably guessed, this isn't a chapter. This is the beginnings of book two!

I plan to begin writing Summer '19,

Until then, I'll be doing research, plotting, planning this story and going through and editing/perfecting An Angel's Blade. I want to ensure consistency which is why I plan on doing this.

Thank you for your time reading, I hope you loved book one and eagerly await book two.

 

Love, Alex

 

***

 

UPDATE:

 

All editing has taken place, this is the finalized version of An Angel's Blade

 

Right now I'm pretty sick so not at this moment, but research and plotting for book two will be commencing soon.

 

Love again, Alex

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think in the comments below?
> 
> Like it?
> 
> Don't like it?
> 
> What would you change?
> 
> What would you do next?
> 
> Talktomesoistaymotivatedtokeepthisgoongkthxbye❤️


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